Fresh

While I still remember it I figured I ought to commit the highlights of my recent vacation to the web. I hadn't traveled for a while, for almost two years, and the last time I did travel I didn't get very far. At least, the last time I remember hopping on a plane. After you've done it enough times the events begin to blur together and you don't really remember properly anymore. I suspect that will happen to a good number of things in my life as I continue to get older. Anyway, I traveled, with T, and we had a nice time. It was an interesting contrast going from a resort hotel on the company dime where I had lots of time to myself while the spouse attended meetings. The weather was fabulous if a little colder than I wanted which surprised me in in Arizona. I had wanted to spend more time in a swimsuit. I did still manage to hang out by the pool a good bit but I need darker sunglasses to read properly outdoors. Still, I took my new little Kindle, which I absolutely love, and I got some reading done while outdoors.
I'm still on a bit of an exercise moratorium but I can't handle being totally inert so I was at the fitness center there every day I stayed and I've grown fond of Elliptical machines. I'm also working a bit of running back into my diet with good results though I still can't seem to lose weight to save myself. At least I didn't really gain any while away and that was nice. I just hoped...silly me.
The resort was very nice and since it was a bit of an oasis in the desert there were lots of little animals running around. They have some interesting birds in the desert and they're quite vocal. T liked the owls best. There was also a family of quail that lived near my room. The baby quail were adorable. The rabbits running around were darned cute as well and they have some unusual flora out there that I got pictures of. I enjoyed my time there and I may have helped T be a bit more social with his colleagues at the conference. We went out late for Mexican one night and it was fun even though I was still operating on east coast time and left earlier than later.
Then we went up to the Northwest to visit the family and the weather was a total contrast. I don't really mind, I grew up there, but it changes what you do with your time. We did go hiking and the weather was nice for it. I got some decent photos of that as well. The stay at the hotel along the river was awesome as well. They had a fun wait staff there and the food was pretty good. I introduced my mother to dessert martinis with good results.
We stayed at a very nice hotel for the remainder of the week as well and though my schedule was busier than I would have liked and the internet access, while being wireless and free, was crappier than I would have liked, I had a good time on the whole. Unlike in AZ I had neither the time nor the resources to do any raiding but there were better things to do like hang out with family.
T went out shooting with my brother while I took my mother and sister in law to see How To Train Your Dragon, a movie I intend to own someday. I also shopped for luggage as mine was finally on its last leg. I wound up getting my mother a hat but didn't find a suitcase I liked until the day before we left.
My aunt held a family reunion for my mother's grandmother's people so I met a bunch of second and third cousins with various degrees of removal at her house. We didn't stay long as my mother wasn't feeling well but I did get to see some folks I liked and drink free wine which is always a win in my book.
All told I was gone for nearly a week and a half and I missed Jake terribly but it was convenient as his car had broken down and I was able to let him borrow mine while I was away. He filled up the tank and washed it for me before he brought it back. It's interesting the areas in which I simply have total confidence in him. I was completely unconcerned and happy that it worked out the way it did.
Now he may be going away on vacation the same time T is out of town which would make me sad as I'd like to spend some serious time with the man but que sera sera I suppose. It may not work out that way but if it does I will simply be reconciled to it. Maybe I'll catch up on gearing some of my characters. Unbelievably my hunter now has better gear than any of my other alts.
Perhaps I'll write more later but for now I am in training and the boss will be returning shortly. Just needed to get something down before I begin to forget details.

Omission

My birthday came and went but I failed to mark the eve of the occasion as I usually do. I was telling T about it and I commented that I thought I might have lost interest in doing so because so little seems to change from year to year and I found it somewhat discouraging. Maybe that's the case, it certainly seems like a reasonable assumption, and retrospectively the only thing that's changed at all in the past year is that I've done more writing than previously. I still haven't finished anything yet, but I keep encouraging myself.
In other news the fix the doctor did on me is turning out in a rather half ass and lumpy fashion. I would probably consider going in before my appointment with him except that I'm due to be out of town for the next week and a half. I hope nothing is too amiss and that it either goes away on its own or is readily fixable. Liposuction is just weird feeling. With luck I won't be too lumpy to do a little hanging out by the pool in my future. I could stand some relaxation.
It's going to be an interesting trip. In my discomfort and general crankiness I managed to start another longish debate with my spouse over science and religion. I managed to offend him pretty deeply and as per usual the entire argument seemed like a waste of time and emotional energy in hindsight. I actually got so irritated at one point that I left and went over to Jake's place for a bit. That was the nice reprieve of the evening and put me in a better mood. Unfortunately I simply went back home and started where I'd left off. Gah! I'll never learn. I did promise T I wouldn't ever do it again and I am pretty sure I can hold to that. I can care about him without giving a rat's ass what his religious delusions are. I need to keep my perspective and weigh the present against how much it will all matter in the end. The balance is still in his favor and strongly so.
I do feel sometimes that Jake might be easier to live with, and anymore when I get into these kinds of conflicts I think in the back of my mind that in a couple more months I will be financially autonomous, or presumably I will be, but I don't think these thoughts emphatically, and I would prefer not to uproot myself. Anyway, the lingering hostility is taking a while to dispel and I'm really hoping I haven't done any irreparable damage because T is awesome to spend time with when he's not angry with me and this could be a nice trip. I will do whatever I can to make amends.
It certainly decided me on whether to share my plan to loan Jake my car while I'm away. He's been having automotive troubles recently of the kind that require professional repair and it seemed reasonable to me to loan my vehicle to him while it was not in use by me. I trust him and he has an excellent driving record but I know it would not go over well with the spouse. It should be fine, he has spare keys for emergency reasons and can simply use those.
I have been so miserable today. It doesn't help that it's that time of the month and that I have a vicious hangover from over indulging at dinner last night. Half a bottle of wine followed by a martini is not a great plan. Perhaps my misery will elicit some sympathy and this will blow over sooner than later. I am always so startled by my emotional frailty. I know there are so many who have far greater issues to contend with but I'm so set on my life being easy and trouble free, you would think this desire would translate into more diplomacy in the things i choose to say and do, but apparently not so much. Gotta love being human.

Merry month of

Times they are a changin'. Not a lot mind you, but a little. We're well into another lovely spring and for the most part life is pleasant, although...T's great uncle died yesterday morning. He was an elderly fellow who struggled with emphysema, and everyone saw it coming, but it was still sad. We stopped in at the hospital a couple days before he passed away and we said our good byes. I still really don't handle death well, it rattles me and I happened to like this particular soul quite well. I keep holding onto the hope that maybe consciousness isn't a happy accident and that maybe it has some kind of significance in a larger scale of reality than we're currently aware of, but that's all it is, hope. What I think is that the same thing will happen to me after I die as happened to me before I was born, nothing, and that it will not bother me in the slightest as a result of my not actually existing anymore. Of course, my current status as present and accounted for in the population of the verse sort of resents this probability. And now, of course, we'll have a funeral to attend with a bunch of religious drivel attendant, and even more delightful, both T's parents will probably feel compelled to attend and they are not delightful to have together at any event anymore. Ok, can't really bear to dwell on that mess any more just at present.
Things are changing at work too. My counterpart will not be with us much longer and they are converting my cushy part time position to a full time one. When they approached me with this development it was somewhat misrepresented as playing back up for both the business and sales department, the actuality is that I am being groomed as the de facto national assistant. My initial response was rebellion but as a shrewd individual here at work pointed out to me, eventually the whole office will belong to sales with everything else being run from corporate. I might just as well reconcile myself to it for the duration of my stay here. The irritating parts being that I dislike not knowing what I'm doing so there is going to be a frantic learning process, and I don't like the woman for whom I will primarily be working. This simply means that rather than retrenching myself here in a full time position I'm going to redouble my efforts to find employment elsewhere that i feel is better suited to my temperament. I should seriously just knuckle down and kick out a few romance novels. I'm sure i could do it and I suspect the money is tolerable.
On the social front everything is fine. I'm a little restricted just now as I finally went back into my cosmetic surgeon and got him to fix the results of last year's surgery. So far I am pleased with the outcome but I am also a bit sore and a mass of bruises once again. I'd had to cut out jogging so going to the park with Jake has been on hold for a bit. Between his recent illness and my convalescence it's going to be hot as hell by the time we get out there again. I have been walking very determinedly and I would venture I'm down about three pounds. Whether that's the result of the liposuction, or the activity, I frankly don't care so long as I don't get it back. I've also cut back on my alcohol consumption and been trying to drink more green tea.
Yesterday was Jake's mother's birthday and for the third time running I attended the festivities, which didn't involve mexican food for a change. We had a good time. His mother talked quite a bit and at some length, but the company was good and the stories were entertaining. Afterward I went over to his place and stirred some brownie batter with his private parts then proceeded to lick the offending utensil clean. That was fun and I got some action out of the deal. It does frustrate me that the sex with T used to be mediocre and very brief, now it's just non existent. The sex with Jake is prolonged, intense, and in all ways satisfying. I should be able to get that closer to home but I can't, and it aggravates me I can't have it anyway without the attendant social infractions. Yet I'm still so fond of T and very content in a relationship with him.
We're going out to AZ and then OR later this month. There's a conference I'm attending with him at a resort hotel, and then we're going to see my family for a bit. I'm really looking forward to it. I'm hoping to drop a few more pounds so I can casually and contentedly spend some time by the pool when I go out there. I bought myself a decent laptop for the occasion so I shouldn't go stir crazy for lack of access to WoW, and maybe I'll even get some writing done. I will miss Jake horrible though. This trip spans two weekends, the time I usually spend most of with him. And there is a good chance I'm not going to get laid the entire time I'm away. That just seems a little wrong to me.
But as I said, on the whole life is good. I'm going to be zen, and when I'm feeling my most zen, perhaps I'll write back to my irritating father in some kind of remotely appropriate way. Wish me luck world.

April Fools

Today is the 12 year anniversary of my arrival here in Norfolk Virginia. Just a couple more years and I'll have lived here longer than anywhere else in my life, sort of. I mean, I have moved around quite a bit since I moved into the area, but same general area, that counts right? I was 22, that seems so young now. If only I could make decisions for myself retroactively. My life would be so different. I think the trick is to find a way to be happy about the mistakes and I suppose after a fashion I am. I can't really imagine my life being much more practically convenient than it already is. I am comfortable and I like the cast of characters in my world.
It's pretty again this year. Spring has arrived. My lawn is begging for a haircut and my car really wants a bath. I plan to take care of both this week. Maybe I'll do a little gardening this year now that my interest in playing World of Warcraft has waned a bit. I don't really have a good functional mouse yesterday and I found that situation further hindering my interest in playing the game at all. Frustratingly I didn't really feel like doing anything else either though. I finally got organized and kicked myself into gear. We had the MIL over to watch a movie last night so I'd gone to the grocery store to get more food and I needed to clean the house. I did some laundry, all the dishes, cleaned the cat's room, vacuumed the stairs and other stuff, I generally tidied up. The results were good, also the weather was nice so I opened the door for a bit to air things out.
I think the MIL had a nice time. She brought over her favorite disaster flick, 2012, I bailed out of watching it about half way through and went upstairs where I got pulled into a raid. Got some nice upgrades for my hunter though.
Didn't hear much from Jake yesterday and I missed him. With luck I'll get to stay over at his place the week after next and maybe we can make plans that will allow us to enjoy the fresh spring weather...I could stand to get a bit more active.
Today I think I'll buy a new mouse for my computer after work, unless T's plans are on for this evening in which case I may go straight home and get the exercise thing out of the way. It's hard to not drink any alcohol, and once I've started it's hard to have only just a little, but I can't help but think how many calories a week I'd cut out if i'd just give the stuff up. It's easier to avoid when I'm gaming but harder to avoid when I'm just watching television. I will have to do more strategizing.
Anyway, off with me, I should be working on my book and I think the energy for it will be hard to find today.

this one

This morning I woke to a ceiling fan with five blades, whirling industriously around a gold chrome stem. The spot on the ceiling where the fan attaches has a circle of paint around it that is significantly darker than that of the rest of the ceiling. It makes a pleasantly continuous sound of rushing air, the sort of white noise that can lull me to sleep in the space of several heartbeats, at least once I can get far enough from the person lying beside me to reach a normal body temperature. He radiates heat like a nuclear reactor and no matter how cold the night I can feel the beads of perspiration forming on the surface of my skin whenever I'm in close proximity to his body. Of course, not all of it is the tangible heat, there is also still my body's response to him. After all this time the chemistry is still intensely compelling.
His bed is comfortable, though I suspect it of having begun to sag in the middle from being occupied primarily with a solitary individual. It's hard to tell as he has a habit of camping in the center of it even when he has company, I cannot help but roll toward him. It takes a bit of shifting to develop enough counter balance to make myself comfortable next to him. I sleep on my right shoulder too often, with my face turned outward toward the edge of the bed. As I get older that arm is almost perpetually a little sore. I try to lie on my back, but when my left elbow rests beside me, my forearm crooked across my torso the arm tends to fall asleep. So I shift a lot and feel badly for rousing him from his peaceful sleep because he usually does have his bed to himself.
I love it there, in that quiet neighborhood. He has a balcony outside his second floor bedroom, and I can see its outline through the beige linen curtains. His closet doors are almost always open so I can see his rainbow colored collection of quirky and vintage t shirts and the ironing board he seldom uses with its floral print cover and the iron hanging above it on the rack. He recently hung a picture of a dory on the south China sea on the wall opposite his bed, and it too is soothing.
He loves the water. He spent part of his childhood growing up on a boat and the lifestyle, while not perfect contextually, was one that seems to have stuck with him and continues to have appeal. He tells me if he had a boat he would probably leave and not come back. I could see him being happily and resourcefully itinerant but I am glad he is here and does not seem unhappy.
Tonight I will see him again. I don't know if I will get to his house before he does, if I'll need my rainbow colored key copy to get in. Maybe I will be curled up on his couch watching Caprica and munching on animal cookies, or perhaps he'll get there before me and be playing Modern Warfare. We'll probably watch something for a while, obscure or mainstream anime, something offbeat, and then one or the other of us will get sleepy. He sometimes reads in bed while waiting on me, or sometimes I go up first while he plays games until he's tired.
It is pleasant, and ordinary, and unique. It is a thing I always want and never take wholly for granted because it isn't mine and I value it. I think he's used to me now. There is more he wants and it isn't something I have, but I think he feels no sense of urgency about finding what it is he may be after. So there is me for now, and I am content for the most part.

Grand Scheme of Things

It's the end of another nice week with Jake. The man comes back tonight. I have mixed feelings. I've enjoyed my week but I've had small twinges of missing home here and there. I feel like I've been rushed a lot of the time, and substituting a less appealing activity for a more appealing one sometimes to appease Jake. The trade off persists in being worth it to me because of the value I continue to place on that relationship, but I can feel the compromise and wonder how it will develop. Maybe it never will, I mean, after all, it's been a while. My feelings haven't changed too very much. I am calmer and a little more able to take Jake for granted. Conversely, he also seems to take me for granted, something that continues to bother me a little. Perhaps I feel like he's always had that attitude toward me and I feel inferior to him in some way, or threatened. Even though I have spent all week with him and we've had a great time doing very little, rather than spend this evening with me he plans to go out with his coworkers, knowing that T is coming back tonight and it will be my last free evening for a while. I want him to want me more and I can never have that like J could. Bah, and I know that wouldn't have lasted and he would have seen through her and either been wounded, cynical or both. I just wish I could have ever generated that level of intensity from him the way he does from me. But in the end, what I do have is enough. He is incredibly rewarding to spend time with, and very thoughtful and courteous of me. This is a way I still like to spend my time and feel it is worthwhile. I've enjoyed cooking for him and making plans with him all week. I've loved sleeping in his bed and waking up next to him. He is gorgeous to look at, generous with his charms and resources, I would not trade him in for a night of raiding in WoW for certain, or even for another human. I am attached to this one. I just wish I didn't feel so at a disadvantage with him, like he really is out of my league.
We've been playing BioShock all week, and the other night we watched Tron. I wasn't feeling terribly ambitious as I had a murderous head cold sent from the bowels of purgatory to torment me. Jake was really accommodating about it, well, except when he wanted to make out with me and the idea of being horizontal was still anathema to me. I think my reluctance offends him deeply and personally so I usually try to mitigate my reaction and go along with him. I admit, it's worth it and I have never failed to enjoy myself but it's hard feeling so regularly subsumed by someone else.
So, T comes home today and I will go back to my more normal life. I have a Dr. appointment this afternoon to get the surgeon to look at my hips. I don't think he made my abdominoplasty incision quite long enough so the skin gathers a bit and looks asymmetrical. I'm trying to decide how combatitive to be about the issue because I'd prefer to not get stuck footing the bill for fixing something i consider his error, that's assuming he will be able to fix it, Gods above please let him be able to fix it. I'm so tired of feeling self conscious. I avoid being naked with an audience anymore because of this and I know it hurts me.
Monday I have another interview for a job I really thing I might actually like to have, at the airport. I like airports and it's a shorter commute from my home than this place. I like the hours and the pay sounds good. I am hopeful and delighted that they even called me back considering they had over 600 applications come in for the position. If I get it I may not be able to travel with T in May but he sounds like he may be reconciled to that.
Friday I have an appointment with a dermatologist and I need to remember to print out a body map like the NP I talked to recommended. I also need to remember to call my ObGyn to find out when my appointment last spring was so I can hunt down a replacement for her and schedule with her. And what I really need to do is tear myself away from this and go do the writing I keep telling myself I want to be doing despite my fear that I'll never get any kind of closure out of the damned story. The effort does not hurt me, I can do this.

Recording

T has been traveling again, just parts of weeks, a few nights here and there. He keeps talking about having a job or position where he doesn't have to travel, and I wonder to myself how that will affect me. Then I push the concern aside because who knows what the future actually holds for either of us. I assume at some point he will stop traveling and that will be that. It may or may not change my peripheral relationship. I think Jake likes having me stay over, I think he enjoys the game of lets pretend, without the need to manage an actual live in arrangement. I don't know, maybe he wouldn't mind being with me. I still labor under the notion that he can do better and knows he can and he's settling for now because it's easy, I'm good enough, I'm totally into him, and we get along. Good enough lubricant for this relationship for now I suppose. It's enough to have kept it trundling along for 2 and a half years now. It feels like cheating, in more ways than one. I know it's a construct but I do enjoy it, and it is its own reality.
I've liked the half weeks with Jake. I have yet to grow tired of waking up next to him and basking in the luxury of being there with him without the need to go home. These past couple weeks have been pleasant. Two or three nights a week is just enough break from my routine. Instead of playing on the computer I cook new things and watch interesting movies while Jake keeps me company. I get to have entertaining early morning conversations about which superhero would make the best U.S. president, and who his running mate should be. I get to play console games, though I do that more when he's not around and I'm camped out at his place. He tends to watch me play and make 'helpful' remarks. While he is legitimately helpful and has improved my game with some of his suggestions, it makes me self conscious and depending on my mood detracts from my ability to enjoy playing. So long as he doesn't get frustrated with me I'm ok, and he's usually good about that. Still....
I keep job hunting. I'm still hoping to hear back from a good prospect, but if I don't I think I'll suspend my efforts for a little while. T has made a big issue of me traveling to a conference with him that is coming up shortly and while he would deal with it if I couldn't go, he would be petulant about it and I find it is easier for me to just make arrangements to tag along. Plus it gives me more time to capitalize on my fear of joining the rat race. It served as at least a temporary catalyst to get me to start writing more regularly. I've actually been turning out a page a day for a couple of weeks now with only a minor hiccup. I still have trouble with ending a story, but I'm learning more about developing one and I'm keeping notes. I was talking to an amateur writer friend of mine the other day and he confessed that he too has trouble creating endings. I find this reassuring.
Anyway, that's me for now. T will be around for the next week, but he leaves the week after for a full 5 nights I believe. Fortunately Jake won't be dog sitting this time. My heart goes out to that poor pooch who no one but his owner seems to really be fond of. He's a bull in a china shop. Still, it's nice to go to Jake's and not deal with so many allergens too. I'll have to think of some fun things to cook and entertaining stuff to watch. Perhaps we can go out to the local funky video store again this coming week and pick out more eclectic stuff now that Jake has a membership. That was fun, an interesting crowd goes there and it's not so far from where I work that dropping stuff off afterward is any kind of problem.
But enough for now.