waning philosophical

I wonder sometimes if he likes me, or simply likes that I so obviously like him. I know it's not that simple, but I wonder how large a contributing factor it is. I think of myself as someone who has a fair measure of self confidence. I'm not especially insecure, I don't think I'm conceited either. I know that depending on my mood my self perception gets skewed in one direction or the other, but I think that my constant exposure to Jake has made me hyper-conscious of myself in regard to him. I am aware of my shortcomings and the ways in which I fail to divert or entertain those around me. I am able to be interesting if you are willing to be interested in me. I like science and science fiction. I like to think about the context the world provides and what the implications are even though philosophers have been wrestling with those concepts for literally thousands of years. I like to imagine things in a way more pleasing to me, and I like to make up stories. I can be clever sometimes if given a good forum, but I'm not really funny. I know how to be a good audience though. I'm not ugly, or fat, I am not skinny, and I am cute, or pretty. Is this enough? Why does this topic make me sad, I can feel the lump in my throat. I think I wish I had a better idea of how he felt about me. I don't know why. Or rather, I don't know what difference it would make or how exactly it's relevant. All the little things he does for me demonstrate that he's fond of me and cares about me but I will never know if he wants more or less of what we have and what that means. It has actually been two years now and this isn't ending or even really slowing down. It seems to be maintaining a constant pace with no sign of an end. How long can it be like this? T will probably have various business trips of varying length and frequency a few times a year that will give me little vacations, and the demands on my weekends will mostly continue to be light for the foreseeable future. It's odd to think of this as indefinitely sustainable. Why? I work under the assumption that Jake does want more and that eventually someone suitable will wander into his path, but his life is a fairly closed environment so it's anyone's guess how long it could take for that to happen. At the same time will it eventually wear on him that I can't go on vacation with him. We can't plan days at a time together. Not being inside his head, I just can't know. I think sometimes if our roles were reversed (which I doubt they ever would have been because he seems rather genuinely offended at the idea of straying himself) I would have wanted to go forward with the relationship or terminate it by now. Maybe I'm projecting and the fact that he hasn't expressed discontent makes me wonder if he wants me after all.
But I am safe where I am and I know that. It's just hard to remember because of how ridiculously happy I am with Jake. I spent all afternoon with him yesterday. I read a book while he played a game. We laid out in the backyard in his hammock for a while and dozed in and out. We went to the grocery store, forgot batteries, forgot to return a game, got food for lunch, went back to the store, forgot the game again, got food for dinner, I watched him drift off to sleep while watching Wrath of Kahn, and I loved it all because I enjoyed myself and am still besotted with the man. I slept well, woke up to more sex and will have a good and happy day knowing I get to see him again tonight. I will miss him when T gets home and resent being kept away from him. And yet....I stay where I am. Maybe someday I'll sort it all out.