So, the boy toy gave me herpes. Yes, now, after several years of sleeping together pretty regularly, at a point where I was considering suspending our sexual relationship. It really makes my brain wonder and try to impose meaning and significance to the development. I mean, really, now? Things were slowing down, I was contemplating having a child with my husband, then bam, pain, mad crazy itchiness, extreme messiness, and a trip to the doctor. By the time they got back to me with the lab results I'd pretty much confirmed my diagnosis on Google Images. Yep, that's what I've got, let's see how horrible it is. Turns out it's really not that horrible and about a fifth of the population has it, many of them without knowing they do. It's not exactly a very feisty virus despite the social stigma, but it's really really uncomfortable when you first get it. I can emphatically attest to that. But now I'm diagnosed, I have medication with refills, and I will be ok, I just have herpes, which is annoying.
I've looked into how it will affect a pregnancy and it looks like the dangers are minimal. It's extremely rare to pass it along to the fetus. One needs to explain to ones obgyn that you have the virus and then they take pains to make sure you're not having an outbreak during labor which will result in them recommending a c-section. Dear god do I ever want to avoid one of those. I think I'll stick to my original plan and wait until spring to attempt getting knocked up. My system will have had a little time to battle the virus into some semblance of submission by then. It's just that it's one more thing, one more risk factor in something that I already consider a bit of a craps shoot. If this all works out like it's supposed to ideally, I'm going to breathe a very deep sigh of relief even knowing the roller coaster of sleepless nights I'm about to be plunged into as part of the joys of parenthood. Blah! This was hard enough a notion to entertain and I think I'm still....oops, was interupted and can't remember where I was going with that thought. Anyway, it's a struggle and this development makes it more challenging, but I know I will adjust and my outlook will change.
It's interesting and irritating that Jake seems to be avoiding me now too. He didn't answer the last time I called, and he's been very reluctant to engage in any banter. I mean, how does that work, he gives me herpes and then he wants nothing to do with me? Of course, he didn't know he had it, and learning that he did was probably somewhat troublesome for him but it just doesn't seem fair. Yeah, I know, life isn't fair. I just don't know what to do about it yet. He's my primary go to person for hanging out casually and my life is rather more boring without him around to fill those yawning chasms in my social life. He likes to kill time in some of the same ways I do and it's nice to have the company. I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to get him to talk, he may just want out. I will probably try for a good while just to see if he eventually decides its worth it. He can be a little demanding in the desire to have an audience, and I would like for him to be ok with me being so inaccessible, but it's a complicated compromise. I know I've been stepping back since working full time as it has heightened my desire to have time to myself and people take so much energy for me to interact with. I know that has bothered him, but I don't know if it's something he and i will be able to find a tenable compromise on. And this development just makes it more challenging. We shall see. I'm certain much less hysterical and overwrought about the prospect than I once would have been.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
On the Table
There's something about the prospect of actually writing that causes my brain to shy away in all sorts of directions. I caught myself staring and my muted version of People's Court just as soon as I opened this page. That doesn't bode well for any hypothetical future I may have as a writer of any ilk. I wonder if I'll ever accept that, or if somehow, someday, I will find a way around my aversion and charge full speed ahead into the creative industry. I want pretzels now, and I'm not hungry, my brain is just looking for an excuse not to write.
I have a few things I want to record too, and that's what this essentially is, an aimless record of the things I obsess over at various moments in the course of my life. It's just my way of making the most of my existence. I know I won't remember everything, and this helps, particularly when some of the things I'm focused on are more momentous than usual.
For instance, my brother and sister in law are having their first child here in the next few months. I have to assume that has something to do with the tenor of my own thoughts on the matter of reproduction. I don't think it was the only instigator, but the fact that I used it as an introduction to the idea says something about it's place my my thought hierarchy. I think mostly it's been Tim's persistent desire to have a child, and my own change of attitude as I come to grips with my atheism. My morbid obsession with my own mortality seems to have waned and I feel like I've become more emotional stable of late. I also feel like I'm moving into another stage of my life, albeit belatedly. My ideas about self indulgence no longer exclude the addition of a child to my life, in fact, they may include them. To be clearer, I dislike working my dead end administrative job, I don't hate it, I'd just like to not do it and still find a way to be productive. In light of the fact that I seem to not have pursued writing as a self gratifying career option, I'm beginning to consider raising a child as a good and appropriate long term project that I would find more rewarding than the activities I'm currently engaged in. Additionally I've gotten to the point in my affair with Jake that allows for me to not be too unhappy about the idea of possibly losing him as a sex partner. I say that now because he's kept me pretty damned satisfied in that regard despite T's continued failure to do so. Yeah, that's a consideration, I may be fine with the idea, but if T doesn't step it up again I may find myself growing really really restless in that regard, a situation that could become much more fraught with complication if he does unbend enough to at least procreate with me. To sum up, I'm not depressed anymore, I don't enjoy my job, I lack a sense of purpose, and I'm tired of maintaining a relationship with the boy toy. Sounds like a perfect situation to bring a child into right? Ok, but T really wants one, and I think I might enjoy the process of raising one.
I know no one is ever really prepared until you're actually doing it. I know this will change my life, and I will probably experience pangs of regret for my old life from time to time, but I think the pros will outweigh the cons. At least, I think they will if all goes well. There is the fact that having a child is such a total craps shoot in many regards and that I am approaching that age when the risks of things going wrong begin to increase, but it seems acceptable to me, kind of a hope for the best attitude I suppose. In any case, if nothing changes between now and spring, I think I'll at least be making the attempt. Autism risks aside, I'm not planning to do another summer pregnancy, that would just suck. Plus I think that way I can stockpile enough cash to finance a few things when I stop working.
Yeah, what the hell am I thinking. No more sleepovers with Jake when the spouse is out of town. No more random trips up to Busch Garden's with him. No more escaping whimsically on the weekends for unaccounted hours while I watch Jake play video games and talk about whatever comes up. And dear god I'll have to deal more with the MIL. Who even knows what my own mother will do if this comes to fruition. Of course by then she should be attached enough to the grandchild over there that maybe it will be a non issue. Anyway, I really have thought about all of these things obsessively, and I'll probably continue to do so, but as matters stand I think it's something I will wind up pursuing, and yes it will change my life.
Jake, you snide son of a bitch, I'll probably miss you and your passive aggressive ways. Ok, you've been getting on my nerves lately with your cute little blame game, your ease to take offense, and your brutal self justified remarks. You can be compassionate, clever, funny, thoughtful and genuinely nice...when it suits you, but sometimes I find you exhausting. In fairness, you probably think the same of me, I know I'm not always so easy to deal with. I can be tactless, and abrupt, I just am not so sure you realize that road goes both ways all the time, and I find that I'm less tolerant of your little blame game as time goes on. I'm not sure what that will eventually do to our "relationship", but I suspect we're going to find out.
Now, on with the holiday season. I will have a mass influx of family in the next few weeks and I'm finally going home for Christmas this year. I'll probably bludgeon my poor little brain into updating soon enough.
I have a few things I want to record too, and that's what this essentially is, an aimless record of the things I obsess over at various moments in the course of my life. It's just my way of making the most of my existence. I know I won't remember everything, and this helps, particularly when some of the things I'm focused on are more momentous than usual.
For instance, my brother and sister in law are having their first child here in the next few months. I have to assume that has something to do with the tenor of my own thoughts on the matter of reproduction. I don't think it was the only instigator, but the fact that I used it as an introduction to the idea says something about it's place my my thought hierarchy. I think mostly it's been Tim's persistent desire to have a child, and my own change of attitude as I come to grips with my atheism. My morbid obsession with my own mortality seems to have waned and I feel like I've become more emotional stable of late. I also feel like I'm moving into another stage of my life, albeit belatedly. My ideas about self indulgence no longer exclude the addition of a child to my life, in fact, they may include them. To be clearer, I dislike working my dead end administrative job, I don't hate it, I'd just like to not do it and still find a way to be productive. In light of the fact that I seem to not have pursued writing as a self gratifying career option, I'm beginning to consider raising a child as a good and appropriate long term project that I would find more rewarding than the activities I'm currently engaged in. Additionally I've gotten to the point in my affair with Jake that allows for me to not be too unhappy about the idea of possibly losing him as a sex partner. I say that now because he's kept me pretty damned satisfied in that regard despite T's continued failure to do so. Yeah, that's a consideration, I may be fine with the idea, but if T doesn't step it up again I may find myself growing really really restless in that regard, a situation that could become much more fraught with complication if he does unbend enough to at least procreate with me. To sum up, I'm not depressed anymore, I don't enjoy my job, I lack a sense of purpose, and I'm tired of maintaining a relationship with the boy toy. Sounds like a perfect situation to bring a child into right? Ok, but T really wants one, and I think I might enjoy the process of raising one.
I know no one is ever really prepared until you're actually doing it. I know this will change my life, and I will probably experience pangs of regret for my old life from time to time, but I think the pros will outweigh the cons. At least, I think they will if all goes well. There is the fact that having a child is such a total craps shoot in many regards and that I am approaching that age when the risks of things going wrong begin to increase, but it seems acceptable to me, kind of a hope for the best attitude I suppose. In any case, if nothing changes between now and spring, I think I'll at least be making the attempt. Autism risks aside, I'm not planning to do another summer pregnancy, that would just suck. Plus I think that way I can stockpile enough cash to finance a few things when I stop working.
Yeah, what the hell am I thinking. No more sleepovers with Jake when the spouse is out of town. No more random trips up to Busch Garden's with him. No more escaping whimsically on the weekends for unaccounted hours while I watch Jake play video games and talk about whatever comes up. And dear god I'll have to deal more with the MIL. Who even knows what my own mother will do if this comes to fruition. Of course by then she should be attached enough to the grandchild over there that maybe it will be a non issue. Anyway, I really have thought about all of these things obsessively, and I'll probably continue to do so, but as matters stand I think it's something I will wind up pursuing, and yes it will change my life.
Jake, you snide son of a bitch, I'll probably miss you and your passive aggressive ways. Ok, you've been getting on my nerves lately with your cute little blame game, your ease to take offense, and your brutal self justified remarks. You can be compassionate, clever, funny, thoughtful and genuinely nice...when it suits you, but sometimes I find you exhausting. In fairness, you probably think the same of me, I know I'm not always so easy to deal with. I can be tactless, and abrupt, I just am not so sure you realize that road goes both ways all the time, and I find that I'm less tolerant of your little blame game as time goes on. I'm not sure what that will eventually do to our "relationship", but I suspect we're going to find out.
Now, on with the holiday season. I will have a mass influx of family in the next few weeks and I'm finally going home for Christmas this year. I'll probably bludgeon my poor little brain into updating soon enough.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Endurance
One month and three starters later my car seems to be functioning again. I understood the first time it went out, the vehicle is about 8 years old, but when I started having problems a mere week later it was a bit frustrating. Plus I was concerned that by driving through that rather large puddle in a rain storm was maybe the cause of the issue. Having the guys next door shrug their shoulders and say they couldn't figure out what was up when my car was starting intermittently wasn't exactly reassuring either. I bided my time for a stressful few weeks, waited for T's car to be free while he was traveling, and found someone with some electrical expertise to take a look at it only to discover that the started was faulty. Yay, get it towed back to the original place, get it swapped out free of charge, pick it up, car starts fine but makes horrid grinding sound. What sort of yahoos am I dealing with. I kept it over the weekend and took it back to say 'fix please'. Luckily this time when they swapped out the starter yet again, they seem to have given me a decent one. God I hope this holds for another few years at least. Amazing how much emotional energy it requires of me to perpetually deal with something I am so dependent on as my mode of transportation, but I think in retrospect I handled it rather well. I was constantly aware of my support network and resources and that did make it easier.
I joined a gym. I am wondering if now that my car works and I'm done with the sessions with the personal trainer if I will settle into some kind of productive routine. I was going to try to start that today, I probably will start that today, but I am irked that I managed to leave my prepared and packed lunch sitting on the counter at home. I have excellent intentions of incorporating more strength training into my rotation. I think I may be hitting me just how important and useful it is. Funny how all the different parts of my brain don't necessarily believe the same things.
Like with alcohol, I know I need to at least cut back. I know it would take a lot of calories out of my diet, and I know it would be generally healthier for me, not that I plan to give it up, just introduce more moderation. It seems easier when T is gone, like he is now. It ceases to be part of my pattern: prepare dinner, pick something to watch, pour a glass of wine, pour another depending on how much television I watch. When I hang out with Jake, alcohol is often not part of the equation. We went to see a movie together last night and had water. I slept fabulously afterward, though my arm always goes numb when I sleep in Jake's bed, not sure why.
It amuses me how pedestrian my relationship with him has gotten. I really don't know what he thinks about it. I don't know if he's content with the current level of interaction. He seems to like having me around when T is out of town, but he also doesn't seem to mind too much when I'm am less available. He still talks about the future and having kids and a wife, sometimes he talks about going back to school, but he doesn't make any moves toward these things he ostensibly wants. I wonder at what point he'll decide he doesn't care, or decide to change his habits. I wonder if turning thirty will change his perception. He's not one to subscribe to generalizations so he may not take those tangibilities into account ever.
Sometimes I think of him more as friend than as lover anymore. Other times I know I would still react if he did start dating someone. While I think I could live (not happily) without the sex, I know I am still very attached to the relationship I have with him and the place it gives me in his life. I know I would lose that if I were displaced in the sexual hierarchy. Maybe it's lazy of me but I rely on him as my primary social outlet outside the house. I revel in the fact that I always enjoy myself with him, and that we have enough things in common to stave off boredom for years. I suppose it's possible he's a surrogate for the healthier social circle that I'm supposed to have, or it's possible I should give less weight to arbitrary social laws and my relationship with Jake is only contextually unhealthy.
I plan to enjoy my week with him and I have a goal to drop two pounds via exercise and lack of alcohol. I'm going to enjoy my fixed car, and my gym membership, and my temporary change of routine, and then I'm going to have a long weekend.
I joined a gym. I am wondering if now that my car works and I'm done with the sessions with the personal trainer if I will settle into some kind of productive routine. I was going to try to start that today, I probably will start that today, but I am irked that I managed to leave my prepared and packed lunch sitting on the counter at home. I have excellent intentions of incorporating more strength training into my rotation. I think I may be hitting me just how important and useful it is. Funny how all the different parts of my brain don't necessarily believe the same things.
Like with alcohol, I know I need to at least cut back. I know it would take a lot of calories out of my diet, and I know it would be generally healthier for me, not that I plan to give it up, just introduce more moderation. It seems easier when T is gone, like he is now. It ceases to be part of my pattern: prepare dinner, pick something to watch, pour a glass of wine, pour another depending on how much television I watch. When I hang out with Jake, alcohol is often not part of the equation. We went to see a movie together last night and had water. I slept fabulously afterward, though my arm always goes numb when I sleep in Jake's bed, not sure why.
It amuses me how pedestrian my relationship with him has gotten. I really don't know what he thinks about it. I don't know if he's content with the current level of interaction. He seems to like having me around when T is out of town, but he also doesn't seem to mind too much when I'm am less available. He still talks about the future and having kids and a wife, sometimes he talks about going back to school, but he doesn't make any moves toward these things he ostensibly wants. I wonder at what point he'll decide he doesn't care, or decide to change his habits. I wonder if turning thirty will change his perception. He's not one to subscribe to generalizations so he may not take those tangibilities into account ever.
Sometimes I think of him more as friend than as lover anymore. Other times I know I would still react if he did start dating someone. While I think I could live (not happily) without the sex, I know I am still very attached to the relationship I have with him and the place it gives me in his life. I know I would lose that if I were displaced in the sexual hierarchy. Maybe it's lazy of me but I rely on him as my primary social outlet outside the house. I revel in the fact that I always enjoy myself with him, and that we have enough things in common to stave off boredom for years. I suppose it's possible he's a surrogate for the healthier social circle that I'm supposed to have, or it's possible I should give less weight to arbitrary social laws and my relationship with Jake is only contextually unhealthy.
I plan to enjoy my week with him and I have a goal to drop two pounds via exercise and lack of alcohol. I'm going to enjoy my fixed car, and my gym membership, and my temporary change of routine, and then I'm going to have a long weekend.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
All Summer
I know I've had at least one short stay at Jake's place since last I wrote and I know we didn't really do much and that was fine. I'm notorious for making plans that I have insufficient interest in following through on. I was supposed to be over there for an entire week this week, my last week of part time employment, but as is his sometime habit, T canceled his trip at the last minute. As usual I was beyond irritated, but also as usual, I got over it. I was looking forward to a week absent of expectations, a week of having the house to myself, a week of Jake and breaking up my usual routine, it was going to be my last hurrah. On the other hand, it's a bit of a hassle spending the night places other than home when I have to be at work the following morning, so, I guess there was that. Anyway, I've sort of folded in on myself this week and just not really bothered with the caring. There is too much to process.
So yes, I do start working again full time next week...Monday. It's been something like 6 years since I worked full days. I've become increasingly less apprehensive about it though. With all the stuff they've tossed in my lap it will be a relief to actually be here to get it done, and I don't think I'm going to mind. It's just another place to spend my time. I am going to have to figure out my lunch breaks. Getting a membership to a local gym is a distinct possibility. Figuring out food choices should be interesting as well.
During my first full time week, T will spend part of it away on a business trip and I am wondering if that will be a hassle for me or if it will fit and suit my personality just fine. Jake is sort of a method of getting away and he's not conventionally demanding. I enjoy his company and the variety, but it will be interesting socializing with him without having had all the alone down time that I'm accustomed to. On the plus side, there will probably be some morning sex, and that will be awesome.
I continue to not be attracted to T and I know it's more than just the quality of the sex. I don't think of him that way most of the time, though occassionally I can summon up some chemistry it's woefully infrequent. It's a relief that our conjugal sessions are as brief as they are since I spend some time afterward in pain due to a mild allergic reaction, and getting it over with seems to be my attitude. Can I fake my way through this part of the relationship long term. He's not possessed of the highest libido so hooking up a couple of times a month doesn't seem to cause much dissonance. I just don't know but I'm increasingly unwilling to leave. I'm comfortable and I don't see that I'd be happier elsewhere. Maybe it's shoddy of me but it seems to be how I'm operating just now.
I did have a dream the other night that I found disturbing. I was going to go and live with/marry Jake and I didn't want my mother to find out, but I'd forgotten about T. I remembered him at some point later, but he didn't occur to me as a hindrance to my plan until toward the end. It felt odd. Not so nice of me to take him quite so for granted.
That's pretty much all that's going on just now. It hasn't been an exciting summer. I haven't lost any weight at all but I do continue to exercise regularly and am at a good level of fitness. I'm wondering if my work schedule will change that. I will try to be alert. For the rest, I am entertained, and only marginally unstable which is to be expected given it's me.
So yes, I do start working again full time next week...Monday. It's been something like 6 years since I worked full days. I've become increasingly less apprehensive about it though. With all the stuff they've tossed in my lap it will be a relief to actually be here to get it done, and I don't think I'm going to mind. It's just another place to spend my time. I am going to have to figure out my lunch breaks. Getting a membership to a local gym is a distinct possibility. Figuring out food choices should be interesting as well.
During my first full time week, T will spend part of it away on a business trip and I am wondering if that will be a hassle for me or if it will fit and suit my personality just fine. Jake is sort of a method of getting away and he's not conventionally demanding. I enjoy his company and the variety, but it will be interesting socializing with him without having had all the alone down time that I'm accustomed to. On the plus side, there will probably be some morning sex, and that will be awesome.
I continue to not be attracted to T and I know it's more than just the quality of the sex. I don't think of him that way most of the time, though occassionally I can summon up some chemistry it's woefully infrequent. It's a relief that our conjugal sessions are as brief as they are since I spend some time afterward in pain due to a mild allergic reaction, and getting it over with seems to be my attitude. Can I fake my way through this part of the relationship long term. He's not possessed of the highest libido so hooking up a couple of times a month doesn't seem to cause much dissonance. I just don't know but I'm increasingly unwilling to leave. I'm comfortable and I don't see that I'd be happier elsewhere. Maybe it's shoddy of me but it seems to be how I'm operating just now.
I did have a dream the other night that I found disturbing. I was going to go and live with/marry Jake and I didn't want my mother to find out, but I'd forgotten about T. I remembered him at some point later, but he didn't occur to me as a hindrance to my plan until toward the end. It felt odd. Not so nice of me to take him quite so for granted.
That's pretty much all that's going on just now. It hasn't been an exciting summer. I haven't lost any weight at all but I do continue to exercise regularly and am at a good level of fitness. I'm wondering if my work schedule will change that. I will try to be alert. For the rest, I am entertained, and only marginally unstable which is to be expected given it's me.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Fresh
While I still remember it I figured I ought to commit the highlights of my recent vacation to the web. I hadn't traveled for a while, for almost two years, and the last time I did travel I didn't get very far. At least, the last time I remember hopping on a plane. After you've done it enough times the events begin to blur together and you don't really remember properly anymore. I suspect that will happen to a good number of things in my life as I continue to get older. Anyway, I traveled, with T, and we had a nice time. It was an interesting contrast going from a resort hotel on the company dime where I had lots of time to myself while the spouse attended meetings. The weather was fabulous if a little colder than I wanted which surprised me in in Arizona. I had wanted to spend more time in a swimsuit. I did still manage to hang out by the pool a good bit but I need darker sunglasses to read properly outdoors. Still, I took my new little Kindle, which I absolutely love, and I got some reading done while outdoors.
I'm still on a bit of an exercise moratorium but I can't handle being totally inert so I was at the fitness center there every day I stayed and I've grown fond of Elliptical machines. I'm also working a bit of running back into my diet with good results though I still can't seem to lose weight to save myself. At least I didn't really gain any while away and that was nice. I just hoped...silly me.
The resort was very nice and since it was a bit of an oasis in the desert there were lots of little animals running around. They have some interesting birds in the desert and they're quite vocal. T liked the owls best. There was also a family of quail that lived near my room. The baby quail were adorable. The rabbits running around were darned cute as well and they have some unusual flora out there that I got pictures of. I enjoyed my time there and I may have helped T be a bit more social with his colleagues at the conference. We went out late for Mexican one night and it was fun even though I was still operating on east coast time and left earlier than later.
Then we went up to the Northwest to visit the family and the weather was a total contrast. I don't really mind, I grew up there, but it changes what you do with your time. We did go hiking and the weather was nice for it. I got some decent photos of that as well. The stay at the hotel along the river was awesome as well. They had a fun wait staff there and the food was pretty good. I introduced my mother to dessert martinis with good results.
We stayed at a very nice hotel for the remainder of the week as well and though my schedule was busier than I would have liked and the internet access, while being wireless and free, was crappier than I would have liked, I had a good time on the whole. Unlike in AZ I had neither the time nor the resources to do any raiding but there were better things to do like hang out with family.
T went out shooting with my brother while I took my mother and sister in law to see How To Train Your Dragon, a movie I intend to own someday. I also shopped for luggage as mine was finally on its last leg. I wound up getting my mother a hat but didn't find a suitcase I liked until the day before we left.
My aunt held a family reunion for my mother's grandmother's people so I met a bunch of second and third cousins with various degrees of removal at her house. We didn't stay long as my mother wasn't feeling well but I did get to see some folks I liked and drink free wine which is always a win in my book.
All told I was gone for nearly a week and a half and I missed Jake terribly but it was convenient as his car had broken down and I was able to let him borrow mine while I was away. He filled up the tank and washed it for me before he brought it back. It's interesting the areas in which I simply have total confidence in him. I was completely unconcerned and happy that it worked out the way it did.
Now he may be going away on vacation the same time T is out of town which would make me sad as I'd like to spend some serious time with the man but que sera sera I suppose. It may not work out that way but if it does I will simply be reconciled to it. Maybe I'll catch up on gearing some of my characters. Unbelievably my hunter now has better gear than any of my other alts.
Perhaps I'll write more later but for now I am in training and the boss will be returning shortly. Just needed to get something down before I begin to forget details.
I'm still on a bit of an exercise moratorium but I can't handle being totally inert so I was at the fitness center there every day I stayed and I've grown fond of Elliptical machines. I'm also working a bit of running back into my diet with good results though I still can't seem to lose weight to save myself. At least I didn't really gain any while away and that was nice. I just hoped...silly me.
The resort was very nice and since it was a bit of an oasis in the desert there were lots of little animals running around. They have some interesting birds in the desert and they're quite vocal. T liked the owls best. There was also a family of quail that lived near my room. The baby quail were adorable. The rabbits running around were darned cute as well and they have some unusual flora out there that I got pictures of. I enjoyed my time there and I may have helped T be a bit more social with his colleagues at the conference. We went out late for Mexican one night and it was fun even though I was still operating on east coast time and left earlier than later.
Then we went up to the Northwest to visit the family and the weather was a total contrast. I don't really mind, I grew up there, but it changes what you do with your time. We did go hiking and the weather was nice for it. I got some decent photos of that as well. The stay at the hotel along the river was awesome as well. They had a fun wait staff there and the food was pretty good. I introduced my mother to dessert martinis with good results.
We stayed at a very nice hotel for the remainder of the week as well and though my schedule was busier than I would have liked and the internet access, while being wireless and free, was crappier than I would have liked, I had a good time on the whole. Unlike in AZ I had neither the time nor the resources to do any raiding but there were better things to do like hang out with family.
T went out shooting with my brother while I took my mother and sister in law to see How To Train Your Dragon, a movie I intend to own someday. I also shopped for luggage as mine was finally on its last leg. I wound up getting my mother a hat but didn't find a suitcase I liked until the day before we left.
My aunt held a family reunion for my mother's grandmother's people so I met a bunch of second and third cousins with various degrees of removal at her house. We didn't stay long as my mother wasn't feeling well but I did get to see some folks I liked and drink free wine which is always a win in my book.
All told I was gone for nearly a week and a half and I missed Jake terribly but it was convenient as his car had broken down and I was able to let him borrow mine while I was away. He filled up the tank and washed it for me before he brought it back. It's interesting the areas in which I simply have total confidence in him. I was completely unconcerned and happy that it worked out the way it did.
Now he may be going away on vacation the same time T is out of town which would make me sad as I'd like to spend some serious time with the man but que sera sera I suppose. It may not work out that way but if it does I will simply be reconciled to it. Maybe I'll catch up on gearing some of my characters. Unbelievably my hunter now has better gear than any of my other alts.
Perhaps I'll write more later but for now I am in training and the boss will be returning shortly. Just needed to get something down before I begin to forget details.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Omission
My birthday came and went but I failed to mark the eve of the occasion as I usually do. I was telling T about it and I commented that I thought I might have lost interest in doing so because so little seems to change from year to year and I found it somewhat discouraging. Maybe that's the case, it certainly seems like a reasonable assumption, and retrospectively the only thing that's changed at all in the past year is that I've done more writing than previously. I still haven't finished anything yet, but I keep encouraging myself.
In other news the fix the doctor did on me is turning out in a rather half ass and lumpy fashion. I would probably consider going in before my appointment with him except that I'm due to be out of town for the next week and a half. I hope nothing is too amiss and that it either goes away on its own or is readily fixable. Liposuction is just weird feeling. With luck I won't be too lumpy to do a little hanging out by the pool in my future. I could stand some relaxation.
It's going to be an interesting trip. In my discomfort and general crankiness I managed to start another longish debate with my spouse over science and religion. I managed to offend him pretty deeply and as per usual the entire argument seemed like a waste of time and emotional energy in hindsight. I actually got so irritated at one point that I left and went over to Jake's place for a bit. That was the nice reprieve of the evening and put me in a better mood. Unfortunately I simply went back home and started where I'd left off. Gah! I'll never learn. I did promise T I wouldn't ever do it again and I am pretty sure I can hold to that. I can care about him without giving a rat's ass what his religious delusions are. I need to keep my perspective and weigh the present against how much it will all matter in the end. The balance is still in his favor and strongly so.
I do feel sometimes that Jake might be easier to live with, and anymore when I get into these kinds of conflicts I think in the back of my mind that in a couple more months I will be financially autonomous, or presumably I will be, but I don't think these thoughts emphatically, and I would prefer not to uproot myself. Anyway, the lingering hostility is taking a while to dispel and I'm really hoping I haven't done any irreparable damage because T is awesome to spend time with when he's not angry with me and this could be a nice trip. I will do whatever I can to make amends.
It certainly decided me on whether to share my plan to loan Jake my car while I'm away. He's been having automotive troubles recently of the kind that require professional repair and it seemed reasonable to me to loan my vehicle to him while it was not in use by me. I trust him and he has an excellent driving record but I know it would not go over well with the spouse. It should be fine, he has spare keys for emergency reasons and can simply use those.
I have been so miserable today. It doesn't help that it's that time of the month and that I have a vicious hangover from over indulging at dinner last night. Half a bottle of wine followed by a martini is not a great plan. Perhaps my misery will elicit some sympathy and this will blow over sooner than later. I am always so startled by my emotional frailty. I know there are so many who have far greater issues to contend with but I'm so set on my life being easy and trouble free, you would think this desire would translate into more diplomacy in the things i choose to say and do, but apparently not so much. Gotta love being human.
In other news the fix the doctor did on me is turning out in a rather half ass and lumpy fashion. I would probably consider going in before my appointment with him except that I'm due to be out of town for the next week and a half. I hope nothing is too amiss and that it either goes away on its own or is readily fixable. Liposuction is just weird feeling. With luck I won't be too lumpy to do a little hanging out by the pool in my future. I could stand some relaxation.
It's going to be an interesting trip. In my discomfort and general crankiness I managed to start another longish debate with my spouse over science and religion. I managed to offend him pretty deeply and as per usual the entire argument seemed like a waste of time and emotional energy in hindsight. I actually got so irritated at one point that I left and went over to Jake's place for a bit. That was the nice reprieve of the evening and put me in a better mood. Unfortunately I simply went back home and started where I'd left off. Gah! I'll never learn. I did promise T I wouldn't ever do it again and I am pretty sure I can hold to that. I can care about him without giving a rat's ass what his religious delusions are. I need to keep my perspective and weigh the present against how much it will all matter in the end. The balance is still in his favor and strongly so.
I do feel sometimes that Jake might be easier to live with, and anymore when I get into these kinds of conflicts I think in the back of my mind that in a couple more months I will be financially autonomous, or presumably I will be, but I don't think these thoughts emphatically, and I would prefer not to uproot myself. Anyway, the lingering hostility is taking a while to dispel and I'm really hoping I haven't done any irreparable damage because T is awesome to spend time with when he's not angry with me and this could be a nice trip. I will do whatever I can to make amends.
It certainly decided me on whether to share my plan to loan Jake my car while I'm away. He's been having automotive troubles recently of the kind that require professional repair and it seemed reasonable to me to loan my vehicle to him while it was not in use by me. I trust him and he has an excellent driving record but I know it would not go over well with the spouse. It should be fine, he has spare keys for emergency reasons and can simply use those.
I have been so miserable today. It doesn't help that it's that time of the month and that I have a vicious hangover from over indulging at dinner last night. Half a bottle of wine followed by a martini is not a great plan. Perhaps my misery will elicit some sympathy and this will blow over sooner than later. I am always so startled by my emotional frailty. I know there are so many who have far greater issues to contend with but I'm so set on my life being easy and trouble free, you would think this desire would translate into more diplomacy in the things i choose to say and do, but apparently not so much. Gotta love being human.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Merry month of
Times they are a changin'. Not a lot mind you, but a little. We're well into another lovely spring and for the most part life is pleasant, although...T's great uncle died yesterday morning. He was an elderly fellow who struggled with emphysema, and everyone saw it coming, but it was still sad. We stopped in at the hospital a couple days before he passed away and we said our good byes. I still really don't handle death well, it rattles me and I happened to like this particular soul quite well. I keep holding onto the hope that maybe consciousness isn't a happy accident and that maybe it has some kind of significance in a larger scale of reality than we're currently aware of, but that's all it is, hope. What I think is that the same thing will happen to me after I die as happened to me before I was born, nothing, and that it will not bother me in the slightest as a result of my not actually existing anymore. Of course, my current status as present and accounted for in the population of the verse sort of resents this probability. And now, of course, we'll have a funeral to attend with a bunch of religious drivel attendant, and even more delightful, both T's parents will probably feel compelled to attend and they are not delightful to have together at any event anymore. Ok, can't really bear to dwell on that mess any more just at present.
Things are changing at work too. My counterpart will not be with us much longer and they are converting my cushy part time position to a full time one. When they approached me with this development it was somewhat misrepresented as playing back up for both the business and sales department, the actuality is that I am being groomed as the de facto national assistant. My initial response was rebellion but as a shrewd individual here at work pointed out to me, eventually the whole office will belong to sales with everything else being run from corporate. I might just as well reconcile myself to it for the duration of my stay here. The irritating parts being that I dislike not knowing what I'm doing so there is going to be a frantic learning process, and I don't like the woman for whom I will primarily be working. This simply means that rather than retrenching myself here in a full time position I'm going to redouble my efforts to find employment elsewhere that i feel is better suited to my temperament. I should seriously just knuckle down and kick out a few romance novels. I'm sure i could do it and I suspect the money is tolerable.
On the social front everything is fine. I'm a little restricted just now as I finally went back into my cosmetic surgeon and got him to fix the results of last year's surgery. So far I am pleased with the outcome but I am also a bit sore and a mass of bruises once again. I'd had to cut out jogging so going to the park with Jake has been on hold for a bit. Between his recent illness and my convalescence it's going to be hot as hell by the time we get out there again. I have been walking very determinedly and I would venture I'm down about three pounds. Whether that's the result of the liposuction, or the activity, I frankly don't care so long as I don't get it back. I've also cut back on my alcohol consumption and been trying to drink more green tea.
Yesterday was Jake's mother's birthday and for the third time running I attended the festivities, which didn't involve mexican food for a change. We had a good time. His mother talked quite a bit and at some length, but the company was good and the stories were entertaining. Afterward I went over to his place and stirred some brownie batter with his private parts then proceeded to lick the offending utensil clean. That was fun and I got some action out of the deal. It does frustrate me that the sex with T used to be mediocre and very brief, now it's just non existent. The sex with Jake is prolonged, intense, and in all ways satisfying. I should be able to get that closer to home but I can't, and it aggravates me I can't have it anyway without the attendant social infractions. Yet I'm still so fond of T and very content in a relationship with him.
We're going out to AZ and then OR later this month. There's a conference I'm attending with him at a resort hotel, and then we're going to see my family for a bit. I'm really looking forward to it. I'm hoping to drop a few more pounds so I can casually and contentedly spend some time by the pool when I go out there. I bought myself a decent laptop for the occasion so I shouldn't go stir crazy for lack of access to WoW, and maybe I'll even get some writing done. I will miss Jake horrible though. This trip spans two weekends, the time I usually spend most of with him. And there is a good chance I'm not going to get laid the entire time I'm away. That just seems a little wrong to me.
But as I said, on the whole life is good. I'm going to be zen, and when I'm feeling my most zen, perhaps I'll write back to my irritating father in some kind of remotely appropriate way. Wish me luck world.
Things are changing at work too. My counterpart will not be with us much longer and they are converting my cushy part time position to a full time one. When they approached me with this development it was somewhat misrepresented as playing back up for both the business and sales department, the actuality is that I am being groomed as the de facto national assistant. My initial response was rebellion but as a shrewd individual here at work pointed out to me, eventually the whole office will belong to sales with everything else being run from corporate. I might just as well reconcile myself to it for the duration of my stay here. The irritating parts being that I dislike not knowing what I'm doing so there is going to be a frantic learning process, and I don't like the woman for whom I will primarily be working. This simply means that rather than retrenching myself here in a full time position I'm going to redouble my efforts to find employment elsewhere that i feel is better suited to my temperament. I should seriously just knuckle down and kick out a few romance novels. I'm sure i could do it and I suspect the money is tolerable.
On the social front everything is fine. I'm a little restricted just now as I finally went back into my cosmetic surgeon and got him to fix the results of last year's surgery. So far I am pleased with the outcome but I am also a bit sore and a mass of bruises once again. I'd had to cut out jogging so going to the park with Jake has been on hold for a bit. Between his recent illness and my convalescence it's going to be hot as hell by the time we get out there again. I have been walking very determinedly and I would venture I'm down about three pounds. Whether that's the result of the liposuction, or the activity, I frankly don't care so long as I don't get it back. I've also cut back on my alcohol consumption and been trying to drink more green tea.
Yesterday was Jake's mother's birthday and for the third time running I attended the festivities, which didn't involve mexican food for a change. We had a good time. His mother talked quite a bit and at some length, but the company was good and the stories were entertaining. Afterward I went over to his place and stirred some brownie batter with his private parts then proceeded to lick the offending utensil clean. That was fun and I got some action out of the deal. It does frustrate me that the sex with T used to be mediocre and very brief, now it's just non existent. The sex with Jake is prolonged, intense, and in all ways satisfying. I should be able to get that closer to home but I can't, and it aggravates me I can't have it anyway without the attendant social infractions. Yet I'm still so fond of T and very content in a relationship with him.
We're going out to AZ and then OR later this month. There's a conference I'm attending with him at a resort hotel, and then we're going to see my family for a bit. I'm really looking forward to it. I'm hoping to drop a few more pounds so I can casually and contentedly spend some time by the pool when I go out there. I bought myself a decent laptop for the occasion so I shouldn't go stir crazy for lack of access to WoW, and maybe I'll even get some writing done. I will miss Jake horrible though. This trip spans two weekends, the time I usually spend most of with him. And there is a good chance I'm not going to get laid the entire time I'm away. That just seems a little wrong to me.
But as I said, on the whole life is good. I'm going to be zen, and when I'm feeling my most zen, perhaps I'll write back to my irritating father in some kind of remotely appropriate way. Wish me luck world.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
April Fools
Today is the 12 year anniversary of my arrival here in Norfolk Virginia. Just a couple more years and I'll have lived here longer than anywhere else in my life, sort of. I mean, I have moved around quite a bit since I moved into the area, but same general area, that counts right? I was 22, that seems so young now. If only I could make decisions for myself retroactively. My life would be so different. I think the trick is to find a way to be happy about the mistakes and I suppose after a fashion I am. I can't really imagine my life being much more practically convenient than it already is. I am comfortable and I like the cast of characters in my world.
It's pretty again this year. Spring has arrived. My lawn is begging for a haircut and my car really wants a bath. I plan to take care of both this week. Maybe I'll do a little gardening this year now that my interest in playing World of Warcraft has waned a bit. I don't really have a good functional mouse yesterday and I found that situation further hindering my interest in playing the game at all. Frustratingly I didn't really feel like doing anything else either though. I finally got organized and kicked myself into gear. We had the MIL over to watch a movie last night so I'd gone to the grocery store to get more food and I needed to clean the house. I did some laundry, all the dishes, cleaned the cat's room, vacuumed the stairs and other stuff, I generally tidied up. The results were good, also the weather was nice so I opened the door for a bit to air things out.
I think the MIL had a nice time. She brought over her favorite disaster flick, 2012, I bailed out of watching it about half way through and went upstairs where I got pulled into a raid. Got some nice upgrades for my hunter though.
Didn't hear much from Jake yesterday and I missed him. With luck I'll get to stay over at his place the week after next and maybe we can make plans that will allow us to enjoy the fresh spring weather...I could stand to get a bit more active.
Today I think I'll buy a new mouse for my computer after work, unless T's plans are on for this evening in which case I may go straight home and get the exercise thing out of the way. It's hard to not drink any alcohol, and once I've started it's hard to have only just a little, but I can't help but think how many calories a week I'd cut out if i'd just give the stuff up. It's easier to avoid when I'm gaming but harder to avoid when I'm just watching television. I will have to do more strategizing.
Anyway, off with me, I should be working on my book and I think the energy for it will be hard to find today.
It's pretty again this year. Spring has arrived. My lawn is begging for a haircut and my car really wants a bath. I plan to take care of both this week. Maybe I'll do a little gardening this year now that my interest in playing World of Warcraft has waned a bit. I don't really have a good functional mouse yesterday and I found that situation further hindering my interest in playing the game at all. Frustratingly I didn't really feel like doing anything else either though. I finally got organized and kicked myself into gear. We had the MIL over to watch a movie last night so I'd gone to the grocery store to get more food and I needed to clean the house. I did some laundry, all the dishes, cleaned the cat's room, vacuumed the stairs and other stuff, I generally tidied up. The results were good, also the weather was nice so I opened the door for a bit to air things out.
I think the MIL had a nice time. She brought over her favorite disaster flick, 2012, I bailed out of watching it about half way through and went upstairs where I got pulled into a raid. Got some nice upgrades for my hunter though.
Didn't hear much from Jake yesterday and I missed him. With luck I'll get to stay over at his place the week after next and maybe we can make plans that will allow us to enjoy the fresh spring weather...I could stand to get a bit more active.
Today I think I'll buy a new mouse for my computer after work, unless T's plans are on for this evening in which case I may go straight home and get the exercise thing out of the way. It's hard to not drink any alcohol, and once I've started it's hard to have only just a little, but I can't help but think how many calories a week I'd cut out if i'd just give the stuff up. It's easier to avoid when I'm gaming but harder to avoid when I'm just watching television. I will have to do more strategizing.
Anyway, off with me, I should be working on my book and I think the energy for it will be hard to find today.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
this one
This morning I woke to a ceiling fan with five blades, whirling industriously around a gold chrome stem. The spot on the ceiling where the fan attaches has a circle of paint around it that is significantly darker than that of the rest of the ceiling. It makes a pleasantly continuous sound of rushing air, the sort of white noise that can lull me to sleep in the space of several heartbeats, at least once I can get far enough from the person lying beside me to reach a normal body temperature. He radiates heat like a nuclear reactor and no matter how cold the night I can feel the beads of perspiration forming on the surface of my skin whenever I'm in close proximity to his body. Of course, not all of it is the tangible heat, there is also still my body's response to him. After all this time the chemistry is still intensely compelling.
His bed is comfortable, though I suspect it of having begun to sag in the middle from being occupied primarily with a solitary individual. It's hard to tell as he has a habit of camping in the center of it even when he has company, I cannot help but roll toward him. It takes a bit of shifting to develop enough counter balance to make myself comfortable next to him. I sleep on my right shoulder too often, with my face turned outward toward the edge of the bed. As I get older that arm is almost perpetually a little sore. I try to lie on my back, but when my left elbow rests beside me, my forearm crooked across my torso the arm tends to fall asleep. So I shift a lot and feel badly for rousing him from his peaceful sleep because he usually does have his bed to himself.
I love it there, in that quiet neighborhood. He has a balcony outside his second floor bedroom, and I can see its outline through the beige linen curtains. His closet doors are almost always open so I can see his rainbow colored collection of quirky and vintage t shirts and the ironing board he seldom uses with its floral print cover and the iron hanging above it on the rack. He recently hung a picture of a dory on the south China sea on the wall opposite his bed, and it too is soothing.
He loves the water. He spent part of his childhood growing up on a boat and the lifestyle, while not perfect contextually, was one that seems to have stuck with him and continues to have appeal. He tells me if he had a boat he would probably leave and not come back. I could see him being happily and resourcefully itinerant but I am glad he is here and does not seem unhappy.
Tonight I will see him again. I don't know if I will get to his house before he does, if I'll need my rainbow colored key copy to get in. Maybe I will be curled up on his couch watching Caprica and munching on animal cookies, or perhaps he'll get there before me and be playing Modern Warfare. We'll probably watch something for a while, obscure or mainstream anime, something offbeat, and then one or the other of us will get sleepy. He sometimes reads in bed while waiting on me, or sometimes I go up first while he plays games until he's tired.
It is pleasant, and ordinary, and unique. It is a thing I always want and never take wholly for granted because it isn't mine and I value it. I think he's used to me now. There is more he wants and it isn't something I have, but I think he feels no sense of urgency about finding what it is he may be after. So there is me for now, and I am content for the most part.
His bed is comfortable, though I suspect it of having begun to sag in the middle from being occupied primarily with a solitary individual. It's hard to tell as he has a habit of camping in the center of it even when he has company, I cannot help but roll toward him. It takes a bit of shifting to develop enough counter balance to make myself comfortable next to him. I sleep on my right shoulder too often, with my face turned outward toward the edge of the bed. As I get older that arm is almost perpetually a little sore. I try to lie on my back, but when my left elbow rests beside me, my forearm crooked across my torso the arm tends to fall asleep. So I shift a lot and feel badly for rousing him from his peaceful sleep because he usually does have his bed to himself.
I love it there, in that quiet neighborhood. He has a balcony outside his second floor bedroom, and I can see its outline through the beige linen curtains. His closet doors are almost always open so I can see his rainbow colored collection of quirky and vintage t shirts and the ironing board he seldom uses with its floral print cover and the iron hanging above it on the rack. He recently hung a picture of a dory on the south China sea on the wall opposite his bed, and it too is soothing.
He loves the water. He spent part of his childhood growing up on a boat and the lifestyle, while not perfect contextually, was one that seems to have stuck with him and continues to have appeal. He tells me if he had a boat he would probably leave and not come back. I could see him being happily and resourcefully itinerant but I am glad he is here and does not seem unhappy.
Tonight I will see him again. I don't know if I will get to his house before he does, if I'll need my rainbow colored key copy to get in. Maybe I will be curled up on his couch watching Caprica and munching on animal cookies, or perhaps he'll get there before me and be playing Modern Warfare. We'll probably watch something for a while, obscure or mainstream anime, something offbeat, and then one or the other of us will get sleepy. He sometimes reads in bed while waiting on me, or sometimes I go up first while he plays games until he's tired.
It is pleasant, and ordinary, and unique. It is a thing I always want and never take wholly for granted because it isn't mine and I value it. I think he's used to me now. There is more he wants and it isn't something I have, but I think he feels no sense of urgency about finding what it is he may be after. So there is me for now, and I am content for the most part.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Grand Scheme of Things
It's the end of another nice week with Jake. The man comes back tonight. I have mixed feelings. I've enjoyed my week but I've had small twinges of missing home here and there. I feel like I've been rushed a lot of the time, and substituting a less appealing activity for a more appealing one sometimes to appease Jake. The trade off persists in being worth it to me because of the value I continue to place on that relationship, but I can feel the compromise and wonder how it will develop. Maybe it never will, I mean, after all, it's been a while. My feelings haven't changed too very much. I am calmer and a little more able to take Jake for granted. Conversely, he also seems to take me for granted, something that continues to bother me a little. Perhaps I feel like he's always had that attitude toward me and I feel inferior to him in some way, or threatened. Even though I have spent all week with him and we've had a great time doing very little, rather than spend this evening with me he plans to go out with his coworkers, knowing that T is coming back tonight and it will be my last free evening for a while. I want him to want me more and I can never have that like J could. Bah, and I know that wouldn't have lasted and he would have seen through her and either been wounded, cynical or both. I just wish I could have ever generated that level of intensity from him the way he does from me. But in the end, what I do have is enough. He is incredibly rewarding to spend time with, and very thoughtful and courteous of me. This is a way I still like to spend my time and feel it is worthwhile. I've enjoyed cooking for him and making plans with him all week. I've loved sleeping in his bed and waking up next to him. He is gorgeous to look at, generous with his charms and resources, I would not trade him in for a night of raiding in WoW for certain, or even for another human. I am attached to this one. I just wish I didn't feel so at a disadvantage with him, like he really is out of my league.
We've been playing BioShock all week, and the other night we watched Tron. I wasn't feeling terribly ambitious as I had a murderous head cold sent from the bowels of purgatory to torment me. Jake was really accommodating about it, well, except when he wanted to make out with me and the idea of being horizontal was still anathema to me. I think my reluctance offends him deeply and personally so I usually try to mitigate my reaction and go along with him. I admit, it's worth it and I have never failed to enjoy myself but it's hard feeling so regularly subsumed by someone else.
So, T comes home today and I will go back to my more normal life. I have a Dr. appointment this afternoon to get the surgeon to look at my hips. I don't think he made my abdominoplasty incision quite long enough so the skin gathers a bit and looks asymmetrical. I'm trying to decide how combatitive to be about the issue because I'd prefer to not get stuck footing the bill for fixing something i consider his error, that's assuming he will be able to fix it, Gods above please let him be able to fix it. I'm so tired of feeling self conscious. I avoid being naked with an audience anymore because of this and I know it hurts me.
Monday I have another interview for a job I really thing I might actually like to have, at the airport. I like airports and it's a shorter commute from my home than this place. I like the hours and the pay sounds good. I am hopeful and delighted that they even called me back considering they had over 600 applications come in for the position. If I get it I may not be able to travel with T in May but he sounds like he may be reconciled to that.
Friday I have an appointment with a dermatologist and I need to remember to print out a body map like the NP I talked to recommended. I also need to remember to call my ObGyn to find out when my appointment last spring was so I can hunt down a replacement for her and schedule with her. And what I really need to do is tear myself away from this and go do the writing I keep telling myself I want to be doing despite my fear that I'll never get any kind of closure out of the damned story. The effort does not hurt me, I can do this.
We've been playing BioShock all week, and the other night we watched Tron. I wasn't feeling terribly ambitious as I had a murderous head cold sent from the bowels of purgatory to torment me. Jake was really accommodating about it, well, except when he wanted to make out with me and the idea of being horizontal was still anathema to me. I think my reluctance offends him deeply and personally so I usually try to mitigate my reaction and go along with him. I admit, it's worth it and I have never failed to enjoy myself but it's hard feeling so regularly subsumed by someone else.
So, T comes home today and I will go back to my more normal life. I have a Dr. appointment this afternoon to get the surgeon to look at my hips. I don't think he made my abdominoplasty incision quite long enough so the skin gathers a bit and looks asymmetrical. I'm trying to decide how combatitive to be about the issue because I'd prefer to not get stuck footing the bill for fixing something i consider his error, that's assuming he will be able to fix it, Gods above please let him be able to fix it. I'm so tired of feeling self conscious. I avoid being naked with an audience anymore because of this and I know it hurts me.
Monday I have another interview for a job I really thing I might actually like to have, at the airport. I like airports and it's a shorter commute from my home than this place. I like the hours and the pay sounds good. I am hopeful and delighted that they even called me back considering they had over 600 applications come in for the position. If I get it I may not be able to travel with T in May but he sounds like he may be reconciled to that.
Friday I have an appointment with a dermatologist and I need to remember to print out a body map like the NP I talked to recommended. I also need to remember to call my ObGyn to find out when my appointment last spring was so I can hunt down a replacement for her and schedule with her. And what I really need to do is tear myself away from this and go do the writing I keep telling myself I want to be doing despite my fear that I'll never get any kind of closure out of the damned story. The effort does not hurt me, I can do this.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Recording
T has been traveling again, just parts of weeks, a few nights here and there. He keeps talking about having a job or position where he doesn't have to travel, and I wonder to myself how that will affect me. Then I push the concern aside because who knows what the future actually holds for either of us. I assume at some point he will stop traveling and that will be that. It may or may not change my peripheral relationship. I think Jake likes having me stay over, I think he enjoys the game of lets pretend, without the need to manage an actual live in arrangement. I don't know, maybe he wouldn't mind being with me. I still labor under the notion that he can do better and knows he can and he's settling for now because it's easy, I'm good enough, I'm totally into him, and we get along. Good enough lubricant for this relationship for now I suppose. It's enough to have kept it trundling along for 2 and a half years now. It feels like cheating, in more ways than one. I know it's a construct but I do enjoy it, and it is its own reality.
I've liked the half weeks with Jake. I have yet to grow tired of waking up next to him and basking in the luxury of being there with him without the need to go home. These past couple weeks have been pleasant. Two or three nights a week is just enough break from my routine. Instead of playing on the computer I cook new things and watch interesting movies while Jake keeps me company. I get to have entertaining early morning conversations about which superhero would make the best U.S. president, and who his running mate should be. I get to play console games, though I do that more when he's not around and I'm camped out at his place. He tends to watch me play and make 'helpful' remarks. While he is legitimately helpful and has improved my game with some of his suggestions, it makes me self conscious and depending on my mood detracts from my ability to enjoy playing. So long as he doesn't get frustrated with me I'm ok, and he's usually good about that. Still....
I keep job hunting. I'm still hoping to hear back from a good prospect, but if I don't I think I'll suspend my efforts for a little while. T has made a big issue of me traveling to a conference with him that is coming up shortly and while he would deal with it if I couldn't go, he would be petulant about it and I find it is easier for me to just make arrangements to tag along. Plus it gives me more time to capitalize on my fear of joining the rat race. It served as at least a temporary catalyst to get me to start writing more regularly. I've actually been turning out a page a day for a couple of weeks now with only a minor hiccup. I still have trouble with ending a story, but I'm learning more about developing one and I'm keeping notes. I was talking to an amateur writer friend of mine the other day and he confessed that he too has trouble creating endings. I find this reassuring.
Anyway, that's me for now. T will be around for the next week, but he leaves the week after for a full 5 nights I believe. Fortunately Jake won't be dog sitting this time. My heart goes out to that poor pooch who no one but his owner seems to really be fond of. He's a bull in a china shop. Still, it's nice to go to Jake's and not deal with so many allergens too. I'll have to think of some fun things to cook and entertaining stuff to watch. Perhaps we can go out to the local funky video store again this coming week and pick out more eclectic stuff now that Jake has a membership. That was fun, an interesting crowd goes there and it's not so far from where I work that dropping stuff off afterward is any kind of problem.
But enough for now.
I've liked the half weeks with Jake. I have yet to grow tired of waking up next to him and basking in the luxury of being there with him without the need to go home. These past couple weeks have been pleasant. Two or three nights a week is just enough break from my routine. Instead of playing on the computer I cook new things and watch interesting movies while Jake keeps me company. I get to have entertaining early morning conversations about which superhero would make the best U.S. president, and who his running mate should be. I get to play console games, though I do that more when he's not around and I'm camped out at his place. He tends to watch me play and make 'helpful' remarks. While he is legitimately helpful and has improved my game with some of his suggestions, it makes me self conscious and depending on my mood detracts from my ability to enjoy playing. So long as he doesn't get frustrated with me I'm ok, and he's usually good about that. Still....
I keep job hunting. I'm still hoping to hear back from a good prospect, but if I don't I think I'll suspend my efforts for a little while. T has made a big issue of me traveling to a conference with him that is coming up shortly and while he would deal with it if I couldn't go, he would be petulant about it and I find it is easier for me to just make arrangements to tag along. Plus it gives me more time to capitalize on my fear of joining the rat race. It served as at least a temporary catalyst to get me to start writing more regularly. I've actually been turning out a page a day for a couple of weeks now with only a minor hiccup. I still have trouble with ending a story, but I'm learning more about developing one and I'm keeping notes. I was talking to an amateur writer friend of mine the other day and he confessed that he too has trouble creating endings. I find this reassuring.
Anyway, that's me for now. T will be around for the next week, but he leaves the week after for a full 5 nights I believe. Fortunately Jake won't be dog sitting this time. My heart goes out to that poor pooch who no one but his owner seems to really be fond of. He's a bull in a china shop. Still, it's nice to go to Jake's and not deal with so many allergens too. I'll have to think of some fun things to cook and entertaining stuff to watch. Perhaps we can go out to the local funky video store again this coming week and pick out more eclectic stuff now that Jake has a membership. That was fun, an interesting crowd goes there and it's not so far from where I work that dropping stuff off afterward is any kind of problem.
But enough for now.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Tired already
I'm a little discouraged that my lifestyle doesn't already yield the results I want. Not that I didn't see some of this coming. I know that as I get older I have to work harder for smaller results. I also know that my education has been for my own edification and not to any practical purpose. I did always think that my aversion to fast food and the usual lack of excess in my diet would buffer me from some of the problems I am instead encountering. I also though my intelligence, flexibility, stability, and general experience would allow me to at least obtain employment whereby I could support myself. So yes, reality is disappointing by contrast. On the other hand, it could be much worse. I don't have any bad eating habits to break and since I knew in theory I was going to have to work harder as time went on, I merely have to reconcile myself to a slightly more labor intensive pattern of behavior. I'm already in good physical condition and this gives me an excellent platform to work from. And I like my rowing machine, I think I can work with it. As far as employment goes, I could put more effort into that as well as continue to take into account the fact that the economy is in fact rather poor right now and there is a lot of competition for the types of generic positions I am qualified for. I can either bide my time, which I very fortunately have the luxury of doing, or I can develop more technical expertise in some area. In any case, I am confident I will be able to bring about some change in my circumstances before too terribly long, it's just harder than I wanted it to be.
I don't really have any perspective on how things are with Jake right now. I feel like we are more friends than anything else at present, but that still comes with benefits. And I still get jealous when he talks about time he spends with his other female friends, whether they are attached or not. I know from experience that poses no barrier for him and often for them. He commented on why he likes taken women. They are already either unavailable, or not content, and if they are not content and predisposed to him it eliminates the element of competition. They are in a relationship they aren't happy with but they aren't playing the field, so really, there is just him to focus on. There is a logic to that line of though that speaks directly to a more than usually intense dislike of rejection and a less than usually intense interest in forming relationships with other humans.
This life and these things, they are all just a distraction. I was thinking the other day how inconvenient it would be if my life came to an abrupt end just now and how many things I would like to take care of before that happened, knowing full well that once I'm dead I won't care about any of it and there will no longer be consequences for me. But I am alive and I cannot help but participate in my own existence. Bah. I have the most irritating ennui because I've contextualized my existence such that in the grand scheme of things nothing I do or fail to do actually matters. This reduces life's purpose to my own entertainment or distraction. But what will I get the most satisfaction out of? In theory I know what I want, but I'm not certain which of those things I want enough to go out and make them happen. At some point I would like to come to some conclusion. For now I could probably benefit from a better grasp on my own behavior. I should take a more analytical approach and see what I can learn.
I don't really have any perspective on how things are with Jake right now. I feel like we are more friends than anything else at present, but that still comes with benefits. And I still get jealous when he talks about time he spends with his other female friends, whether they are attached or not. I know from experience that poses no barrier for him and often for them. He commented on why he likes taken women. They are already either unavailable, or not content, and if they are not content and predisposed to him it eliminates the element of competition. They are in a relationship they aren't happy with but they aren't playing the field, so really, there is just him to focus on. There is a logic to that line of though that speaks directly to a more than usually intense dislike of rejection and a less than usually intense interest in forming relationships with other humans.
This life and these things, they are all just a distraction. I was thinking the other day how inconvenient it would be if my life came to an abrupt end just now and how many things I would like to take care of before that happened, knowing full well that once I'm dead I won't care about any of it and there will no longer be consequences for me. But I am alive and I cannot help but participate in my own existence. Bah. I have the most irritating ennui because I've contextualized my existence such that in the grand scheme of things nothing I do or fail to do actually matters. This reduces life's purpose to my own entertainment or distraction. But what will I get the most satisfaction out of? In theory I know what I want, but I'm not certain which of those things I want enough to go out and make them happen. At some point I would like to come to some conclusion. For now I could probably benefit from a better grasp on my own behavior. I should take a more analytical approach and see what I can learn.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
cat's away
I sent at least $500 worth of clothing out into the world today, I hope. It should have been picked up by now. I will check when I get home. I thought I'd feel better about it. I did a good deed for a worthy cause, and I got rid of a bunch of stuff, though while utilitarian, was not of particular use to me, and thus burdensome to own. I do feel good about it, just not that good. There is more stuff I'd like to get rid of. In enjoy the idea of downsizing and hope it's something I can make happen someday. I've always liked the idea of a cozy nest, where the exterior belied the interior. Some of my favorite children's books were those by Francis Burney, The Secret Garden, The Little Princess. Sometimes still I drive through rundown neighborhoods and think it would be fun to rent an apartment there, or buy a condo, and completely refurbish the interior. An inviting utopia in the midst of havoc. I like having stuff, but not too much stuff such that it gets in the way. I'd rather have experiences.
I went to see Avatar yesterday with Jake. We held out and saw it in 3D on the IMAX screen, and it was just as stunning as all the rave reviews had implied. I see what they are saying about the conventionality of the story line, but it was good enough, and reiterated things that were worth saying. I liked the idea of the planet/moon as one giant, interconnected mind with more neural connections than the human brain. A mind that the inhabitants could literally plug into and upload and download to and from. And it was an amazing visual experience. I am glad we went. I'm not sure how determined T is to see it. I will find out when he returns from his trip. While I liked Avatar, it is nearly three hours long and my butt did get a little numb.
I've kept slightly odd hours this week, staying up later than usual because of Jake mostly. I'm surprised at how well I have been sleeping when I do go to bed though. I wake up sporadically through the night, particularly if his neighbors are fighting again, or if he is feeling cuddly. He's so incredibly warm all the time that while it makes me smile when he spools himself around me, it also inevitably keeps me awake until such time as he goes back to his side of the bed. It is funny that I get lonely two feet away from him and like to have some part of my body in contact with his.
I've been more self conscious around him than usual and he's probably noticed. I've never weighed this much before for any length of time and while I know I still fit well within normal parameters, I don't really care for the dimpling in my thighs, or the width of my hips. Losing this weight is proving to be more of a challenge than I've been up for as well. Eating lightly and running three days a week isn't enough like it has been before. I am going to have to at least temporarily find a way to cut back on my calorie intake rather severely, and I need to find a way to start working out at least some 5 days a week.
And so goes my year thus far. I'm still failing in the writing department. I'm working on a religious context for my short story, and toying with lengthening it, but half way through January and I've done no more than a couple pages of writing. All the same infrastructures are still in place and I haven't found a successful way to do anything with them yet. My mind continues to work on the issue, but even this blog is growing harder to maintain. Still, I want to remember, I like my details, and enjoy having access to them.
I went to see Avatar yesterday with Jake. We held out and saw it in 3D on the IMAX screen, and it was just as stunning as all the rave reviews had implied. I see what they are saying about the conventionality of the story line, but it was good enough, and reiterated things that were worth saying. I liked the idea of the planet/moon as one giant, interconnected mind with more neural connections than the human brain. A mind that the inhabitants could literally plug into and upload and download to and from. And it was an amazing visual experience. I am glad we went. I'm not sure how determined T is to see it. I will find out when he returns from his trip. While I liked Avatar, it is nearly three hours long and my butt did get a little numb.
I've kept slightly odd hours this week, staying up later than usual because of Jake mostly. I'm surprised at how well I have been sleeping when I do go to bed though. I wake up sporadically through the night, particularly if his neighbors are fighting again, or if he is feeling cuddly. He's so incredibly warm all the time that while it makes me smile when he spools himself around me, it also inevitably keeps me awake until such time as he goes back to his side of the bed. It is funny that I get lonely two feet away from him and like to have some part of my body in contact with his.
I've been more self conscious around him than usual and he's probably noticed. I've never weighed this much before for any length of time and while I know I still fit well within normal parameters, I don't really care for the dimpling in my thighs, or the width of my hips. Losing this weight is proving to be more of a challenge than I've been up for as well. Eating lightly and running three days a week isn't enough like it has been before. I am going to have to at least temporarily find a way to cut back on my calorie intake rather severely, and I need to find a way to start working out at least some 5 days a week.
And so goes my year thus far. I'm still failing in the writing department. I'm working on a religious context for my short story, and toying with lengthening it, but half way through January and I've done no more than a couple pages of writing. All the same infrastructures are still in place and I haven't found a successful way to do anything with them yet. My mind continues to work on the issue, but even this blog is growing harder to maintain. Still, I want to remember, I like my details, and enjoy having access to them.
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