Stagnation

Oddly I haven't bothered writing anything since my last stay with Jake. It's been a couple of weeks now. Really it was a pretty uneventful visit. I noticed that there were at least two occasions where he went out with friends from work rather than coming straight home to hang out with me. I got lonely, that surprised me. One of the times he was only home a couple of hours later than usual, but the other time he was out rather late. At some point, I think around 8 that night, I went over to his place anyway as I'd gotten terribly bored at home, it was too quiet, I knew his laptop was at his house with a graphic novel on it that I've been reading, and I was afraid that if he were out too late I wouldn't have been able to summon the motivation to go over there. I was mildly resentful of his lateness as I could have raided with my guild that night. It was entertaining because initially he didn't want me coming out with him, citing some awkwardness over my relationship status, but later, after I'd taken the Tylenol PM and settled in, he was trying to get me to come out and rescue him. If only I'd known sooner. I will have to make a mental note of that behavior as I do like opportunities to hang out with some of his work friends. They're a fun bunch and I rue my censure a bit. In any case, it was a typically fun week on the whole. We got his hammock set up, and as per usual, I enjoyed his company far more than was healthy for me.
It's been pretty damned close to two years I've been with this guy now and still when I feel his interest in me waning my sanity slides off balance with radical speed. He didn't call or text much at all yesterday evening and I was so grouchy I picked a fight with T over whether we were going to attend an upcoming wedding in CA. It was ridiculous. I can't help but think he's losing interest and the thing that keeps this going is his lack of interest in pursuing other avenues. We get along fine but we can both feel this isn't going anywhere and I'm not sure he wants it to anyway. I suspect it's rather unhealthy sometimes when I feel just how much of a hold he has on me and know I can't be open about it, but I'm far too selfish and smitten to let go of him unless someone pries me loose. I will stay with him for as long as he is willing to have me around under these conditions. On some levels that's fine, he and I would be good friends, on other levels it's not fine at all. If I were a slightly different, slightly more worthwhile person, I would want to be with him
Sorry about the overt denigration. I feel a bit conflicted about myself today, lately, sporadically. I feel like I'm going nowhere slowly. I don't feel any real internal compulsion to 'make something of myself' but I understand there exists a certain expectation that I do so. Additionally we are a little strapped for cash just now and that situation would be made far easier if I were pulling in a bit more, at least something approaching my 'fair share'. It also depresses me that I've had an opportunity forced on me, and I'm not taking it. I am in the perfect situation to pursue writing and the only reason I haven't done it is me. I lack a certain attention to detail. It persists.
On the plus side, I've been fighting diligently against entropy this week. I've been running with some regularity and goals. I have been doing a little creative writing. And I still have a roof over my head as well as a spouse who loves me dearly. My life is good, I'm just not in a good position to appreciate that. Sometimes it's tempting to just get medicated.