Tired already

I'm a little discouraged that my lifestyle doesn't already yield the results I want. Not that I didn't see some of this coming. I know that as I get older I have to work harder for smaller results. I also know that my education has been for my own edification and not to any practical purpose. I did always think that my aversion to fast food and the usual lack of excess in my diet would buffer me from some of the problems I am instead encountering. I also though my intelligence, flexibility, stability, and general experience would allow me to at least obtain employment whereby I could support myself. So yes, reality is disappointing by contrast. On the other hand, it could be much worse. I don't have any bad eating habits to break and since I knew in theory I was going to have to work harder as time went on, I merely have to reconcile myself to a slightly more labor intensive pattern of behavior. I'm already in good physical condition and this gives me an excellent platform to work from. And I like my rowing machine, I think I can work with it. As far as employment goes, I could put more effort into that as well as continue to take into account the fact that the economy is in fact rather poor right now and there is a lot of competition for the types of generic positions I am qualified for. I can either bide my time, which I very fortunately have the luxury of doing, or I can develop more technical expertise in some area. In any case, I am confident I will be able to bring about some change in my circumstances before too terribly long, it's just harder than I wanted it to be.
I don't really have any perspective on how things are with Jake right now. I feel like we are more friends than anything else at present, but that still comes with benefits. And I still get jealous when he talks about time he spends with his other female friends, whether they are attached or not. I know from experience that poses no barrier for him and often for them. He commented on why he likes taken women. They are already either unavailable, or not content, and if they are not content and predisposed to him it eliminates the element of competition. They are in a relationship they aren't happy with but they aren't playing the field, so really, there is just him to focus on. There is a logic to that line of though that speaks directly to a more than usually intense dislike of rejection and a less than usually intense interest in forming relationships with other humans.
This life and these things, they are all just a distraction. I was thinking the other day how inconvenient it would be if my life came to an abrupt end just now and how many things I would like to take care of before that happened, knowing full well that once I'm dead I won't care about any of it and there will no longer be consequences for me. But I am alive and I cannot help but participate in my own existence. Bah. I have the most irritating ennui because I've contextualized my existence such that in the grand scheme of things nothing I do or fail to do actually matters. This reduces life's purpose to my own entertainment or distraction. But what will I get the most satisfaction out of? In theory I know what I want, but I'm not certain which of those things I want enough to go out and make them happen. At some point I would like to come to some conclusion. For now I could probably benefit from a better grasp on my own behavior. I should take a more analytical approach and see what I can learn.