Stagnation

Oddly I haven't bothered writing anything since my last stay with Jake. It's been a couple of weeks now. Really it was a pretty uneventful visit. I noticed that there were at least two occasions where he went out with friends from work rather than coming straight home to hang out with me. I got lonely, that surprised me. One of the times he was only home a couple of hours later than usual, but the other time he was out rather late. At some point, I think around 8 that night, I went over to his place anyway as I'd gotten terribly bored at home, it was too quiet, I knew his laptop was at his house with a graphic novel on it that I've been reading, and I was afraid that if he were out too late I wouldn't have been able to summon the motivation to go over there. I was mildly resentful of his lateness as I could have raided with my guild that night. It was entertaining because initially he didn't want me coming out with him, citing some awkwardness over my relationship status, but later, after I'd taken the Tylenol PM and settled in, he was trying to get me to come out and rescue him. If only I'd known sooner. I will have to make a mental note of that behavior as I do like opportunities to hang out with some of his work friends. They're a fun bunch and I rue my censure a bit. In any case, it was a typically fun week on the whole. We got his hammock set up, and as per usual, I enjoyed his company far more than was healthy for me.
It's been pretty damned close to two years I've been with this guy now and still when I feel his interest in me waning my sanity slides off balance with radical speed. He didn't call or text much at all yesterday evening and I was so grouchy I picked a fight with T over whether we were going to attend an upcoming wedding in CA. It was ridiculous. I can't help but think he's losing interest and the thing that keeps this going is his lack of interest in pursuing other avenues. We get along fine but we can both feel this isn't going anywhere and I'm not sure he wants it to anyway. I suspect it's rather unhealthy sometimes when I feel just how much of a hold he has on me and know I can't be open about it, but I'm far too selfish and smitten to let go of him unless someone pries me loose. I will stay with him for as long as he is willing to have me around under these conditions. On some levels that's fine, he and I would be good friends, on other levels it's not fine at all. If I were a slightly different, slightly more worthwhile person, I would want to be with him
Sorry about the overt denigration. I feel a bit conflicted about myself today, lately, sporadically. I feel like I'm going nowhere slowly. I don't feel any real internal compulsion to 'make something of myself' but I understand there exists a certain expectation that I do so. Additionally we are a little strapped for cash just now and that situation would be made far easier if I were pulling in a bit more, at least something approaching my 'fair share'. It also depresses me that I've had an opportunity forced on me, and I'm not taking it. I am in the perfect situation to pursue writing and the only reason I haven't done it is me. I lack a certain attention to detail. It persists.
On the plus side, I've been fighting diligently against entropy this week. I've been running with some regularity and goals. I have been doing a little creative writing. And I still have a roof over my head as well as a spouse who loves me dearly. My life is good, I'm just not in a good position to appreciate that. Sometimes it's tempting to just get medicated.

5 weeks

So it's been a full month since I had surgery. I have an appointment today with the doctor and I'm sincerely hoping to get more than 2.5 seconds of his time. You know, in the absence of microchip augmented memory, I might want to consider making more lists considering I do think of questions to ask my designated medical professional but he always seems in such a rush that my innate desire to avoid causing inconvenience effectively squelches them all. Thank god for Google, though I could wish more actual people would write about the experience. If I had a bit more fortitude I'd undertake the task myself. I wish I had, chalk that one up to another trivial regret. In any case, I'm over this navel infection. I'm pretty sure it's still so vulnerable because the remaining stitches have stubbornly refused to dissolve leaving me an easy target. Is it so much to as to have a somewhat normal looking belly button? I can live with the scar but this is insult to injury.
In other news T is increasingly grouchy about his impending sales trip out west. He screwed up his schedule such that he probably won't be visiting my mother like he'd initially intended. He's so terribly organized on his own turf that it amazes me when I see him in travel mode. He has no idea what he is doing from day to day. I suspect it has something to do with his fanatical dislike of business travel. He's already threatened to scrap the whole trip, a threat that makes me instantly cranky because fond as I am of the man I'm really looking forward to being left to my own devices for a blissful week. Even if Jake weren't in the cards, self indulgence is the watchword when he's away. Obviously it would be wildly inappropriate to share these feelings with T though I'm certain I've hinted at it broadly, hopefully in a non insulting way. I wonder if my emotional reserves are so very low, abnormally so, such that I enjoy having only myself to worry about more than I ought to. Where did I get it from? Environment? Genetics? Both? Probably both.
Speaking of, I still haven't gotten a job though I've continued applying. The fiasco with the staffing agencies was discouraging. I don't understand why they can't make allowances for those who are employed part time and want to give notice. Surely not all their clients need immediate fill ins for the positions available and one would think that it bodes well if the person comes to you already demonstrably employable. Grrr.....I shall keep applying. I shared my frustrations with T and he has been reassuring with the lack of urgency, but I feel guilty. Not guilty enough to attempt to start writing with a mind to making money off it apparently, but but guilty enough to feel faintly virtuous for feeling guilty over something that I patently ought to feel a little bad about. Did that make sense?
And Jake isn't talking to me today, not sure why. It could be a deliberate, well, it's probably somewhat deliberate, more to the point he could be upset with me, or it could just be a passive aggressive neglect. I'm sure I'll find out later one way or another. I have noticed that his absence has made me cranky, moody, more easily upset than usual, all the normal stuff I've come to expect. The prospect of having a conventional relationship with Jake is speculatively a little frightening for me. I am so emotionally entangled with him and he's more volatile than I am comfortable with. I would need him to be happier with me than I think he would be as I am verifiably a difficult person to deal with on many levels. I just don't know but that's what's running through my brain just at present.

well founded

I was looking at my shaman's gear yesterday and thinking how desperately I need to upgrade the legguards. I really considered staying home and raiding Ulduar with the guild, but I'd made plans for dinner with Jake as T had a business function to attend until fairly late. In the balance of things, I'd far rather spend time with Jake. So I went over there and we spent a very pleasant evening. I made red beans and rice, we drank a little, and watched Samurai Jack, which is very entertaining. I was pretty sleepy but the evening was mellow in either case. He got playing one of the games on his XBox so I went upstairs to lie down for a bit, but he opted to follow me which led to things of course. Attraction is so crucial. I could have taken or left the hookup, but I enjoyed it because it was with him.
I was feeling more than usually self conscious as post surgery my belly button has a little bit of an infection. I've covered it with a bandage which looks weird to me. Oh well, at least the swelling over my hips seems to be abating. I would prefer not to wind up with post abdominoplasty dog ears. I hear they are easy enough to correct but I'd rather skip the whole process. I'm highly motivated to look and feel as normal as possible as quickly as possible. I feel like I've been behaving pretty well over the course of the recuperative process. I'm near 5 weeks now and itching to start exercising again. I think I will get back into the aerobic sooner than later but I will let any weight lifting go for a little longer, at least another week.
I checked my guild website this morning as per usual and we got another boss down on Uld 25 which was nice. I found myself vaguely wishing I'd been there, but then I remembered I was having sex with a really hot guy, and in the grand scheme of things I will value that memory a hell of a lot more. I enjoy my virtual world quite thoroughly, but i know it doesn't have the staying power and emotional relevance of real world experiences.
Jake brought up J last night, freely and of his own volition. I went on about that a little too long and feel somewhat badly, but he didn't seem to react negatively which I found somewhat reassuring. In either case I sincerely doubt she'll come up often and it did give me an opportunity to mention she wouldn't be going back to work at the local book store.
Speaking of work, I was talking to a local staffing agency yesterday and was disappointed to learn the don't take on people who are currently employed. I don't feel like leaping without a net just yet, and T doesn't seem to think there is a huge sense of urgency so I will bide my time. I found a job listing I'm interested in as well with another local communications station and it's nice to think I might have a better in with them give my experience in the field. We shall see, but I am hopeful.
T leaves for the west coast on Sunday so I will be spending the week with Jake. Need to let my raid leader know I'll be out next week. Will be nice to have some time off from my extremely lackadaisical raid schedule. Doubtless I will write more soon.

I don't like this

I know that I don't see myself very clearly. I know I can be a bit wrapped up in myself and I know I'm inclined to think my opinions are more valid than the opinions of others. I try to not be too attached to the things I believe because abstractly I do understand that reality is perception and anchoring opinions in some kind of fictional bedrock is foolhardy. That being said, I have trouble contending with people who I perceive as irrationally oversensitive. It is as though they attach their identity to their conceptions and if they perceive a slight to one, they take it personally. Arguing with someone else's emotional response is a waste of time. All you can really do is try to construct a sincere and non partisan apology and hope the relationship is important enough to salvage. Jake objects to me remarking on the relatively low alcohol content of Guinness. Low alcohol content is disparaging, ok, I will stop mentioning it. I did not look at it that way but I understand this is a small issue in the grand scheme and your feelings are more important than my opinions. But yeah, I kinda judge you for the way you took it. I think you're beeing illogical and needlessly oversensitive. It bothers me. I don't like to feel like I have to walk on eggshells because your feelings are important to me and I hate feeling like I'm constantly running the risk of losing you over something that seems absurd in retrospect. On the flip side, I'm not noted for my sensitivity and I could stand to be more considerate of others. You are worth it to me and so if nothing else, this is good practice.
I had a nice 4th of July weekend. I spent almost all day Friday with Jake, and a good portion of the afternoon on Saturday. I've started reading Invincible, which he has on his laptop. It's a very good little graphic novel and I'm enjoying it. Such a fun genre. When we were at Border's on Friday I read Joss Whedon's "Fray" and that was also thoroughly enjoyable. I still love hanging out with that man. I like the conversation and the usual choices of activities. T is great for stability, discussions about work and world politics, but Jake feeds my imagination and I more closely identify with his philosophy than I do with T's. Still, T's optimism is a leavening influence and I suspect that life with Jake could be a roller coaster.
I would like to get more organized this week. I believe I shall print out some resumes and arrange to drop them with some staffing agencies after inquiring about hiring policies. I was lamenting my lack of self determination to T the other day. I think with practice I could make at least a marginally livable income by writing and the thing that most stands in my way is my lack of discipline. I'd like to come up with a story concept and see if I can follow it through.

Debunked

So, I was talking with Jake last night on the phone after having exchanged the usual batch of casually playful text messages, and he ended the conversation rather abruptly and stopped talking. I sent him a text asking about seeing him the following day to which he did not respond. Then I sent him a sort of pathetic text a while later because I'd already started getting depressed at the distance. Amazing what a profound effect he continues to have on my mood and overall emotional well being. Just as soon as the situation changes context it all gets cast in a different light. I feel as though I need him to continue feeling like existing is worthwhile and diverting. Not only does he bring objects and interests to the equation he motivates me to pursue them. I know that in part it's a conscious choice on my part to use him as a focal point but it seems so indicated. Rats, I'm apparently still wholly wrapped up in the man and he continues to be worth the effort for me. I was so damned relieved when he called this morning and so glad I hadn't gone of the deep end given the normalcy of the conversation we did have. It's a little demoralizing realizing once again how much influence that man has over my emotional well being. I suppose if he dumped me I'd recover eventually, but really, I might not. He's too well connected, I've adopted too many of the things he's introduced me to and they are all no so closely associated with him that my life would at least temporarily be a barren wasteland if he vacated. Please excuse the hyperbole but that is how it would feel. I lead a rather dull existence and mostly I like it that way, but the added dimension of Jake is a welcome one and I would be loath to see him go. So, I think I will cultivated a warmer, fuzzier, more sympathetic attitude.
Not much else has happened between yesterday and today. I got my incision retaped and I had a nice afternoon with J. We suit each other and I think we will remain friends despite our very awkward shared history. I got to meet her new little blind dog and he was adorable, though I still think I prefer Wiggles. Also, I found out that her husband, my former extra curricular, is going to be station on the same ship with my husband's cousin. Small world, but I am only modestly apprehensive. I may say something to D but I don't think I have real reason for concern.

Inexorable

Three weeks tomorrow since my abdominoplasty and I'm still recovering. Everyone but me thinks my belly button looks nearly normal, but it persists in being a foreign intrusion on my familiar anatomy to my perception. I continue to be diligent about taking care of my recovery as best I can but my aversion to that damned binder has not waned. There is some puffiness around my hips that might be helped by more constant pressure but I have yet to persuade myself to climb back into my restraints for any prolonged period. I did invest in some shapewear that helps to a degree and I've been taking motrin in the mornings. I really should just lay off the alcohol for a couple more weeks but it's more difficult than I thought it would be. I like wine with some cheese and crackers in the evening while watching old episodes of Bones. Then when I'm raiding it's nice to have some sauce to take the edge off the flavor of gaming tensions.
I'm feeling normal enough that I went and spent all last Saturday with Jake. The spouse had a full day booked so I was free for a solid 10 hours. We went out to see Jake's mother and to wash his brother's dog. Jake kidnapped his sister's truck to learn how to drive a standard, making the drive home a novel experience. We stopped and saw the movie UP, which was ridiculously adorable and made me misty eyed at least a couple of times. I'm already hyper aware of my own mortality, seeing a time lapse of the main character from childhood to the death of his wife gave me a piercing sense of solitude but the .movie handled it well and honestly I would eventually watch it again.
I had a really good day. I might have overdone it a little, I was sore the next day, part of that might be because I ventured to have sex for the first time in over two weeks but that was terribly worth it. When I am away from Jake for a while I can forget about the chemistry but just as soon as I spend any time around him it comes flooding back. I could get away but I sincerely don't want to and it doesn't help that I still have no real spark with my spouse. I genuinely love the man and I can tell, but I have no interest in making out with him. Wish this country had a more convenient social structure.
Tim hasn't travelled since April which is a long time for him to go between trips...a long time for me too. He may have a one night trip next week but probably not so the only certain thing I can almost count on with near total reliablility is his plan to go out west for a sales trip the week of the 20th. I am looking forward to it with something akin to curiosity since it's been so very long since I last was able to spend that kind of dedicated time around Jake. I think it will be a very pleasant week as per usual. I plan to introduce him to the joys of V, the old 80s miniseries that ABC plans to remake. We should have lots of fun.
In the mean time, after nearly a month, I'm finally getting together with J. We have late lunch plans this afternoon. I've nearly forgotten what she looks like. She will need a ride so I get to see the Wiggles and her new dog Odin too. I'm looking forward to it with only minor reservations.

New Location

I finally went and had an abdominoplasty. I might actually right an extended explanation of the procedure and the pursuant recovery in a blog post just for remembrance and edification purposes. I think I will be glad that I did it. I know at least that I would have continued wanting to do it until I'd acted on it, and I think I will be satisfied with the results. I admit it was more than I bargained for and I'm normally better about educating myself on what I sign up for. You'd think common sense would have served me better at least.
I took a little over a week off work for the surgery, which wasn't a problem. I thought I'd get it out of the way before I went and actually found a new and full time position somewhere. I do feel that nagging sense of obligation that is going to prevent me from casually requesting other time off here and there for my own leisure purposes. And the job hunt is going more slowly than even I anticipated with the economy being slow as it is and everyone worried about costs. I'm really not sure what action to take next but I think as soon as I start feeling better and get rid of this thrice accursed binder I will look into the possibilities offered by a staffing agency.
My spouse has been very patient about the whole thing and incredibly helpful with the post surgery situation. I got rather content being around him again and continue to enjoy his company. I think Jake is starting to wear off a little now that I've been moonlighting with him for nearly 2 years. I'm still very attracted to him but the emotional excess seems to be wearing off. I have considered that this may be at least partially a side effect of my current straits. I feel a bit like a circus side show freak, or Frankenstein's monster. Since my relationship with Jake gravitates so heavily toward the physical, it leaves a vacancy. I don't feel like he understands how and why it is so much more difficult for me to engineer time to be unaccounted for when I am so persistently uncomfortable myself. However, I should be returning to some semblance of normalcy sooner rather than later and I will see just how much effect my convalescence has had on this illicit connection. I have already concluded that I am no more attracted to T than I have been for some time. I recognize him as moderately appealing but there isn't any real chemistry with him. However, I don't have as strong an aversion to him physically as I did when I was more emotionally wrapped up in Jake. Mostly I've just wanted to be left alone, and I know that at least part of that is due to my current physical condition.
T says he's going to have a heavy travel schedule again soon and if Jake continues to be available it will be interesting to see what impact spending a lot of time around him will have on my waning emotional connection. It has been nice relinquishing some of the intensity, especially now that J is back in town for a couple of years. I dont need to worry quite so much about her reconnecting with him. And that girl is a menace to herself and those around her. She's too young and too appealing to be stringently monogamous and I'm not sure she understands how careless she is of her behavior and of the feelings of her female friends with regard to the men in their respective lives. I wonder if she even cares.
I have been entertaining the idea lately that eventually I may be the one who has to take active steps to terminate my extracurricular relationship. I assumed that at some point Jake would meet someone and have a bona fide relationship, but he seems even less inclined to actively pursue dating than I ever would have thought. The idea of this going on indefinitely has only limited appeal. My emotional resources are small and there is a great deal of effort involved in maintaining two relationships of that nature. On the plus side, I continue to like Jake quite well and am pleased with what he has added to my life in terms of creativity and resources. I have loved knowing him and hope to continue doing so.