5 weeks

So it's been a full month since I had surgery. I have an appointment today with the doctor and I'm sincerely hoping to get more than 2.5 seconds of his time. You know, in the absence of microchip augmented memory, I might want to consider making more lists considering I do think of questions to ask my designated medical professional but he always seems in such a rush that my innate desire to avoid causing inconvenience effectively squelches them all. Thank god for Google, though I could wish more actual people would write about the experience. If I had a bit more fortitude I'd undertake the task myself. I wish I had, chalk that one up to another trivial regret. In any case, I'm over this navel infection. I'm pretty sure it's still so vulnerable because the remaining stitches have stubbornly refused to dissolve leaving me an easy target. Is it so much to as to have a somewhat normal looking belly button? I can live with the scar but this is insult to injury.
In other news T is increasingly grouchy about his impending sales trip out west. He screwed up his schedule such that he probably won't be visiting my mother like he'd initially intended. He's so terribly organized on his own turf that it amazes me when I see him in travel mode. He has no idea what he is doing from day to day. I suspect it has something to do with his fanatical dislike of business travel. He's already threatened to scrap the whole trip, a threat that makes me instantly cranky because fond as I am of the man I'm really looking forward to being left to my own devices for a blissful week. Even if Jake weren't in the cards, self indulgence is the watchword when he's away. Obviously it would be wildly inappropriate to share these feelings with T though I'm certain I've hinted at it broadly, hopefully in a non insulting way. I wonder if my emotional reserves are so very low, abnormally so, such that I enjoy having only myself to worry about more than I ought to. Where did I get it from? Environment? Genetics? Both? Probably both.
Speaking of, I still haven't gotten a job though I've continued applying. The fiasco with the staffing agencies was discouraging. I don't understand why they can't make allowances for those who are employed part time and want to give notice. Surely not all their clients need immediate fill ins for the positions available and one would think that it bodes well if the person comes to you already demonstrably employable. Grrr.....I shall keep applying. I shared my frustrations with T and he has been reassuring with the lack of urgency, but I feel guilty. Not guilty enough to attempt to start writing with a mind to making money off it apparently, but but guilty enough to feel faintly virtuous for feeling guilty over something that I patently ought to feel a little bad about. Did that make sense?
And Jake isn't talking to me today, not sure why. It could be a deliberate, well, it's probably somewhat deliberate, more to the point he could be upset with me, or it could just be a passive aggressive neglect. I'm sure I'll find out later one way or another. I have noticed that his absence has made me cranky, moody, more easily upset than usual, all the normal stuff I've come to expect. The prospect of having a conventional relationship with Jake is speculatively a little frightening for me. I am so emotionally entangled with him and he's more volatile than I am comfortable with. I would need him to be happier with me than I think he would be as I am verifiably a difficult person to deal with on many levels. I just don't know but that's what's running through my brain just at present.

well founded

I was looking at my shaman's gear yesterday and thinking how desperately I need to upgrade the legguards. I really considered staying home and raiding Ulduar with the guild, but I'd made plans for dinner with Jake as T had a business function to attend until fairly late. In the balance of things, I'd far rather spend time with Jake. So I went over there and we spent a very pleasant evening. I made red beans and rice, we drank a little, and watched Samurai Jack, which is very entertaining. I was pretty sleepy but the evening was mellow in either case. He got playing one of the games on his XBox so I went upstairs to lie down for a bit, but he opted to follow me which led to things of course. Attraction is so crucial. I could have taken or left the hookup, but I enjoyed it because it was with him.
I was feeling more than usually self conscious as post surgery my belly button has a little bit of an infection. I've covered it with a bandage which looks weird to me. Oh well, at least the swelling over my hips seems to be abating. I would prefer not to wind up with post abdominoplasty dog ears. I hear they are easy enough to correct but I'd rather skip the whole process. I'm highly motivated to look and feel as normal as possible as quickly as possible. I feel like I've been behaving pretty well over the course of the recuperative process. I'm near 5 weeks now and itching to start exercising again. I think I will get back into the aerobic sooner than later but I will let any weight lifting go for a little longer, at least another week.
I checked my guild website this morning as per usual and we got another boss down on Uld 25 which was nice. I found myself vaguely wishing I'd been there, but then I remembered I was having sex with a really hot guy, and in the grand scheme of things I will value that memory a hell of a lot more. I enjoy my virtual world quite thoroughly, but i know it doesn't have the staying power and emotional relevance of real world experiences.
Jake brought up J last night, freely and of his own volition. I went on about that a little too long and feel somewhat badly, but he didn't seem to react negatively which I found somewhat reassuring. In either case I sincerely doubt she'll come up often and it did give me an opportunity to mention she wouldn't be going back to work at the local book store.
Speaking of work, I was talking to a local staffing agency yesterday and was disappointed to learn the don't take on people who are currently employed. I don't feel like leaping without a net just yet, and T doesn't seem to think there is a huge sense of urgency so I will bide my time. I found a job listing I'm interested in as well with another local communications station and it's nice to think I might have a better in with them give my experience in the field. We shall see, but I am hopeful.
T leaves for the west coast on Sunday so I will be spending the week with Jake. Need to let my raid leader know I'll be out next week. Will be nice to have some time off from my extremely lackadaisical raid schedule. Doubtless I will write more soon.