new year

I found myself reluctant to write this year end but, force of habit. I'm feeling mildly cynical, which is a difficult trap to avoid falling into when you see quite so much repetition of behavior, particularly my own. Still, I think I agree with my standing definition of cynicism in that it is a lazy pattern of thinking. Change is possible, and thinking it isn't is just an excuse not to enact it. The practicality really doesn't help though. My energy reserves are narrowly limited and I have to really want something to make it happen, want it from a rational, means to an end, point of view. It has to make sense, there needs to be a goal. In this case, like with writing, and a degree of autonomy, I may still be insufficiently motivated. Part of me just wants to do it but I'm noticing that part of me isn't particularly disciplined. I hope that's not the bit of me that's responsible for weight loss, because at the tender age of thirty something I've already hit that, just need to lose ten pounds phase. bah!
I will say it has been a nice year. I finished going to school, I did not get my Master's but I am not especially broken up about it. I toy with the idea of formalizing it but am not sure it's currently in me. I also think about going back better prepared for a somewhat more practical masters program. I do like learning, and I like to be held to a regiment of sorts. It's satisfying.
As I get older it is easier and easier to lose track of time, and I become more and more preoccupied with its loss. I hate lying awake at night wondering about the end of my life and obsessing about it. I find it frustrating to believe that nothing is going to exist for me after I die and battling with the idea that humans, that all life is more significant than that and that something ought to happen to my consciousness after I cease occupying this mortal coil. I know that wanting does not make it so and during the day I suppose I am reconciled after a fashion, but at night it keeps me awake and it is increasingly common. I hope that I can find a way to make that stop because it is a thing which is currently inevitable and I would certainly be more comfortable if I didn't have to think about it at least.
For now my life is mostly happy. I am torn sometimes between T and Jake because my life here is a comfortable one with a man I can communicate with and feel safe with but feel no particular challenge from or chemistry with. Jake by contrast is something of a bull ride. He is exhilerating, and often an adrenaline rush. There is always attraction, common interest, scintillating conversation, but with an edge of uncertainty that he is as unfamiliar with what he wants as I am with what I want. I just wish I had access to both worlds without compromise, but that is not the way this particular path is laid out and if I choose to tread it those are the drawbacks I will deal with.
I know I should be more specific about the year because a decade from now I will not be so familiar with these events as I currently am. There weren't really any highlights this year though. There has been a theme that's been playing itself out for a while, and the one thing that 'happened' was school ending. I mentioned it, and that is that. For the rest, perhaps I'll cover things more specifically for my birthday. For now that is all. Goodbye 2009.

'Tis the season

I think every non cheapskate company on the planet had their holiday party this past Friday. Here we had a luncheon, so perhaps some of the cheapskate companies had parties that day too. As has been the trend, T's company didn't have a real party either this year, but Jake's did, and I got to go. It was even more fun this year than it was last year. I finally got to wear the dress that I picked up last year, and it was universally approved of. It fit me a little more comfortably than I would have liked. I'm getting downright large, if only by my own standards. Extreme measure are in the process of being taken. But yeah, I had a great time. I just hate leaving at the end of the night.
It's funny feeling responsible for Jake's situation. I cast myself in the role of enabler sometimes and I'm not sure how justified that is. I'm not going to do anything about it for right now so I might just as well stop being preoccupied with it.
Jake is off work all week this week so I'm hoping to spend some afternoon's with him watching The Mentalist and going jogging. I also want to go see Avatar, I think in 3D. The glasses are appallingly uncomfortable but the movie looks fantastic. I suggested sneaking booze into the theater with us as it's a very very long movie and it might help me cope with the numb buttocks I know I'm going to wind up with.
I'm surprised I didn't manage to go see it over the weekend. I was a little disorganized. I generated enough enthusiasm though to persuade Jake to go get the Christmas tree he wanted, and I got to decorate it. It turned out beautifully and I have some nice stab wounds to commemorate the occasion. Spruce trees are notoriously unforgiving.
I have had fun with this season honestly. There hasn't been a lot of pressure and knowing most of the immediate family is going to be out of town has been liberating. I do need to brace myself for the possibility of things getting foisted on me last minute because T will feel obliged to perform functions he refused to prepare for. I will hope for the best and brace for the typical. I don't need to get unduly irked by petty inconvenience. Dammit, I will have fun. And on to the new year, which increasingly I suspect will be much like the old.

Writing it out

Jake invited me to his company Christmas party again this year, which surprised me mildly because I know at least one of his coworkers knows the situation with me, plus he knows them all well enough now to not require any moral support. Still, he invited me and I accepted and I have been looking forward to it mildly. Particularly as he mentioned he and some of his friends have been practicing a dance routine that sounds like it will be entertaining to watch. I was talking to him this morning about said event and was talking about how fun it will be to see especially as I have a video function on my phone. I was joking about uploading it to youtube. At some point my sallies made him rather uncomfortable and he excused himself from the conversation. Jake is notoriously self conscious and the nature of my teasing had obviously tapped a nerve. After the conversation I texted him an apology for causing him the discomfort, and he proceeded to ignore me....all day.
After a few bland notes I sent to him at random to see if it was my imagination, I asked him point blank if he was in fact ignoring me, to which he replied in the affirmative. So yeah, ouch. I basically told him I thought it was an unfair escalation on his part and that I was hurt. I got a text from him saying 'nice try'. Now, I have an only slightly sub nuclear emotional response to being accused of guilt tripping. I hate it, particularly as I sort of feel like his accusation was the pot calling the kettle black. I mean, what exactly was he trying to accomplish by snubbing me all day after I apologized to him? What's that, guilt trip you say? Yeah, anyway. He chose to elaborate on that point and attack the way I handled the situation, so I wrote back to him to try to outline my point of view. I don't know if I succeeded or failed at this point and knowing Jake I may well have failed spectacularly. I let him know I resented the accusation that I was trying to make him feel guilty, but I ended the missive with an affirmation of the sincerity of my apology.
I would rather not see this relationship crash and burn over such a trivial incident. My normal strategy has been to just take the blame and I was probably more pugilistic this time because I get tired of taking the blame when I don't feel like it all belongs to me. It has been good for me in that it has been so much more important for me to keep Jake in my life than it has been to be right or even partly right that I've developed a slightly better ability to self review and see how utterly caustic I can be, but I feel like I've gotten to the point where I want just a little more equality.
Maybe I'm fucked and this time we're going our separate ways. I can't decide if I should ask him today if he wants his key back, or wait on it. He's notably absent from messenger, and that is certainly deliberate. Guess I'll hold off on getting him a Christmas gift.

Intermission

We have contractors working on our home right now due to some drywall damage. They came over the other day to set up some equipment and cut some holes. I had to be there when they arrived to let them in etc. One of them was all kinds of entertained that I was playing Dragon Age on my XBox. Anyway, they seemed nice enough that I left them there to their own devices while I went to drop off some leftover turkey at Jake's place. He was home with a nasty head cold that I probably gave him. I didn't stay long but it had been long enough for both of us that we had a nice quicky on the couch. It felt amusingly illicit to have left my house and the workers to go have a little interlude with my lover. I know, silly of me, but that's what endorphins will do I suppose. Anyway, they'd nearly finished working when I returned so I ran a quick Heroic Daily on my paladin and went back over to Jake's place for the rest of the afternoon and evening. T had plans to watch a game so I was free for a while. We watched the rest of an interesting movie called The Nines, with Ryan Reynolds. We also fooled around some more upstairs after a pleasant dinner of grilled cheese sandwiches. I kinda like the Sam Adams Double Bock, good stuff.
I keep meaning to dive into the holiday season like I mean it. There is quite a bit to do and I just haven't been able to muster the focus. And honesty, Thanksgiving wasn't that hard to pull off. I wasn't worried about it to begin with and the actual execution was even easier than I'd anticipated. Even the MIL was reasonably well behaved and all the food turned out very well. Everyone stuck around for longer than I could have wished but that's just me being an introvert and I was not tortured in any way really. I'm still not sure what we're doing for Christmas. These people tend to plan everything at the last possible minute.
We're thinking tentatively about going back home to visit for New Year's but I don't think that's going to happen. At least I've taken some time off just in case, and it will be fun to have a vacation. I may forget how to work. Speaking of work, the classifieds are still pretty slim pickings. It will be amusing if it takes me an entire year after school is out to find a new job. I am getting too accustomed to such ease and free time. I still worry a little about what more financial self reliance is going to do to my relationship. I am hard on T and my atheism disturbs him more because I make an issue of it than for any other reason. Oh well.
I could say more but honestly I'm tired of details. I know I keep writing this in part because I'm disturbed by the swift and constant passage of time and I feel like writing it down at least gives me a somewhat better grip on where my life has gone and is going.

Seasonal

Winter always seems more real to me than Summer. Summer is a time out from the work of living. You are encouraged to play, and life is more of a pass time than a job. I can hang on to winter, I can make more things happen here. Funny to think of time as a place but all times are associated with places so I suppose it's not unreasonable. And I talk as though winter is easier to hang on to than summer but here we are at the latter end of November with Christmas looming around the corner and I'm not sure when I realized summer was over for another year.
T is out in the NW right now so I've been staying with Jake most of the week. It's been pleasant as usual and it is increasingly obvious this has become a pattern for him. I remark only because he came home rather late on Monday from work, and Tuesday is a traditional happy hour day for him and that had him out until 10pm. From this it is apparent that he takes my presence in his life for granted. This doesn't bother me, and makes me smile a bit, but it also makes me think. Just how content is he with the status quo. Are we just going to meander along this way until he literally trips across something more interesting? We have built an existence in common and aren't likely to suddenly cease getting along. I don't know, but for the time being I am content. I suspect I agonize over it more than he does, but my end is a touch more complex anyway, and I am the girl in the relationship. It's funny to entertain the prospect of an affair that spans a decade.
I continue to be frustrated in my job hunt, but with unemployment at 10% I can't complain but just so much. I was off work for a couple of days last week due to the Nor'Easter we had. It was nearly the equivalent of some of the tropical storms we've had in the area, and our work parking lot was mostly underwater. As per usual the water blew sideways in through the ventilation in our home so I need to remember to call a contractor to appraise the damage. I feel like I need to step up and make these things happen as I am the one with the free time. Sometimes, because of that, I wish I could stop having all the free time. Other times I wish I just had permission to keep on as I am so I could adapt and plan accordingly. I want to go places and do things and I need to know what kind of platform I'm working with. Of course, if I would just get it together and make self employment work it would be far less of an issue. Dream dream dream dream.
Tonight I'm supposed to go running with Jake in the neighborhood, it will be good for me as we're planning another hearty and well balanced dinner, nothing gained, nothing lost. I do feel good about working out a little harder though. I'd like to work on my speed a little I just have such an aversion to the treadmill lately. I've also been contemplating ways to break myself of my nearly debillitating carbohydrate habit. I just can't eat that much spinach, and pasta is so damned tasty.
All the rest is trivial. Dad is being really annoying with his god stuff. I just did a bunch of farming and crafting in WoW to make some stuff for an in game friend who is new. I have a niece now and no idea what to get her for Christmas. T has given me no idea what to expect for the holidays. Yep, all standard stuff. Oh yeah, mom gave away her dog, we are both relieved, and the dog seems happy.

Sum up

I'd started jogging with Jake again but it didn't last long. It's just too dark this time of year to go trekking out to the park at night. The last time we planned to we got rained out. I told T I was going to meet up with Jake and try to talk him out of going, then T ran into Jake and I at the grocery store where we'd gone to pick up some stuff for brownies for his office. T was acting oddly for the next few days and when I would ask what was wrong, he'd claim it was nothing. You can only bother a person so much before you actually create a problem so I left it alone. About a week later he confessed that it bugged him to see me at the store with Jake and then he gave me twenty questions about whose car we had taken, why I hadn't just called him to cancel, etc. T knows that Jake and I are friends and I know that it bothers him so I don't rub his nose in it, but when he goes after me over trivial shit I find it irritating. It would be one thing if he were privvy to the true nature of the relationship, but as he is not I find his reactions excessively needy and paranoid. Yes, I know, no one would take my side on that one but that's only because you all know there is more going on and I can't ask an audience to ignore that information. Bleh, I shall take my lumps.
Anyway, T had made plans to go out of town for a few days last week, and then he cancelled the trip the day before he was supposed to leave. I was annoyed. My temperament still doesn't handle changes of plans very well. He at least did reschedule and he's supposed to leave again tomorrow for a couple of days. He may or may not travel next week, and he's supposed to 'definitely' be travelling for a full week the week after that. I'm looking forward to the break. I am perfectly content having him around and my life is downright cozy. We get along well and I enjoy our routine, but I like having the variety sometimes, living the stupid fantasy for a while, and getting the hell away from my World of Warcraft habit. I can maybe watch some new movies, get some more reading done, and track down other entertainments. Plus Jake and I have tentative plans to watch the upcoming meteor shower. That should be fun if I can drag my butt out of bed at the appropriate and ungodly hour.
Halloween was on a Saturday this year. I prepared accordingly, but my entire cul de sac banded together and inadvertently thwarted me. They had a group set up complete with brazier in the middle of the street, effectively siphoning off my constituency. I have a lot of left over candy. We went out and joined them for a bit after I browbeat T into it. He claims to want to socialize more, but getting him to actually do it can be like pulling teeth....impacted wisdom teeth....growing sideways. Still, I think we both had a nice time once we got out there. I've gotten to know the folks next door a bit better, and I borrowed Big Bang Theory from them. Their eldest son has Asperger's so they're fans of the show. Now I need to finish watching it.
Things seem to be going well with Jake. It's an absurdly comfortable relationship. It was odd though, the other weekend he was mysteriously unavailable on Saturday, said he was working. I wound up going out to lunch with T and I swung by Jake's place on the way back. I hadn't seen his car at the office and I was curious to see if he was home, plus I was going to pick up my copy of Firefly, at least ostensibly. But that plan was foiled as both his cars were there plus an extra in the driveway. The other car looked a lot like the one he describes as belonging to the office manager where he works. I texted him to let him know I'd driven by, and why I'd done so in the interest of transparency, I needed him to know that I knew for some reason and that I had no intention of pursuing it. He did not elaborate on the situation and other than making humorous leading remarks to see my reaction, he has left the entire subject alone. The funniest part of the entire situation for me was my reaction to seeing that car there. It was almost exactly like my response to finding out he had slept with J. But while my body went into overdrive, my brain didn't spiral into gibbering incoherence and as far as I can tell, I'm fine. I don't know how fine, but I seem to have managed to blow it off, whatever it was.....or is.
And while there is a lot more commentary I could throw in here, I think this is enough for now.

The Whole Thing

My horoscope today was amusingly appropriate "You've a tendency to agonize about the next step. If you get stuck, mention it to others. They'll give you ideas you won't agree with, and you'll realize the direction you want to go." That's me, I flip coins over decisions to give me a better idea of what I don't want to do. Not that I'm agonizing over anything just now. The only thing I'm working on is that damned short story that I've been ignoring all week long. I've been trying to treat it like a research paper with a due date, but my head is too smart for me.
It's been a mixed week. I made a list of things to do and I've been actually getting them done, an oddly organized thing for me to do, but I've slacked on my dietary restrictiveness and backslidden as a result. I have been continuing to work out but not with the level of regimentation I need to. I cannot let myself get accustomed to this and it needs to change sooner than later.
In other news, I miss Jake. I haven't seen him since Sunday and our schedules haven't matched up well. The one evening I could have gone jogging with him I was wiped out and had lawn mowing on my agenda so I decided to forgo. We had an odd conversation last night about other people's relationships. He has the usual collection of zany married friends who are varying stages of miserable a good deal of the time and we were speculating about why and what sorts of expectations go into maintaining a warped relationship. So it's easy enough to pick apart someone else if you know them well at all and see what sorts of underpinnings there might be to sponsor their behaviors, but it's harder to look at yourself. I asked him speculatively what he thought his quirks might be but either he doesn't see them, or is invested in not acknowledging them. Not a productive line of inquiry in any case. He's far too intelligent to be neurotic, but I do see him as excessively emotionally guarded, something I can't exactly call him out on as I could accuse myself of the same thing. I think I am bad for him, I love him, but I'm not healthy for him. He's not healthy for himself necessarily, he's just less likely to change if I'm helping to enable the status quo. Selfish of me, I want him but don't want to rely on him. He doesn't want to be relied on. Just more reminders of why he got along so well with J. Unbelievable that that still hurts like it does. It was my very closest and worst encounter with rejection. What a flimsy soul I am. Then, maybe not. I am not sure that more experience with rejection would have helped it feel any less awful.
T continues to be a bit stressed over work issues. He keeps taunting me with the prospect of travel plans which never materialize because he's so busy. This is my favorite time of year and I'd give a lot to be free to spend more of it with Jake, curled in his bed, around his incredibly warm body. It would make me happy to be free to pursue this with him openly but I would have had to have married another kind of man entirely in order to do so. No sense dreaming, or at least if I'm going to dream, I should do something productive with it.....like write!

Make Haste Slowly

Jake has decided to get back into running and I have been requisitioned for purposes of diversion while participating in onerous activity. I've finally worked myself back up to a steady 3 miles so extending to the 4 that he likes to run isn't outside my abilities. I need the extra calorie burn in either case. Even when eating moderately I can only manage to maintain my weight, losing extra pounds requires fun levels of extra effort, oh goody. At least it's a fantastic time of year to be outdoors working out. It's funny how nostalgic I get as this is the beginning of my third autumn hanging out with Jake. So far T isn't giving me much grief about running with him either, mostly due to the fact that he's absurdly busy I think.
Things aren't going well at the company and there is a very real chance it could be forced into bankruptcy. T's enthusiasm staves off most of the apprehension though. He has too many resources and too much motivation for something like that to cripple him. While circumstances may conspire against him I just don't have the energy to borrow trouble that doesn't seem indicated. I do hate waiting and only planning very short term. I dislike the uncertainty but knowing that my idea of discomfort is most people's experience of reality curtails my ability to dwell on it at length.
T went to the office early this morning and Jake had been hinting broadly that I ought to get away some morning and go over to his place, so I took the opportunity. It's something I fantasize about doing regularly, give the positive experiences I have of waking up next to him. He's ridiculously warm and pleasant smelling, and there are usually perks. So, I will smell like him all day today. It's distracting but in a nice way.

waning philosophical

I wonder sometimes if he likes me, or simply likes that I so obviously like him. I know it's not that simple, but I wonder how large a contributing factor it is. I think of myself as someone who has a fair measure of self confidence. I'm not especially insecure, I don't think I'm conceited either. I know that depending on my mood my self perception gets skewed in one direction or the other, but I think that my constant exposure to Jake has made me hyper-conscious of myself in regard to him. I am aware of my shortcomings and the ways in which I fail to divert or entertain those around me. I am able to be interesting if you are willing to be interested in me. I like science and science fiction. I like to think about the context the world provides and what the implications are even though philosophers have been wrestling with those concepts for literally thousands of years. I like to imagine things in a way more pleasing to me, and I like to make up stories. I can be clever sometimes if given a good forum, but I'm not really funny. I know how to be a good audience though. I'm not ugly, or fat, I am not skinny, and I am cute, or pretty. Is this enough? Why does this topic make me sad, I can feel the lump in my throat. I think I wish I had a better idea of how he felt about me. I don't know why. Or rather, I don't know what difference it would make or how exactly it's relevant. All the little things he does for me demonstrate that he's fond of me and cares about me but I will never know if he wants more or less of what we have and what that means. It has actually been two years now and this isn't ending or even really slowing down. It seems to be maintaining a constant pace with no sign of an end. How long can it be like this? T will probably have various business trips of varying length and frequency a few times a year that will give me little vacations, and the demands on my weekends will mostly continue to be light for the foreseeable future. It's odd to think of this as indefinitely sustainable. Why? I work under the assumption that Jake does want more and that eventually someone suitable will wander into his path, but his life is a fairly closed environment so it's anyone's guess how long it could take for that to happen. At the same time will it eventually wear on him that I can't go on vacation with him. We can't plan days at a time together. Not being inside his head, I just can't know. I think sometimes if our roles were reversed (which I doubt they ever would have been because he seems rather genuinely offended at the idea of straying himself) I would have wanted to go forward with the relationship or terminate it by now. Maybe I'm projecting and the fact that he hasn't expressed discontent makes me wonder if he wants me after all.
But I am safe where I am and I know that. It's just hard to remember because of how ridiculously happy I am with Jake. I spent all afternoon with him yesterday. I read a book while he played a game. We laid out in the backyard in his hammock for a while and dozed in and out. We went to the grocery store, forgot batteries, forgot to return a game, got food for lunch, went back to the store, forgot the game again, got food for dinner, I watched him drift off to sleep while watching Wrath of Kahn, and I loved it all because I enjoyed myself and am still besotted with the man. I slept well, woke up to more sex and will have a good and happy day knowing I get to see him again tonight. I will miss him when T gets home and resent being kept away from him. And yet....I stay where I am. Maybe someday I'll sort it all out.

yesterday

Yesterday I was supposed to give Jake a ride to work so he could collect his borrowed truck from a coworker who'd fixed it for him when it died. I got a text message saying that plan had been scrapped because the guy hadn't had a chance to work on it in the evening like he'd planned due to a fight with his wife, but then later in the morning I got another message last minute saying the truck was fixed after all and oh crap. Me not being one to pass up an opportunity to see Jake told him that I'd go ahead and drop him off and just be late to work. No big deal. I've been at this place for few years and while I do have my issues, reliability isn't one of them. I tried calling in to tell them but our archaic voicemail system was down. I was only about 20 minutes late in either case. It was funny though because when I went out to my car to leave I realized I'd left my garage door open all night and a hawk had flown in there and gotten trapped. It couldn't just be a normal neighborhood bird like a finch or a sparrow, no, it had to be a hawk with his shiny predatorial beak and daunting wing span. He was a stupid hawk too. Somehow the large 10x12 opening to my garage didn't register with him as a point of exit. So I locked the door to the house and left the garage open all day in hopes he'd leave on his own, which he did.
I managed to put off going jogging in favor of levelling my paladin and just generally playing around. I felt badly about that but managed to get a hold of T just because I was about to pry myself out the door and he opted to go jog with me. Made it a little more distracting but damn it was hot out. I need to go again today, absolutely need to, but it's like an oven out there and I will not want to.
Anyway, today has been far more ordinary than yesterday but something is afoot here at the office and no one will say what. Mostly they seem not to know, but the ones who obviously do know are playing it close to the vest. One worries about being shut down. In this economy it could happen to our backwater little station. I realize this is less of a problem for me than for most of the folks working here but it still makes me apprehensive. I shall keep my ear to the ground.

Hampster Wheel

The man is out of town again on a business trip. He left on a Sunday which means I had a partially indulgent weekend. The boy toy and I went out to see a movie, Dist. 9, which I though was fantastic. It was one of the more original films I've watched lately. We had a good time, which almost carried us through the lawn mower debacle that followed. He'd ordered a mower online through a local store, but when we went to pick it up it wasn't actually in stock. There followed a series of strings, hoops, and entertaining set backs. He was finally reduced to ordering one that wouldn't be in for several more days. Yay, return trip. But it was fun being the girlfriend. Associating myself with him gives me warm fuzzies. He's attractive, intelligent, and funny. So yeah, then we went back to his place, drank a little, watched Harold and Kumar, and made some bean dip, yum. I forgot my pillow so I didn't sleep all that well, but being awake there is nicer than being awake other places.
Yesterday was his birthday and he took part of a day off. I ran some errands to pick up a few things for him like cake and a type of liquor he likes, before going over there. Also got my paladin to level 60. Now to decide if I should do the mount quest or just buy the riding skill. I'm leaning toward the latter. Anyway, I went over to his place again and spent the afternoon there. We went to catch Harry Potter in the evening and he took me to one of his favorite restaurants afterward. On the whole I would have to say it was an entirely pleasant birthday celebration. Also the morning sex has been nice. Birthday sex should be a right.
Now of course I've put on a couple pounds from all the eating and procrastinating on exercise so today has been set aside for yardwork and jogging as well as potential spinach salads. The man is coming home tomorrow so this will be my last evening with boy toy. He has dinner with a family member this evening and I don't know how long that will keep him. I'm thinking of renting a movie for when he gets back, but it doesn't matter particularly. Entertainment continues to be very easy with him. I still very much enjoy his company.
I still don't quite know what he thinks of us, or if he thinks about it. Sometimes he starts to say things and doesn't finish, but I can't make myself pursue it much. I don't really need to know things people don't really want to share and I"m content to leave be as a rule. I hope he doesn't think I dont notice though. I hope he's not unhappy. I just don't know where he will wind up and I wonder if I am a legitimate problem and what sort of ramifications my continued participation in his life will have. Yeah, time will tell.

Stagnation

Oddly I haven't bothered writing anything since my last stay with Jake. It's been a couple of weeks now. Really it was a pretty uneventful visit. I noticed that there were at least two occasions where he went out with friends from work rather than coming straight home to hang out with me. I got lonely, that surprised me. One of the times he was only home a couple of hours later than usual, but the other time he was out rather late. At some point, I think around 8 that night, I went over to his place anyway as I'd gotten terribly bored at home, it was too quiet, I knew his laptop was at his house with a graphic novel on it that I've been reading, and I was afraid that if he were out too late I wouldn't have been able to summon the motivation to go over there. I was mildly resentful of his lateness as I could have raided with my guild that night. It was entertaining because initially he didn't want me coming out with him, citing some awkwardness over my relationship status, but later, after I'd taken the Tylenol PM and settled in, he was trying to get me to come out and rescue him. If only I'd known sooner. I will have to make a mental note of that behavior as I do like opportunities to hang out with some of his work friends. They're a fun bunch and I rue my censure a bit. In any case, it was a typically fun week on the whole. We got his hammock set up, and as per usual, I enjoyed his company far more than was healthy for me.
It's been pretty damned close to two years I've been with this guy now and still when I feel his interest in me waning my sanity slides off balance with radical speed. He didn't call or text much at all yesterday evening and I was so grouchy I picked a fight with T over whether we were going to attend an upcoming wedding in CA. It was ridiculous. I can't help but think he's losing interest and the thing that keeps this going is his lack of interest in pursuing other avenues. We get along fine but we can both feel this isn't going anywhere and I'm not sure he wants it to anyway. I suspect it's rather unhealthy sometimes when I feel just how much of a hold he has on me and know I can't be open about it, but I'm far too selfish and smitten to let go of him unless someone pries me loose. I will stay with him for as long as he is willing to have me around under these conditions. On some levels that's fine, he and I would be good friends, on other levels it's not fine at all. If I were a slightly different, slightly more worthwhile person, I would want to be with him
Sorry about the overt denigration. I feel a bit conflicted about myself today, lately, sporadically. I feel like I'm going nowhere slowly. I don't feel any real internal compulsion to 'make something of myself' but I understand there exists a certain expectation that I do so. Additionally we are a little strapped for cash just now and that situation would be made far easier if I were pulling in a bit more, at least something approaching my 'fair share'. It also depresses me that I've had an opportunity forced on me, and I'm not taking it. I am in the perfect situation to pursue writing and the only reason I haven't done it is me. I lack a certain attention to detail. It persists.
On the plus side, I've been fighting diligently against entropy this week. I've been running with some regularity and goals. I have been doing a little creative writing. And I still have a roof over my head as well as a spouse who loves me dearly. My life is good, I'm just not in a good position to appreciate that. Sometimes it's tempting to just get medicated.

5 weeks

So it's been a full month since I had surgery. I have an appointment today with the doctor and I'm sincerely hoping to get more than 2.5 seconds of his time. You know, in the absence of microchip augmented memory, I might want to consider making more lists considering I do think of questions to ask my designated medical professional but he always seems in such a rush that my innate desire to avoid causing inconvenience effectively squelches them all. Thank god for Google, though I could wish more actual people would write about the experience. If I had a bit more fortitude I'd undertake the task myself. I wish I had, chalk that one up to another trivial regret. In any case, I'm over this navel infection. I'm pretty sure it's still so vulnerable because the remaining stitches have stubbornly refused to dissolve leaving me an easy target. Is it so much to as to have a somewhat normal looking belly button? I can live with the scar but this is insult to injury.
In other news T is increasingly grouchy about his impending sales trip out west. He screwed up his schedule such that he probably won't be visiting my mother like he'd initially intended. He's so terribly organized on his own turf that it amazes me when I see him in travel mode. He has no idea what he is doing from day to day. I suspect it has something to do with his fanatical dislike of business travel. He's already threatened to scrap the whole trip, a threat that makes me instantly cranky because fond as I am of the man I'm really looking forward to being left to my own devices for a blissful week. Even if Jake weren't in the cards, self indulgence is the watchword when he's away. Obviously it would be wildly inappropriate to share these feelings with T though I'm certain I've hinted at it broadly, hopefully in a non insulting way. I wonder if my emotional reserves are so very low, abnormally so, such that I enjoy having only myself to worry about more than I ought to. Where did I get it from? Environment? Genetics? Both? Probably both.
Speaking of, I still haven't gotten a job though I've continued applying. The fiasco with the staffing agencies was discouraging. I don't understand why they can't make allowances for those who are employed part time and want to give notice. Surely not all their clients need immediate fill ins for the positions available and one would think that it bodes well if the person comes to you already demonstrably employable. Grrr.....I shall keep applying. I shared my frustrations with T and he has been reassuring with the lack of urgency, but I feel guilty. Not guilty enough to attempt to start writing with a mind to making money off it apparently, but but guilty enough to feel faintly virtuous for feeling guilty over something that I patently ought to feel a little bad about. Did that make sense?
And Jake isn't talking to me today, not sure why. It could be a deliberate, well, it's probably somewhat deliberate, more to the point he could be upset with me, or it could just be a passive aggressive neglect. I'm sure I'll find out later one way or another. I have noticed that his absence has made me cranky, moody, more easily upset than usual, all the normal stuff I've come to expect. The prospect of having a conventional relationship with Jake is speculatively a little frightening for me. I am so emotionally entangled with him and he's more volatile than I am comfortable with. I would need him to be happier with me than I think he would be as I am verifiably a difficult person to deal with on many levels. I just don't know but that's what's running through my brain just at present.

well founded

I was looking at my shaman's gear yesterday and thinking how desperately I need to upgrade the legguards. I really considered staying home and raiding Ulduar with the guild, but I'd made plans for dinner with Jake as T had a business function to attend until fairly late. In the balance of things, I'd far rather spend time with Jake. So I went over there and we spent a very pleasant evening. I made red beans and rice, we drank a little, and watched Samurai Jack, which is very entertaining. I was pretty sleepy but the evening was mellow in either case. He got playing one of the games on his XBox so I went upstairs to lie down for a bit, but he opted to follow me which led to things of course. Attraction is so crucial. I could have taken or left the hookup, but I enjoyed it because it was with him.
I was feeling more than usually self conscious as post surgery my belly button has a little bit of an infection. I've covered it with a bandage which looks weird to me. Oh well, at least the swelling over my hips seems to be abating. I would prefer not to wind up with post abdominoplasty dog ears. I hear they are easy enough to correct but I'd rather skip the whole process. I'm highly motivated to look and feel as normal as possible as quickly as possible. I feel like I've been behaving pretty well over the course of the recuperative process. I'm near 5 weeks now and itching to start exercising again. I think I will get back into the aerobic sooner than later but I will let any weight lifting go for a little longer, at least another week.
I checked my guild website this morning as per usual and we got another boss down on Uld 25 which was nice. I found myself vaguely wishing I'd been there, but then I remembered I was having sex with a really hot guy, and in the grand scheme of things I will value that memory a hell of a lot more. I enjoy my virtual world quite thoroughly, but i know it doesn't have the staying power and emotional relevance of real world experiences.
Jake brought up J last night, freely and of his own volition. I went on about that a little too long and feel somewhat badly, but he didn't seem to react negatively which I found somewhat reassuring. In either case I sincerely doubt she'll come up often and it did give me an opportunity to mention she wouldn't be going back to work at the local book store.
Speaking of work, I was talking to a local staffing agency yesterday and was disappointed to learn the don't take on people who are currently employed. I don't feel like leaping without a net just yet, and T doesn't seem to think there is a huge sense of urgency so I will bide my time. I found a job listing I'm interested in as well with another local communications station and it's nice to think I might have a better in with them give my experience in the field. We shall see, but I am hopeful.
T leaves for the west coast on Sunday so I will be spending the week with Jake. Need to let my raid leader know I'll be out next week. Will be nice to have some time off from my extremely lackadaisical raid schedule. Doubtless I will write more soon.

I don't like this

I know that I don't see myself very clearly. I know I can be a bit wrapped up in myself and I know I'm inclined to think my opinions are more valid than the opinions of others. I try to not be too attached to the things I believe because abstractly I do understand that reality is perception and anchoring opinions in some kind of fictional bedrock is foolhardy. That being said, I have trouble contending with people who I perceive as irrationally oversensitive. It is as though they attach their identity to their conceptions and if they perceive a slight to one, they take it personally. Arguing with someone else's emotional response is a waste of time. All you can really do is try to construct a sincere and non partisan apology and hope the relationship is important enough to salvage. Jake objects to me remarking on the relatively low alcohol content of Guinness. Low alcohol content is disparaging, ok, I will stop mentioning it. I did not look at it that way but I understand this is a small issue in the grand scheme and your feelings are more important than my opinions. But yeah, I kinda judge you for the way you took it. I think you're beeing illogical and needlessly oversensitive. It bothers me. I don't like to feel like I have to walk on eggshells because your feelings are important to me and I hate feeling like I'm constantly running the risk of losing you over something that seems absurd in retrospect. On the flip side, I'm not noted for my sensitivity and I could stand to be more considerate of others. You are worth it to me and so if nothing else, this is good practice.
I had a nice 4th of July weekend. I spent almost all day Friday with Jake, and a good portion of the afternoon on Saturday. I've started reading Invincible, which he has on his laptop. It's a very good little graphic novel and I'm enjoying it. Such a fun genre. When we were at Border's on Friday I read Joss Whedon's "Fray" and that was also thoroughly enjoyable. I still love hanging out with that man. I like the conversation and the usual choices of activities. T is great for stability, discussions about work and world politics, but Jake feeds my imagination and I more closely identify with his philosophy than I do with T's. Still, T's optimism is a leavening influence and I suspect that life with Jake could be a roller coaster.
I would like to get more organized this week. I believe I shall print out some resumes and arrange to drop them with some staffing agencies after inquiring about hiring policies. I was lamenting my lack of self determination to T the other day. I think with practice I could make at least a marginally livable income by writing and the thing that most stands in my way is my lack of discipline. I'd like to come up with a story concept and see if I can follow it through.

Debunked

So, I was talking with Jake last night on the phone after having exchanged the usual batch of casually playful text messages, and he ended the conversation rather abruptly and stopped talking. I sent him a text asking about seeing him the following day to which he did not respond. Then I sent him a sort of pathetic text a while later because I'd already started getting depressed at the distance. Amazing what a profound effect he continues to have on my mood and overall emotional well being. Just as soon as the situation changes context it all gets cast in a different light. I feel as though I need him to continue feeling like existing is worthwhile and diverting. Not only does he bring objects and interests to the equation he motivates me to pursue them. I know that in part it's a conscious choice on my part to use him as a focal point but it seems so indicated. Rats, I'm apparently still wholly wrapped up in the man and he continues to be worth the effort for me. I was so damned relieved when he called this morning and so glad I hadn't gone of the deep end given the normalcy of the conversation we did have. It's a little demoralizing realizing once again how much influence that man has over my emotional well being. I suppose if he dumped me I'd recover eventually, but really, I might not. He's too well connected, I've adopted too many of the things he's introduced me to and they are all no so closely associated with him that my life would at least temporarily be a barren wasteland if he vacated. Please excuse the hyperbole but that is how it would feel. I lead a rather dull existence and mostly I like it that way, but the added dimension of Jake is a welcome one and I would be loath to see him go. So, I think I will cultivated a warmer, fuzzier, more sympathetic attitude.
Not much else has happened between yesterday and today. I got my incision retaped and I had a nice afternoon with J. We suit each other and I think we will remain friends despite our very awkward shared history. I got to meet her new little blind dog and he was adorable, though I still think I prefer Wiggles. Also, I found out that her husband, my former extra curricular, is going to be station on the same ship with my husband's cousin. Small world, but I am only modestly apprehensive. I may say something to D but I don't think I have real reason for concern.

Inexorable

Three weeks tomorrow since my abdominoplasty and I'm still recovering. Everyone but me thinks my belly button looks nearly normal, but it persists in being a foreign intrusion on my familiar anatomy to my perception. I continue to be diligent about taking care of my recovery as best I can but my aversion to that damned binder has not waned. There is some puffiness around my hips that might be helped by more constant pressure but I have yet to persuade myself to climb back into my restraints for any prolonged period. I did invest in some shapewear that helps to a degree and I've been taking motrin in the mornings. I really should just lay off the alcohol for a couple more weeks but it's more difficult than I thought it would be. I like wine with some cheese and crackers in the evening while watching old episodes of Bones. Then when I'm raiding it's nice to have some sauce to take the edge off the flavor of gaming tensions.
I'm feeling normal enough that I went and spent all last Saturday with Jake. The spouse had a full day booked so I was free for a solid 10 hours. We went out to see Jake's mother and to wash his brother's dog. Jake kidnapped his sister's truck to learn how to drive a standard, making the drive home a novel experience. We stopped and saw the movie UP, which was ridiculously adorable and made me misty eyed at least a couple of times. I'm already hyper aware of my own mortality, seeing a time lapse of the main character from childhood to the death of his wife gave me a piercing sense of solitude but the .movie handled it well and honestly I would eventually watch it again.
I had a really good day. I might have overdone it a little, I was sore the next day, part of that might be because I ventured to have sex for the first time in over two weeks but that was terribly worth it. When I am away from Jake for a while I can forget about the chemistry but just as soon as I spend any time around him it comes flooding back. I could get away but I sincerely don't want to and it doesn't help that I still have no real spark with my spouse. I genuinely love the man and I can tell, but I have no interest in making out with him. Wish this country had a more convenient social structure.
Tim hasn't travelled since April which is a long time for him to go between trips...a long time for me too. He may have a one night trip next week but probably not so the only certain thing I can almost count on with near total reliablility is his plan to go out west for a sales trip the week of the 20th. I am looking forward to it with something akin to curiosity since it's been so very long since I last was able to spend that kind of dedicated time around Jake. I think it will be a very pleasant week as per usual. I plan to introduce him to the joys of V, the old 80s miniseries that ABC plans to remake. We should have lots of fun.
In the mean time, after nearly a month, I'm finally getting together with J. We have late lunch plans this afternoon. I've nearly forgotten what she looks like. She will need a ride so I get to see the Wiggles and her new dog Odin too. I'm looking forward to it with only minor reservations.

New Location

I finally went and had an abdominoplasty. I might actually right an extended explanation of the procedure and the pursuant recovery in a blog post just for remembrance and edification purposes. I think I will be glad that I did it. I know at least that I would have continued wanting to do it until I'd acted on it, and I think I will be satisfied with the results. I admit it was more than I bargained for and I'm normally better about educating myself on what I sign up for. You'd think common sense would have served me better at least.
I took a little over a week off work for the surgery, which wasn't a problem. I thought I'd get it out of the way before I went and actually found a new and full time position somewhere. I do feel that nagging sense of obligation that is going to prevent me from casually requesting other time off here and there for my own leisure purposes. And the job hunt is going more slowly than even I anticipated with the economy being slow as it is and everyone worried about costs. I'm really not sure what action to take next but I think as soon as I start feeling better and get rid of this thrice accursed binder I will look into the possibilities offered by a staffing agency.
My spouse has been very patient about the whole thing and incredibly helpful with the post surgery situation. I got rather content being around him again and continue to enjoy his company. I think Jake is starting to wear off a little now that I've been moonlighting with him for nearly 2 years. I'm still very attracted to him but the emotional excess seems to be wearing off. I have considered that this may be at least partially a side effect of my current straits. I feel a bit like a circus side show freak, or Frankenstein's monster. Since my relationship with Jake gravitates so heavily toward the physical, it leaves a vacancy. I don't feel like he understands how and why it is so much more difficult for me to engineer time to be unaccounted for when I am so persistently uncomfortable myself. However, I should be returning to some semblance of normalcy sooner rather than later and I will see just how much effect my convalescence has had on this illicit connection. I have already concluded that I am no more attracted to T than I have been for some time. I recognize him as moderately appealing but there isn't any real chemistry with him. However, I don't have as strong an aversion to him physically as I did when I was more emotionally wrapped up in Jake. Mostly I've just wanted to be left alone, and I know that at least part of that is due to my current physical condition.
T says he's going to have a heavy travel schedule again soon and if Jake continues to be available it will be interesting to see what impact spending a lot of time around him will have on my waning emotional connection. It has been nice relinquishing some of the intensity, especially now that J is back in town for a couple of years. I dont need to worry quite so much about her reconnecting with him. And that girl is a menace to herself and those around her. She's too young and too appealing to be stringently monogamous and I'm not sure she understands how careless she is of her behavior and of the feelings of her female friends with regard to the men in their respective lives. I wonder if she even cares.
I have been entertaining the idea lately that eventually I may be the one who has to take active steps to terminate my extracurricular relationship. I assumed that at some point Jake would meet someone and have a bona fide relationship, but he seems even less inclined to actively pursue dating than I ever would have thought. The idea of this going on indefinitely has only limited appeal. My emotional resources are small and there is a great deal of effort involved in maintaining two relationships of that nature. On the plus side, I continue to like Jake quite well and am pleased with what he has added to my life in terms of creativity and resources. I have loved knowing him and hope to continue doing so.