5 weeks

So it's been a full month since I had surgery. I have an appointment today with the doctor and I'm sincerely hoping to get more than 2.5 seconds of his time. You know, in the absence of microchip augmented memory, I might want to consider making more lists considering I do think of questions to ask my designated medical professional but he always seems in such a rush that my innate desire to avoid causing inconvenience effectively squelches them all. Thank god for Google, though I could wish more actual people would write about the experience. If I had a bit more fortitude I'd undertake the task myself. I wish I had, chalk that one up to another trivial regret. In any case, I'm over this navel infection. I'm pretty sure it's still so vulnerable because the remaining stitches have stubbornly refused to dissolve leaving me an easy target. Is it so much to as to have a somewhat normal looking belly button? I can live with the scar but this is insult to injury.
In other news T is increasingly grouchy about his impending sales trip out west. He screwed up his schedule such that he probably won't be visiting my mother like he'd initially intended. He's so terribly organized on his own turf that it amazes me when I see him in travel mode. He has no idea what he is doing from day to day. I suspect it has something to do with his fanatical dislike of business travel. He's already threatened to scrap the whole trip, a threat that makes me instantly cranky because fond as I am of the man I'm really looking forward to being left to my own devices for a blissful week. Even if Jake weren't in the cards, self indulgence is the watchword when he's away. Obviously it would be wildly inappropriate to share these feelings with T though I'm certain I've hinted at it broadly, hopefully in a non insulting way. I wonder if my emotional reserves are so very low, abnormally so, such that I enjoy having only myself to worry about more than I ought to. Where did I get it from? Environment? Genetics? Both? Probably both.
Speaking of, I still haven't gotten a job though I've continued applying. The fiasco with the staffing agencies was discouraging. I don't understand why they can't make allowances for those who are employed part time and want to give notice. Surely not all their clients need immediate fill ins for the positions available and one would think that it bodes well if the person comes to you already demonstrably employable. Grrr.....I shall keep applying. I shared my frustrations with T and he has been reassuring with the lack of urgency, but I feel guilty. Not guilty enough to attempt to start writing with a mind to making money off it apparently, but but guilty enough to feel faintly virtuous for feeling guilty over something that I patently ought to feel a little bad about. Did that make sense?
And Jake isn't talking to me today, not sure why. It could be a deliberate, well, it's probably somewhat deliberate, more to the point he could be upset with me, or it could just be a passive aggressive neglect. I'm sure I'll find out later one way or another. I have noticed that his absence has made me cranky, moody, more easily upset than usual, all the normal stuff I've come to expect. The prospect of having a conventional relationship with Jake is speculatively a little frightening for me. I am so emotionally entangled with him and he's more volatile than I am comfortable with. I would need him to be happier with me than I think he would be as I am verifiably a difficult person to deal with on many levels. I just don't know but that's what's running through my brain just at present.