On the Table

There's something about the prospect of actually writing that causes my brain to shy away in all sorts of directions. I caught myself staring and my muted version of People's Court just as soon as I opened this page. That doesn't bode well for any hypothetical future I may have as a writer of any ilk. I wonder if I'll ever accept that, or if somehow, someday, I will find a way around my aversion and charge full speed ahead into the creative industry. I want pretzels now, and I'm not hungry, my brain is just looking for an excuse not to write.
I have a few things I want to record too, and that's what this essentially is, an aimless record of the things I obsess over at various moments in the course of my life. It's just my way of making the most of my existence. I know I won't remember everything, and this helps, particularly when some of the things I'm focused on are more momentous than usual.
For instance, my brother and sister in law are having their first child here in the next few months. I have to assume that has something to do with the tenor of my own thoughts on the matter of reproduction. I don't think it was the only instigator, but the fact that I used it as an introduction to the idea says something about it's place my my thought hierarchy. I think mostly it's been Tim's persistent desire to have a child, and my own change of attitude as I come to grips with my atheism. My morbid obsession with my own mortality seems to have waned and I feel like I've become more emotional stable of late. I also feel like I'm moving into another stage of my life, albeit belatedly. My ideas about self indulgence no longer exclude the addition of a child to my life, in fact, they may include them. To be clearer, I dislike working my dead end administrative job, I don't hate it, I'd just like to not do it and still find a way to be productive. In light of the fact that I seem to not have pursued writing as a self gratifying career option, I'm beginning to consider raising a child as a good and appropriate long term project that I would find more rewarding than the activities I'm currently engaged in. Additionally I've gotten to the point in my affair with Jake that allows for me to not be too unhappy about the idea of possibly losing him as a sex partner. I say that now because he's kept me pretty damned satisfied in that regard despite T's continued failure to do so. Yeah, that's a consideration, I may be fine with the idea, but if T doesn't step it up again I may find myself growing really really restless in that regard, a situation that could become much more fraught with complication if he does unbend enough to at least procreate with me. To sum up, I'm not depressed anymore, I don't enjoy my job, I lack a sense of purpose, and I'm tired of maintaining a relationship with the boy toy. Sounds like a perfect situation to bring a child into right? Ok, but T really wants one, and I think I might enjoy the process of raising one.
I know no one is ever really prepared until you're actually doing it. I know this will change my life, and I will probably experience pangs of regret for my old life from time to time, but I think the pros will outweigh the cons. At least, I think they will if all goes well. There is the fact that having a child is such a total craps shoot in many regards and that I am approaching that age when the risks of things going wrong begin to increase, but it seems acceptable to me, kind of a hope for the best attitude I suppose. In any case, if nothing changes between now and spring, I think I'll at least be making the attempt. Autism risks aside, I'm not planning to do another summer pregnancy, that would just suck. Plus I think that way I can stockpile enough cash to finance a few things when I stop working.
Yeah, what the hell am I thinking. No more sleepovers with Jake when the spouse is out of town. No more random trips up to Busch Garden's with him. No more escaping whimsically on the weekends for unaccounted hours while I watch Jake play video games and talk about whatever comes up. And dear god I'll have to deal more with the MIL. Who even knows what my own mother will do if this comes to fruition. Of course by then she should be attached enough to the grandchild over there that maybe it will be a non issue. Anyway, I really have thought about all of these things obsessively, and I'll probably continue to do so, but as matters stand I think it's something I will wind up pursuing, and yes it will change my life.
Jake, you snide son of a bitch, I'll probably miss you and your passive aggressive ways. Ok, you've been getting on my nerves lately with your cute little blame game, your ease to take offense, and your brutal self justified remarks. You can be compassionate, clever, funny, thoughtful and genuinely nice...when it suits you, but sometimes I find you exhausting. In fairness, you probably think the same of me, I know I'm not always so easy to deal with. I can be tactless, and abrupt, I just am not so sure you realize that road goes both ways all the time, and I find that I'm less tolerant of your little blame game as time goes on. I'm not sure what that will eventually do to our "relationship", but I suspect we're going to find out.
Now, on with the holiday season. I will have a mass influx of family in the next few weeks and I'm finally going home for Christmas this year. I'll probably bludgeon my poor little brain into updating soon enough.