Endurance

One month and three starters later my car seems to be functioning again. I understood the first time it went out, the vehicle is about 8 years old, but when I started having problems a mere week later it was a bit frustrating. Plus I was concerned that by driving through that rather large puddle in a rain storm was maybe the cause of the issue. Having the guys next door shrug their shoulders and say they couldn't figure out what was up when my car was starting intermittently wasn't exactly reassuring either. I bided my time for a stressful few weeks, waited for T's car to be free while he was traveling, and found someone with some electrical expertise to take a look at it only to discover that the started was faulty. Yay, get it towed back to the original place, get it swapped out free of charge, pick it up, car starts fine but makes horrid grinding sound. What sort of yahoos am I dealing with. I kept it over the weekend and took it back to say 'fix please'. Luckily this time when they swapped out the starter yet again, they seem to have given me a decent one. God I hope this holds for another few years at least. Amazing how much emotional energy it requires of me to perpetually deal with something I am so dependent on as my mode of transportation, but I think in retrospect I handled it rather well. I was constantly aware of my support network and resources and that did make it easier.
I joined a gym. I am wondering if now that my car works and I'm done with the sessions with the personal trainer if I will settle into some kind of productive routine. I was going to try to start that today, I probably will start that today, but I am irked that I managed to leave my prepared and packed lunch sitting on the counter at home. I have excellent intentions of incorporating more strength training into my rotation. I think I may be hitting me just how important and useful it is. Funny how all the different parts of my brain don't necessarily believe the same things.
Like with alcohol, I know I need to at least cut back. I know it would take a lot of calories out of my diet, and I know it would be generally healthier for me, not that I plan to give it up, just introduce more moderation. It seems easier when T is gone, like he is now. It ceases to be part of my pattern: prepare dinner, pick something to watch, pour a glass of wine, pour another depending on how much television I watch. When I hang out with Jake, alcohol is often not part of the equation. We went to see a movie together last night and had water. I slept fabulously afterward, though my arm always goes numb when I sleep in Jake's bed, not sure why.
It amuses me how pedestrian my relationship with him has gotten. I really don't know what he thinks about it. I don't know if he's content with the current level of interaction. He seems to like having me around when T is out of town, but he also doesn't seem to mind too much when I'm am less available. He still talks about the future and having kids and a wife, sometimes he talks about going back to school, but he doesn't make any moves toward these things he ostensibly wants. I wonder at what point he'll decide he doesn't care, or decide to change his habits. I wonder if turning thirty will change his perception. He's not one to subscribe to generalizations so he may not take those tangibilities into account ever.
Sometimes I think of him more as friend than as lover anymore. Other times I know I would still react if he did start dating someone. While I think I could live (not happily) without the sex, I know I am still very attached to the relationship I have with him and the place it gives me in his life. I know I would lose that if I were displaced in the sexual hierarchy. Maybe it's lazy of me but I rely on him as my primary social outlet outside the house. I revel in the fact that I always enjoy myself with him, and that we have enough things in common to stave off boredom for years. I suppose it's possible he's a surrogate for the healthier social circle that I'm supposed to have, or it's possible I should give less weight to arbitrary social laws and my relationship with Jake is only contextually unhealthy.
I plan to enjoy my week with him and I have a goal to drop two pounds via exercise and lack of alcohol. I'm going to enjoy my fixed car, and my gym membership, and my temporary change of routine, and then I'm going to have a long weekend.