Sum up

I'd started jogging with Jake again but it didn't last long. It's just too dark this time of year to go trekking out to the park at night. The last time we planned to we got rained out. I told T I was going to meet up with Jake and try to talk him out of going, then T ran into Jake and I at the grocery store where we'd gone to pick up some stuff for brownies for his office. T was acting oddly for the next few days and when I would ask what was wrong, he'd claim it was nothing. You can only bother a person so much before you actually create a problem so I left it alone. About a week later he confessed that it bugged him to see me at the store with Jake and then he gave me twenty questions about whose car we had taken, why I hadn't just called him to cancel, etc. T knows that Jake and I are friends and I know that it bothers him so I don't rub his nose in it, but when he goes after me over trivial shit I find it irritating. It would be one thing if he were privvy to the true nature of the relationship, but as he is not I find his reactions excessively needy and paranoid. Yes, I know, no one would take my side on that one but that's only because you all know there is more going on and I can't ask an audience to ignore that information. Bleh, I shall take my lumps.
Anyway, T had made plans to go out of town for a few days last week, and then he cancelled the trip the day before he was supposed to leave. I was annoyed. My temperament still doesn't handle changes of plans very well. He at least did reschedule and he's supposed to leave again tomorrow for a couple of days. He may or may not travel next week, and he's supposed to 'definitely' be travelling for a full week the week after that. I'm looking forward to the break. I am perfectly content having him around and my life is downright cozy. We get along well and I enjoy our routine, but I like having the variety sometimes, living the stupid fantasy for a while, and getting the hell away from my World of Warcraft habit. I can maybe watch some new movies, get some more reading done, and track down other entertainments. Plus Jake and I have tentative plans to watch the upcoming meteor shower. That should be fun if I can drag my butt out of bed at the appropriate and ungodly hour.
Halloween was on a Saturday this year. I prepared accordingly, but my entire cul de sac banded together and inadvertently thwarted me. They had a group set up complete with brazier in the middle of the street, effectively siphoning off my constituency. I have a lot of left over candy. We went out and joined them for a bit after I browbeat T into it. He claims to want to socialize more, but getting him to actually do it can be like pulling teeth....impacted wisdom teeth....growing sideways. Still, I think we both had a nice time once we got out there. I've gotten to know the folks next door a bit better, and I borrowed Big Bang Theory from them. Their eldest son has Asperger's so they're fans of the show. Now I need to finish watching it.
Things seem to be going well with Jake. It's an absurdly comfortable relationship. It was odd though, the other weekend he was mysteriously unavailable on Saturday, said he was working. I wound up going out to lunch with T and I swung by Jake's place on the way back. I hadn't seen his car at the office and I was curious to see if he was home, plus I was going to pick up my copy of Firefly, at least ostensibly. But that plan was foiled as both his cars were there plus an extra in the driveway. The other car looked a lot like the one he describes as belonging to the office manager where he works. I texted him to let him know I'd driven by, and why I'd done so in the interest of transparency, I needed him to know that I knew for some reason and that I had no intention of pursuing it. He did not elaborate on the situation and other than making humorous leading remarks to see my reaction, he has left the entire subject alone. The funniest part of the entire situation for me was my reaction to seeing that car there. It was almost exactly like my response to finding out he had slept with J. But while my body went into overdrive, my brain didn't spiral into gibbering incoherence and as far as I can tell, I'm fine. I don't know how fine, but I seem to have managed to blow it off, whatever it was.....or is.
And while there is a lot more commentary I could throw in here, I think this is enough for now.

The Whole Thing

My horoscope today was amusingly appropriate "You've a tendency to agonize about the next step. If you get stuck, mention it to others. They'll give you ideas you won't agree with, and you'll realize the direction you want to go." That's me, I flip coins over decisions to give me a better idea of what I don't want to do. Not that I'm agonizing over anything just now. The only thing I'm working on is that damned short story that I've been ignoring all week long. I've been trying to treat it like a research paper with a due date, but my head is too smart for me.
It's been a mixed week. I made a list of things to do and I've been actually getting them done, an oddly organized thing for me to do, but I've slacked on my dietary restrictiveness and backslidden as a result. I have been continuing to work out but not with the level of regimentation I need to. I cannot let myself get accustomed to this and it needs to change sooner than later.
In other news, I miss Jake. I haven't seen him since Sunday and our schedules haven't matched up well. The one evening I could have gone jogging with him I was wiped out and had lawn mowing on my agenda so I decided to forgo. We had an odd conversation last night about other people's relationships. He has the usual collection of zany married friends who are varying stages of miserable a good deal of the time and we were speculating about why and what sorts of expectations go into maintaining a warped relationship. So it's easy enough to pick apart someone else if you know them well at all and see what sorts of underpinnings there might be to sponsor their behaviors, but it's harder to look at yourself. I asked him speculatively what he thought his quirks might be but either he doesn't see them, or is invested in not acknowledging them. Not a productive line of inquiry in any case. He's far too intelligent to be neurotic, but I do see him as excessively emotionally guarded, something I can't exactly call him out on as I could accuse myself of the same thing. I think I am bad for him, I love him, but I'm not healthy for him. He's not healthy for himself necessarily, he's just less likely to change if I'm helping to enable the status quo. Selfish of me, I want him but don't want to rely on him. He doesn't want to be relied on. Just more reminders of why he got along so well with J. Unbelievable that that still hurts like it does. It was my very closest and worst encounter with rejection. What a flimsy soul I am. Then, maybe not. I am not sure that more experience with rejection would have helped it feel any less awful.
T continues to be a bit stressed over work issues. He keeps taunting me with the prospect of travel plans which never materialize because he's so busy. This is my favorite time of year and I'd give a lot to be free to spend more of it with Jake, curled in his bed, around his incredibly warm body. It would make me happy to be free to pursue this with him openly but I would have had to have married another kind of man entirely in order to do so. No sense dreaming, or at least if I'm going to dream, I should do something productive with it.....like write!