Debunked

So, I was talking with Jake last night on the phone after having exchanged the usual batch of casually playful text messages, and he ended the conversation rather abruptly and stopped talking. I sent him a text asking about seeing him the following day to which he did not respond. Then I sent him a sort of pathetic text a while later because I'd already started getting depressed at the distance. Amazing what a profound effect he continues to have on my mood and overall emotional well being. Just as soon as the situation changes context it all gets cast in a different light. I feel as though I need him to continue feeling like existing is worthwhile and diverting. Not only does he bring objects and interests to the equation he motivates me to pursue them. I know that in part it's a conscious choice on my part to use him as a focal point but it seems so indicated. Rats, I'm apparently still wholly wrapped up in the man and he continues to be worth the effort for me. I was so damned relieved when he called this morning and so glad I hadn't gone of the deep end given the normalcy of the conversation we did have. It's a little demoralizing realizing once again how much influence that man has over my emotional well being. I suppose if he dumped me I'd recover eventually, but really, I might not. He's too well connected, I've adopted too many of the things he's introduced me to and they are all no so closely associated with him that my life would at least temporarily be a barren wasteland if he vacated. Please excuse the hyperbole but that is how it would feel. I lead a rather dull existence and mostly I like it that way, but the added dimension of Jake is a welcome one and I would be loath to see him go. So, I think I will cultivated a warmer, fuzzier, more sympathetic attitude.
Not much else has happened between yesterday and today. I got my incision retaped and I had a nice afternoon with J. We suit each other and I think we will remain friends despite our very awkward shared history. I got to meet her new little blind dog and he was adorable, though I still think I prefer Wiggles. Also, I found out that her husband, my former extra curricular, is going to be station on the same ship with my husband's cousin. Small world, but I am only modestly apprehensive. I may say something to D but I don't think I have real reason for concern.