new year

I found myself reluctant to write this year end but, force of habit. I'm feeling mildly cynical, which is a difficult trap to avoid falling into when you see quite so much repetition of behavior, particularly my own. Still, I think I agree with my standing definition of cynicism in that it is a lazy pattern of thinking. Change is possible, and thinking it isn't is just an excuse not to enact it. The practicality really doesn't help though. My energy reserves are narrowly limited and I have to really want something to make it happen, want it from a rational, means to an end, point of view. It has to make sense, there needs to be a goal. In this case, like with writing, and a degree of autonomy, I may still be insufficiently motivated. Part of me just wants to do it but I'm noticing that part of me isn't particularly disciplined. I hope that's not the bit of me that's responsible for weight loss, because at the tender age of thirty something I've already hit that, just need to lose ten pounds phase. bah!
I will say it has been a nice year. I finished going to school, I did not get my Master's but I am not especially broken up about it. I toy with the idea of formalizing it but am not sure it's currently in me. I also think about going back better prepared for a somewhat more practical masters program. I do like learning, and I like to be held to a regiment of sorts. It's satisfying.
As I get older it is easier and easier to lose track of time, and I become more and more preoccupied with its loss. I hate lying awake at night wondering about the end of my life and obsessing about it. I find it frustrating to believe that nothing is going to exist for me after I die and battling with the idea that humans, that all life is more significant than that and that something ought to happen to my consciousness after I cease occupying this mortal coil. I know that wanting does not make it so and during the day I suppose I am reconciled after a fashion, but at night it keeps me awake and it is increasingly common. I hope that I can find a way to make that stop because it is a thing which is currently inevitable and I would certainly be more comfortable if I didn't have to think about it at least.
For now my life is mostly happy. I am torn sometimes between T and Jake because my life here is a comfortable one with a man I can communicate with and feel safe with but feel no particular challenge from or chemistry with. Jake by contrast is something of a bull ride. He is exhilerating, and often an adrenaline rush. There is always attraction, common interest, scintillating conversation, but with an edge of uncertainty that he is as unfamiliar with what he wants as I am with what I want. I just wish I had access to both worlds without compromise, but that is not the way this particular path is laid out and if I choose to tread it those are the drawbacks I will deal with.
I know I should be more specific about the year because a decade from now I will not be so familiar with these events as I currently am. There weren't really any highlights this year though. There has been a theme that's been playing itself out for a while, and the one thing that 'happened' was school ending. I mentioned it, and that is that. For the rest, perhaps I'll cover things more specifically for my birthday. For now that is all. Goodbye 2009.