The Whole Thing

My horoscope today was amusingly appropriate "You've a tendency to agonize about the next step. If you get stuck, mention it to others. They'll give you ideas you won't agree with, and you'll realize the direction you want to go." That's me, I flip coins over decisions to give me a better idea of what I don't want to do. Not that I'm agonizing over anything just now. The only thing I'm working on is that damned short story that I've been ignoring all week long. I've been trying to treat it like a research paper with a due date, but my head is too smart for me.
It's been a mixed week. I made a list of things to do and I've been actually getting them done, an oddly organized thing for me to do, but I've slacked on my dietary restrictiveness and backslidden as a result. I have been continuing to work out but not with the level of regimentation I need to. I cannot let myself get accustomed to this and it needs to change sooner than later.
In other news, I miss Jake. I haven't seen him since Sunday and our schedules haven't matched up well. The one evening I could have gone jogging with him I was wiped out and had lawn mowing on my agenda so I decided to forgo. We had an odd conversation last night about other people's relationships. He has the usual collection of zany married friends who are varying stages of miserable a good deal of the time and we were speculating about why and what sorts of expectations go into maintaining a warped relationship. So it's easy enough to pick apart someone else if you know them well at all and see what sorts of underpinnings there might be to sponsor their behaviors, but it's harder to look at yourself. I asked him speculatively what he thought his quirks might be but either he doesn't see them, or is invested in not acknowledging them. Not a productive line of inquiry in any case. He's far too intelligent to be neurotic, but I do see him as excessively emotionally guarded, something I can't exactly call him out on as I could accuse myself of the same thing. I think I am bad for him, I love him, but I'm not healthy for him. He's not healthy for himself necessarily, he's just less likely to change if I'm helping to enable the status quo. Selfish of me, I want him but don't want to rely on him. He doesn't want to be relied on. Just more reminders of why he got along so well with J. Unbelievable that that still hurts like it does. It was my very closest and worst encounter with rejection. What a flimsy soul I am. Then, maybe not. I am not sure that more experience with rejection would have helped it feel any less awful.
T continues to be a bit stressed over work issues. He keeps taunting me with the prospect of travel plans which never materialize because he's so busy. This is my favorite time of year and I'd give a lot to be free to spend more of it with Jake, curled in his bed, around his incredibly warm body. It would make me happy to be free to pursue this with him openly but I would have had to have married another kind of man entirely in order to do so. No sense dreaming, or at least if I'm going to dream, I should do something productive with it.....like write!

Make Haste Slowly

Jake has decided to get back into running and I have been requisitioned for purposes of diversion while participating in onerous activity. I've finally worked myself back up to a steady 3 miles so extending to the 4 that he likes to run isn't outside my abilities. I need the extra calorie burn in either case. Even when eating moderately I can only manage to maintain my weight, losing extra pounds requires fun levels of extra effort, oh goody. At least it's a fantastic time of year to be outdoors working out. It's funny how nostalgic I get as this is the beginning of my third autumn hanging out with Jake. So far T isn't giving me much grief about running with him either, mostly due to the fact that he's absurdly busy I think.
Things aren't going well at the company and there is a very real chance it could be forced into bankruptcy. T's enthusiasm staves off most of the apprehension though. He has too many resources and too much motivation for something like that to cripple him. While circumstances may conspire against him I just don't have the energy to borrow trouble that doesn't seem indicated. I do hate waiting and only planning very short term. I dislike the uncertainty but knowing that my idea of discomfort is most people's experience of reality curtails my ability to dwell on it at length.
T went to the office early this morning and Jake had been hinting broadly that I ought to get away some morning and go over to his place, so I took the opportunity. It's something I fantasize about doing regularly, give the positive experiences I have of waking up next to him. He's ridiculously warm and pleasant smelling, and there are usually perks. So, I will smell like him all day today. It's distracting but in a nice way.

waning philosophical

I wonder sometimes if he likes me, or simply likes that I so obviously like him. I know it's not that simple, but I wonder how large a contributing factor it is. I think of myself as someone who has a fair measure of self confidence. I'm not especially insecure, I don't think I'm conceited either. I know that depending on my mood my self perception gets skewed in one direction or the other, but I think that my constant exposure to Jake has made me hyper-conscious of myself in regard to him. I am aware of my shortcomings and the ways in which I fail to divert or entertain those around me. I am able to be interesting if you are willing to be interested in me. I like science and science fiction. I like to think about the context the world provides and what the implications are even though philosophers have been wrestling with those concepts for literally thousands of years. I like to imagine things in a way more pleasing to me, and I like to make up stories. I can be clever sometimes if given a good forum, but I'm not really funny. I know how to be a good audience though. I'm not ugly, or fat, I am not skinny, and I am cute, or pretty. Is this enough? Why does this topic make me sad, I can feel the lump in my throat. I think I wish I had a better idea of how he felt about me. I don't know why. Or rather, I don't know what difference it would make or how exactly it's relevant. All the little things he does for me demonstrate that he's fond of me and cares about me but I will never know if he wants more or less of what we have and what that means. It has actually been two years now and this isn't ending or even really slowing down. It seems to be maintaining a constant pace with no sign of an end. How long can it be like this? T will probably have various business trips of varying length and frequency a few times a year that will give me little vacations, and the demands on my weekends will mostly continue to be light for the foreseeable future. It's odd to think of this as indefinitely sustainable. Why? I work under the assumption that Jake does want more and that eventually someone suitable will wander into his path, but his life is a fairly closed environment so it's anyone's guess how long it could take for that to happen. At the same time will it eventually wear on him that I can't go on vacation with him. We can't plan days at a time together. Not being inside his head, I just can't know. I think sometimes if our roles were reversed (which I doubt they ever would have been because he seems rather genuinely offended at the idea of straying himself) I would have wanted to go forward with the relationship or terminate it by now. Maybe I'm projecting and the fact that he hasn't expressed discontent makes me wonder if he wants me after all.
But I am safe where I am and I know that. It's just hard to remember because of how ridiculously happy I am with Jake. I spent all afternoon with him yesterday. I read a book while he played a game. We laid out in the backyard in his hammock for a while and dozed in and out. We went to the grocery store, forgot batteries, forgot to return a game, got food for lunch, went back to the store, forgot the game again, got food for dinner, I watched him drift off to sleep while watching Wrath of Kahn, and I loved it all because I enjoyed myself and am still besotted with the man. I slept well, woke up to more sex and will have a good and happy day knowing I get to see him again tonight. I will miss him when T gets home and resent being kept away from him. And yet....I stay where I am. Maybe someday I'll sort it all out.

yesterday

Yesterday I was supposed to give Jake a ride to work so he could collect his borrowed truck from a coworker who'd fixed it for him when it died. I got a text message saying that plan had been scrapped because the guy hadn't had a chance to work on it in the evening like he'd planned due to a fight with his wife, but then later in the morning I got another message last minute saying the truck was fixed after all and oh crap. Me not being one to pass up an opportunity to see Jake told him that I'd go ahead and drop him off and just be late to work. No big deal. I've been at this place for few years and while I do have my issues, reliability isn't one of them. I tried calling in to tell them but our archaic voicemail system was down. I was only about 20 minutes late in either case. It was funny though because when I went out to my car to leave I realized I'd left my garage door open all night and a hawk had flown in there and gotten trapped. It couldn't just be a normal neighborhood bird like a finch or a sparrow, no, it had to be a hawk with his shiny predatorial beak and daunting wing span. He was a stupid hawk too. Somehow the large 10x12 opening to my garage didn't register with him as a point of exit. So I locked the door to the house and left the garage open all day in hopes he'd leave on his own, which he did.
I managed to put off going jogging in favor of levelling my paladin and just generally playing around. I felt badly about that but managed to get a hold of T just because I was about to pry myself out the door and he opted to go jog with me. Made it a little more distracting but damn it was hot out. I need to go again today, absolutely need to, but it's like an oven out there and I will not want to.
Anyway, today has been far more ordinary than yesterday but something is afoot here at the office and no one will say what. Mostly they seem not to know, but the ones who obviously do know are playing it close to the vest. One worries about being shut down. In this economy it could happen to our backwater little station. I realize this is less of a problem for me than for most of the folks working here but it still makes me apprehensive. I shall keep my ear to the ground.

Hampster Wheel

The man is out of town again on a business trip. He left on a Sunday which means I had a partially indulgent weekend. The boy toy and I went out to see a movie, Dist. 9, which I though was fantastic. It was one of the more original films I've watched lately. We had a good time, which almost carried us through the lawn mower debacle that followed. He'd ordered a mower online through a local store, but when we went to pick it up it wasn't actually in stock. There followed a series of strings, hoops, and entertaining set backs. He was finally reduced to ordering one that wouldn't be in for several more days. Yay, return trip. But it was fun being the girlfriend. Associating myself with him gives me warm fuzzies. He's attractive, intelligent, and funny. So yeah, then we went back to his place, drank a little, watched Harold and Kumar, and made some bean dip, yum. I forgot my pillow so I didn't sleep all that well, but being awake there is nicer than being awake other places.
Yesterday was his birthday and he took part of a day off. I ran some errands to pick up a few things for him like cake and a type of liquor he likes, before going over there. Also got my paladin to level 60. Now to decide if I should do the mount quest or just buy the riding skill. I'm leaning toward the latter. Anyway, I went over to his place again and spent the afternoon there. We went to catch Harry Potter in the evening and he took me to one of his favorite restaurants afterward. On the whole I would have to say it was an entirely pleasant birthday celebration. Also the morning sex has been nice. Birthday sex should be a right.
Now of course I've put on a couple pounds from all the eating and procrastinating on exercise so today has been set aside for yardwork and jogging as well as potential spinach salads. The man is coming home tomorrow so this will be my last evening with boy toy. He has dinner with a family member this evening and I don't know how long that will keep him. I'm thinking of renting a movie for when he gets back, but it doesn't matter particularly. Entertainment continues to be very easy with him. I still very much enjoy his company.
I still don't quite know what he thinks of us, or if he thinks about it. Sometimes he starts to say things and doesn't finish, but I can't make myself pursue it much. I don't really need to know things people don't really want to share and I"m content to leave be as a rule. I hope he doesn't think I dont notice though. I hope he's not unhappy. I just don't know where he will wind up and I wonder if I am a legitimate problem and what sort of ramifications my continued participation in his life will have. Yeah, time will tell.

Stagnation

Oddly I haven't bothered writing anything since my last stay with Jake. It's been a couple of weeks now. Really it was a pretty uneventful visit. I noticed that there were at least two occasions where he went out with friends from work rather than coming straight home to hang out with me. I got lonely, that surprised me. One of the times he was only home a couple of hours later than usual, but the other time he was out rather late. At some point, I think around 8 that night, I went over to his place anyway as I'd gotten terribly bored at home, it was too quiet, I knew his laptop was at his house with a graphic novel on it that I've been reading, and I was afraid that if he were out too late I wouldn't have been able to summon the motivation to go over there. I was mildly resentful of his lateness as I could have raided with my guild that night. It was entertaining because initially he didn't want me coming out with him, citing some awkwardness over my relationship status, but later, after I'd taken the Tylenol PM and settled in, he was trying to get me to come out and rescue him. If only I'd known sooner. I will have to make a mental note of that behavior as I do like opportunities to hang out with some of his work friends. They're a fun bunch and I rue my censure a bit. In any case, it was a typically fun week on the whole. We got his hammock set up, and as per usual, I enjoyed his company far more than was healthy for me.
It's been pretty damned close to two years I've been with this guy now and still when I feel his interest in me waning my sanity slides off balance with radical speed. He didn't call or text much at all yesterday evening and I was so grouchy I picked a fight with T over whether we were going to attend an upcoming wedding in CA. It was ridiculous. I can't help but think he's losing interest and the thing that keeps this going is his lack of interest in pursuing other avenues. We get along fine but we can both feel this isn't going anywhere and I'm not sure he wants it to anyway. I suspect it's rather unhealthy sometimes when I feel just how much of a hold he has on me and know I can't be open about it, but I'm far too selfish and smitten to let go of him unless someone pries me loose. I will stay with him for as long as he is willing to have me around under these conditions. On some levels that's fine, he and I would be good friends, on other levels it's not fine at all. If I were a slightly different, slightly more worthwhile person, I would want to be with him
Sorry about the overt denigration. I feel a bit conflicted about myself today, lately, sporadically. I feel like I'm going nowhere slowly. I don't feel any real internal compulsion to 'make something of myself' but I understand there exists a certain expectation that I do so. Additionally we are a little strapped for cash just now and that situation would be made far easier if I were pulling in a bit more, at least something approaching my 'fair share'. It also depresses me that I've had an opportunity forced on me, and I'm not taking it. I am in the perfect situation to pursue writing and the only reason I haven't done it is me. I lack a certain attention to detail. It persists.
On the plus side, I've been fighting diligently against entropy this week. I've been running with some regularity and goals. I have been doing a little creative writing. And I still have a roof over my head as well as a spouse who loves me dearly. My life is good, I'm just not in a good position to appreciate that. Sometimes it's tempting to just get medicated.

5 weeks

So it's been a full month since I had surgery. I have an appointment today with the doctor and I'm sincerely hoping to get more than 2.5 seconds of his time. You know, in the absence of microchip augmented memory, I might want to consider making more lists considering I do think of questions to ask my designated medical professional but he always seems in such a rush that my innate desire to avoid causing inconvenience effectively squelches them all. Thank god for Google, though I could wish more actual people would write about the experience. If I had a bit more fortitude I'd undertake the task myself. I wish I had, chalk that one up to another trivial regret. In any case, I'm over this navel infection. I'm pretty sure it's still so vulnerable because the remaining stitches have stubbornly refused to dissolve leaving me an easy target. Is it so much to as to have a somewhat normal looking belly button? I can live with the scar but this is insult to injury.
In other news T is increasingly grouchy about his impending sales trip out west. He screwed up his schedule such that he probably won't be visiting my mother like he'd initially intended. He's so terribly organized on his own turf that it amazes me when I see him in travel mode. He has no idea what he is doing from day to day. I suspect it has something to do with his fanatical dislike of business travel. He's already threatened to scrap the whole trip, a threat that makes me instantly cranky because fond as I am of the man I'm really looking forward to being left to my own devices for a blissful week. Even if Jake weren't in the cards, self indulgence is the watchword when he's away. Obviously it would be wildly inappropriate to share these feelings with T though I'm certain I've hinted at it broadly, hopefully in a non insulting way. I wonder if my emotional reserves are so very low, abnormally so, such that I enjoy having only myself to worry about more than I ought to. Where did I get it from? Environment? Genetics? Both? Probably both.
Speaking of, I still haven't gotten a job though I've continued applying. The fiasco with the staffing agencies was discouraging. I don't understand why they can't make allowances for those who are employed part time and want to give notice. Surely not all their clients need immediate fill ins for the positions available and one would think that it bodes well if the person comes to you already demonstrably employable. Grrr.....I shall keep applying. I shared my frustrations with T and he has been reassuring with the lack of urgency, but I feel guilty. Not guilty enough to attempt to start writing with a mind to making money off it apparently, but but guilty enough to feel faintly virtuous for feeling guilty over something that I patently ought to feel a little bad about. Did that make sense?
And Jake isn't talking to me today, not sure why. It could be a deliberate, well, it's probably somewhat deliberate, more to the point he could be upset with me, or it could just be a passive aggressive neglect. I'm sure I'll find out later one way or another. I have noticed that his absence has made me cranky, moody, more easily upset than usual, all the normal stuff I've come to expect. The prospect of having a conventional relationship with Jake is speculatively a little frightening for me. I am so emotionally entangled with him and he's more volatile than I am comfortable with. I would need him to be happier with me than I think he would be as I am verifiably a difficult person to deal with on many levels. I just don't know but that's what's running through my brain just at present.