Conspicuous Resumption

Just a quick footnote at the beginning here, the boy toy did not stop seeing me over the std issue, in case I had mentioned that possibility. I'm glad I didn't say anything to him at the time, would just have pissed him off...not that any of it really matters so very much. He told me why he'd distanced himself. Apparently my vague and lurking suspicions about him and one of his coworkers was more correct than I knew. In the course of their relations she got pregnant and they are having a child. He told me all of this at the point when he seemed to have gotten tired of the relationship, or was feeling a bit trapped. While I am still attracted to him, I just don't feel like going there right now. Too inconvenient, but I did not intend to devote much space to that in this particular blog.
I'm sitting here at work watching the development of an incipient thunderstorm and ruing how long it's been since I wrote anything here. I missed New Years Eve, and I missed my birthday, traditions I was attached to. I will try to make some amends for the benefit of my future self.
It's been an ok year on the whole. Tim and I have decided to explore the possibility of having a kid, just the one, if it happens it does, if it doesn't then I need to revisit what I'm going to spend the bulk of my time doing for the next several decades. I find myself hoping it works out because even though I know there are a lot of things about having a child that I am not going to love, and it will ruin my abdominoplasty, I find I am interested in the process and like the idea of raising a potential little atheist from the ground up. Plus now that I'm a bit more entrenched of my life ending with the demise of my body, and I haven't exactly made myself literarily famous, the idea of sending someone forward into the future a little ways, is appealing to me.
Please pardon my morbid preoccupations, while T and I were away in Grand Cayman on vacation last week, my cat had to be put to sleep. I have had pets die in the past, having grown up with so many of them, but this hit me a lot harder. He has been my only pet for the past 8 years, and I didn't used to be an atheist either. I find that I miss him intensely and am still wrestling a little with guilt that I'd left him to be boarded with the vet when he passed away. It hurts, it hurts so much and I know that if missing, and wanting, and longing could bring those we've lost back from the dead, there are many people who never would have died, and some few who still would have. I hate having to check all those little reactions and habits I had in response to my kitty, worrying about leaving plastic on the floor where he'd chew on it, or random power cords. Looking for him inside the door when I get back from work, finding his hair on my clothing etc. My friends and family have been so nice about it and even that makes it hard. Hell, sitting here thinking about it at work is making me teary eyed, and i hate the futility of it all. I loved him, and I miss him. I think when he revisits my memory periodically over the years I will always miss him. Oddly the prospect of dying myself seemed like more of a relief in the face of having to miss a creature of whom I am so fond. Someday I will be in exactly the same position he is now and there will be parity.
Other than that the trip to Grand Cayman was nice. I've decided that despite my general aversion to water, I really like snorkeling, and that with more practice I might even get half decent at underwater photography. And the food there was spectacular, expensive, but well turned. We went to a couple of restaurants, and it was amusing because at one of them there was a little crab running around on the patio where we were sitting. The other patrons had frightened him so he came over and hid under our table. I felt a gentle tapping on my ankle and I looked down to see this little crab sitting next to my foot just staring up at me. I think he wanted me to share. So yes, we had fun and saw a few things like Hell and the Botanical Garden with the big Blue Iguanas, and we ate too much and exercised a good bit, walked on the beach and had a relaxing time. It's nice to be reminded how easy T is to spend time with. And then we went home, and that was nice too.
Since I know where are many more things I want to get written out I think I will make more of an effort to keep up here despite the absence of the boy toy. Here is hoping.