Recording

T has been traveling again, just parts of weeks, a few nights here and there. He keeps talking about having a job or position where he doesn't have to travel, and I wonder to myself how that will affect me. Then I push the concern aside because who knows what the future actually holds for either of us. I assume at some point he will stop traveling and that will be that. It may or may not change my peripheral relationship. I think Jake likes having me stay over, I think he enjoys the game of lets pretend, without the need to manage an actual live in arrangement. I don't know, maybe he wouldn't mind being with me. I still labor under the notion that he can do better and knows he can and he's settling for now because it's easy, I'm good enough, I'm totally into him, and we get along. Good enough lubricant for this relationship for now I suppose. It's enough to have kept it trundling along for 2 and a half years now. It feels like cheating, in more ways than one. I know it's a construct but I do enjoy it, and it is its own reality.
I've liked the half weeks with Jake. I have yet to grow tired of waking up next to him and basking in the luxury of being there with him without the need to go home. These past couple weeks have been pleasant. Two or three nights a week is just enough break from my routine. Instead of playing on the computer I cook new things and watch interesting movies while Jake keeps me company. I get to have entertaining early morning conversations about which superhero would make the best U.S. president, and who his running mate should be. I get to play console games, though I do that more when he's not around and I'm camped out at his place. He tends to watch me play and make 'helpful' remarks. While he is legitimately helpful and has improved my game with some of his suggestions, it makes me self conscious and depending on my mood detracts from my ability to enjoy playing. So long as he doesn't get frustrated with me I'm ok, and he's usually good about that. Still....
I keep job hunting. I'm still hoping to hear back from a good prospect, but if I don't I think I'll suspend my efforts for a little while. T has made a big issue of me traveling to a conference with him that is coming up shortly and while he would deal with it if I couldn't go, he would be petulant about it and I find it is easier for me to just make arrangements to tag along. Plus it gives me more time to capitalize on my fear of joining the rat race. It served as at least a temporary catalyst to get me to start writing more regularly. I've actually been turning out a page a day for a couple of weeks now with only a minor hiccup. I still have trouble with ending a story, but I'm learning more about developing one and I'm keeping notes. I was talking to an amateur writer friend of mine the other day and he confessed that he too has trouble creating endings. I find this reassuring.
Anyway, that's me for now. T will be around for the next week, but he leaves the week after for a full 5 nights I believe. Fortunately Jake won't be dog sitting this time. My heart goes out to that poor pooch who no one but his owner seems to really be fond of. He's a bull in a china shop. Still, it's nice to go to Jake's and not deal with so many allergens too. I'll have to think of some fun things to cook and entertaining stuff to watch. Perhaps we can go out to the local funky video store again this coming week and pick out more eclectic stuff now that Jake has a membership. That was fun, an interesting crowd goes there and it's not so far from where I work that dropping stuff off afterward is any kind of problem.
But enough for now.

Tired already

I'm a little discouraged that my lifestyle doesn't already yield the results I want. Not that I didn't see some of this coming. I know that as I get older I have to work harder for smaller results. I also know that my education has been for my own edification and not to any practical purpose. I did always think that my aversion to fast food and the usual lack of excess in my diet would buffer me from some of the problems I am instead encountering. I also though my intelligence, flexibility, stability, and general experience would allow me to at least obtain employment whereby I could support myself. So yes, reality is disappointing by contrast. On the other hand, it could be much worse. I don't have any bad eating habits to break and since I knew in theory I was going to have to work harder as time went on, I merely have to reconcile myself to a slightly more labor intensive pattern of behavior. I'm already in good physical condition and this gives me an excellent platform to work from. And I like my rowing machine, I think I can work with it. As far as employment goes, I could put more effort into that as well as continue to take into account the fact that the economy is in fact rather poor right now and there is a lot of competition for the types of generic positions I am qualified for. I can either bide my time, which I very fortunately have the luxury of doing, or I can develop more technical expertise in some area. In any case, I am confident I will be able to bring about some change in my circumstances before too terribly long, it's just harder than I wanted it to be.
I don't really have any perspective on how things are with Jake right now. I feel like we are more friends than anything else at present, but that still comes with benefits. And I still get jealous when he talks about time he spends with his other female friends, whether they are attached or not. I know from experience that poses no barrier for him and often for them. He commented on why he likes taken women. They are already either unavailable, or not content, and if they are not content and predisposed to him it eliminates the element of competition. They are in a relationship they aren't happy with but they aren't playing the field, so really, there is just him to focus on. There is a logic to that line of though that speaks directly to a more than usually intense dislike of rejection and a less than usually intense interest in forming relationships with other humans.
This life and these things, they are all just a distraction. I was thinking the other day how inconvenient it would be if my life came to an abrupt end just now and how many things I would like to take care of before that happened, knowing full well that once I'm dead I won't care about any of it and there will no longer be consequences for me. But I am alive and I cannot help but participate in my own existence. Bah. I have the most irritating ennui because I've contextualized my existence such that in the grand scheme of things nothing I do or fail to do actually matters. This reduces life's purpose to my own entertainment or distraction. But what will I get the most satisfaction out of? In theory I know what I want, but I'm not certain which of those things I want enough to go out and make them happen. At some point I would like to come to some conclusion. For now I could probably benefit from a better grasp on my own behavior. I should take a more analytical approach and see what I can learn.