Just a quick footnote at the beginning here, the boy toy did not stop seeing me over the std issue, in case I had mentioned that possibility. I'm glad I didn't say anything to him at the time, would just have pissed him off...not that any of it really matters so very much. He told me why he'd distanced himself. Apparently my vague and lurking suspicions about him and one of his coworkers was more correct than I knew. In the course of their relations she got pregnant and they are having a child. He told me all of this at the point when he seemed to have gotten tired of the relationship, or was feeling a bit trapped. While I am still attracted to him, I just don't feel like going there right now. Too inconvenient, but I did not intend to devote much space to that in this particular blog.
I'm sitting here at work watching the development of an incipient thunderstorm and ruing how long it's been since I wrote anything here. I missed New Years Eve, and I missed my birthday, traditions I was attached to. I will try to make some amends for the benefit of my future self.
It's been an ok year on the whole. Tim and I have decided to explore the possibility of having a kid, just the one, if it happens it does, if it doesn't then I need to revisit what I'm going to spend the bulk of my time doing for the next several decades. I find myself hoping it works out because even though I know there are a lot of things about having a child that I am not going to love, and it will ruin my abdominoplasty, I find I am interested in the process and like the idea of raising a potential little atheist from the ground up. Plus now that I'm a bit more entrenched of my life ending with the demise of my body, and I haven't exactly made myself literarily famous, the idea of sending someone forward into the future a little ways, is appealing to me.
Please pardon my morbid preoccupations, while T and I were away in Grand Cayman on vacation last week, my cat had to be put to sleep. I have had pets die in the past, having grown up with so many of them, but this hit me a lot harder. He has been my only pet for the past 8 years, and I didn't used to be an atheist either. I find that I miss him intensely and am still wrestling a little with guilt that I'd left him to be boarded with the vet when he passed away. It hurts, it hurts so much and I know that if missing, and wanting, and longing could bring those we've lost back from the dead, there are many people who never would have died, and some few who still would have. I hate having to check all those little reactions and habits I had in response to my kitty, worrying about leaving plastic on the floor where he'd chew on it, or random power cords. Looking for him inside the door when I get back from work, finding his hair on my clothing etc. My friends and family have been so nice about it and even that makes it hard. Hell, sitting here thinking about it at work is making me teary eyed, and i hate the futility of it all. I loved him, and I miss him. I think when he revisits my memory periodically over the years I will always miss him. Oddly the prospect of dying myself seemed like more of a relief in the face of having to miss a creature of whom I am so fond. Someday I will be in exactly the same position he is now and there will be parity.
Other than that the trip to Grand Cayman was nice. I've decided that despite my general aversion to water, I really like snorkeling, and that with more practice I might even get half decent at underwater photography. And the food there was spectacular, expensive, but well turned. We went to a couple of restaurants, and it was amusing because at one of them there was a little crab running around on the patio where we were sitting. The other patrons had frightened him so he came over and hid under our table. I felt a gentle tapping on my ankle and I looked down to see this little crab sitting next to my foot just staring up at me. I think he wanted me to share. So yes, we had fun and saw a few things like Hell and the Botanical Garden with the big Blue Iguanas, and we ate too much and exercised a good bit, walked on the beach and had a relaxing time. It's nice to be reminded how easy T is to spend time with. And then we went home, and that was nice too.
Since I know where are many more things I want to get written out I think I will make more of an effort to keep up here despite the absence of the boy toy. Here is hoping.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Fate has intentions
So, the boy toy gave me herpes. Yes, now, after several years of sleeping together pretty regularly, at a point where I was considering suspending our sexual relationship. It really makes my brain wonder and try to impose meaning and significance to the development. I mean, really, now? Things were slowing down, I was contemplating having a child with my husband, then bam, pain, mad crazy itchiness, extreme messiness, and a trip to the doctor. By the time they got back to me with the lab results I'd pretty much confirmed my diagnosis on Google Images. Yep, that's what I've got, let's see how horrible it is. Turns out it's really not that horrible and about a fifth of the population has it, many of them without knowing they do. It's not exactly a very feisty virus despite the social stigma, but it's really really uncomfortable when you first get it. I can emphatically attest to that. But now I'm diagnosed, I have medication with refills, and I will be ok, I just have herpes, which is annoying.
I've looked into how it will affect a pregnancy and it looks like the dangers are minimal. It's extremely rare to pass it along to the fetus. One needs to explain to ones obgyn that you have the virus and then they take pains to make sure you're not having an outbreak during labor which will result in them recommending a c-section. Dear god do I ever want to avoid one of those. I think I'll stick to my original plan and wait until spring to attempt getting knocked up. My system will have had a little time to battle the virus into some semblance of submission by then. It's just that it's one more thing, one more risk factor in something that I already consider a bit of a craps shoot. If this all works out like it's supposed to ideally, I'm going to breathe a very deep sigh of relief even knowing the roller coaster of sleepless nights I'm about to be plunged into as part of the joys of parenthood. Blah! This was hard enough a notion to entertain and I think I'm still....oops, was interupted and can't remember where I was going with that thought. Anyway, it's a struggle and this development makes it more challenging, but I know I will adjust and my outlook will change.
It's interesting and irritating that Jake seems to be avoiding me now too. He didn't answer the last time I called, and he's been very reluctant to engage in any banter. I mean, how does that work, he gives me herpes and then he wants nothing to do with me? Of course, he didn't know he had it, and learning that he did was probably somewhat troublesome for him but it just doesn't seem fair. Yeah, I know, life isn't fair. I just don't know what to do about it yet. He's my primary go to person for hanging out casually and my life is rather more boring without him around to fill those yawning chasms in my social life. He likes to kill time in some of the same ways I do and it's nice to have the company. I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to get him to talk, he may just want out. I will probably try for a good while just to see if he eventually decides its worth it. He can be a little demanding in the desire to have an audience, and I would like for him to be ok with me being so inaccessible, but it's a complicated compromise. I know I've been stepping back since working full time as it has heightened my desire to have time to myself and people take so much energy for me to interact with. I know that has bothered him, but I don't know if it's something he and i will be able to find a tenable compromise on. And this development just makes it more challenging. We shall see. I'm certain much less hysterical and overwrought about the prospect than I once would have been.
I've looked into how it will affect a pregnancy and it looks like the dangers are minimal. It's extremely rare to pass it along to the fetus. One needs to explain to ones obgyn that you have the virus and then they take pains to make sure you're not having an outbreak during labor which will result in them recommending a c-section. Dear god do I ever want to avoid one of those. I think I'll stick to my original plan and wait until spring to attempt getting knocked up. My system will have had a little time to battle the virus into some semblance of submission by then. It's just that it's one more thing, one more risk factor in something that I already consider a bit of a craps shoot. If this all works out like it's supposed to ideally, I'm going to breathe a very deep sigh of relief even knowing the roller coaster of sleepless nights I'm about to be plunged into as part of the joys of parenthood. Blah! This was hard enough a notion to entertain and I think I'm still....oops, was interupted and can't remember where I was going with that thought. Anyway, it's a struggle and this development makes it more challenging, but I know I will adjust and my outlook will change.
It's interesting and irritating that Jake seems to be avoiding me now too. He didn't answer the last time I called, and he's been very reluctant to engage in any banter. I mean, how does that work, he gives me herpes and then he wants nothing to do with me? Of course, he didn't know he had it, and learning that he did was probably somewhat troublesome for him but it just doesn't seem fair. Yeah, I know, life isn't fair. I just don't know what to do about it yet. He's my primary go to person for hanging out casually and my life is rather more boring without him around to fill those yawning chasms in my social life. He likes to kill time in some of the same ways I do and it's nice to have the company. I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to get him to talk, he may just want out. I will probably try for a good while just to see if he eventually decides its worth it. He can be a little demanding in the desire to have an audience, and I would like for him to be ok with me being so inaccessible, but it's a complicated compromise. I know I've been stepping back since working full time as it has heightened my desire to have time to myself and people take so much energy for me to interact with. I know that has bothered him, but I don't know if it's something he and i will be able to find a tenable compromise on. And this development just makes it more challenging. We shall see. I'm certain much less hysterical and overwrought about the prospect than I once would have been.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
On the Table
There's something about the prospect of actually writing that causes my brain to shy away in all sorts of directions. I caught myself staring and my muted version of People's Court just as soon as I opened this page. That doesn't bode well for any hypothetical future I may have as a writer of any ilk. I wonder if I'll ever accept that, or if somehow, someday, I will find a way around my aversion and charge full speed ahead into the creative industry. I want pretzels now, and I'm not hungry, my brain is just looking for an excuse not to write.
I have a few things I want to record too, and that's what this essentially is, an aimless record of the things I obsess over at various moments in the course of my life. It's just my way of making the most of my existence. I know I won't remember everything, and this helps, particularly when some of the things I'm focused on are more momentous than usual.
For instance, my brother and sister in law are having their first child here in the next few months. I have to assume that has something to do with the tenor of my own thoughts on the matter of reproduction. I don't think it was the only instigator, but the fact that I used it as an introduction to the idea says something about it's place my my thought hierarchy. I think mostly it's been Tim's persistent desire to have a child, and my own change of attitude as I come to grips with my atheism. My morbid obsession with my own mortality seems to have waned and I feel like I've become more emotional stable of late. I also feel like I'm moving into another stage of my life, albeit belatedly. My ideas about self indulgence no longer exclude the addition of a child to my life, in fact, they may include them. To be clearer, I dislike working my dead end administrative job, I don't hate it, I'd just like to not do it and still find a way to be productive. In light of the fact that I seem to not have pursued writing as a self gratifying career option, I'm beginning to consider raising a child as a good and appropriate long term project that I would find more rewarding than the activities I'm currently engaged in. Additionally I've gotten to the point in my affair with Jake that allows for me to not be too unhappy about the idea of possibly losing him as a sex partner. I say that now because he's kept me pretty damned satisfied in that regard despite T's continued failure to do so. Yeah, that's a consideration, I may be fine with the idea, but if T doesn't step it up again I may find myself growing really really restless in that regard, a situation that could become much more fraught with complication if he does unbend enough to at least procreate with me. To sum up, I'm not depressed anymore, I don't enjoy my job, I lack a sense of purpose, and I'm tired of maintaining a relationship with the boy toy. Sounds like a perfect situation to bring a child into right? Ok, but T really wants one, and I think I might enjoy the process of raising one.
I know no one is ever really prepared until you're actually doing it. I know this will change my life, and I will probably experience pangs of regret for my old life from time to time, but I think the pros will outweigh the cons. At least, I think they will if all goes well. There is the fact that having a child is such a total craps shoot in many regards and that I am approaching that age when the risks of things going wrong begin to increase, but it seems acceptable to me, kind of a hope for the best attitude I suppose. In any case, if nothing changes between now and spring, I think I'll at least be making the attempt. Autism risks aside, I'm not planning to do another summer pregnancy, that would just suck. Plus I think that way I can stockpile enough cash to finance a few things when I stop working.
Yeah, what the hell am I thinking. No more sleepovers with Jake when the spouse is out of town. No more random trips up to Busch Garden's with him. No more escaping whimsically on the weekends for unaccounted hours while I watch Jake play video games and talk about whatever comes up. And dear god I'll have to deal more with the MIL. Who even knows what my own mother will do if this comes to fruition. Of course by then she should be attached enough to the grandchild over there that maybe it will be a non issue. Anyway, I really have thought about all of these things obsessively, and I'll probably continue to do so, but as matters stand I think it's something I will wind up pursuing, and yes it will change my life.
Jake, you snide son of a bitch, I'll probably miss you and your passive aggressive ways. Ok, you've been getting on my nerves lately with your cute little blame game, your ease to take offense, and your brutal self justified remarks. You can be compassionate, clever, funny, thoughtful and genuinely nice...when it suits you, but sometimes I find you exhausting. In fairness, you probably think the same of me, I know I'm not always so easy to deal with. I can be tactless, and abrupt, I just am not so sure you realize that road goes both ways all the time, and I find that I'm less tolerant of your little blame game as time goes on. I'm not sure what that will eventually do to our "relationship", but I suspect we're going to find out.
Now, on with the holiday season. I will have a mass influx of family in the next few weeks and I'm finally going home for Christmas this year. I'll probably bludgeon my poor little brain into updating soon enough.
I have a few things I want to record too, and that's what this essentially is, an aimless record of the things I obsess over at various moments in the course of my life. It's just my way of making the most of my existence. I know I won't remember everything, and this helps, particularly when some of the things I'm focused on are more momentous than usual.
For instance, my brother and sister in law are having their first child here in the next few months. I have to assume that has something to do with the tenor of my own thoughts on the matter of reproduction. I don't think it was the only instigator, but the fact that I used it as an introduction to the idea says something about it's place my my thought hierarchy. I think mostly it's been Tim's persistent desire to have a child, and my own change of attitude as I come to grips with my atheism. My morbid obsession with my own mortality seems to have waned and I feel like I've become more emotional stable of late. I also feel like I'm moving into another stage of my life, albeit belatedly. My ideas about self indulgence no longer exclude the addition of a child to my life, in fact, they may include them. To be clearer, I dislike working my dead end administrative job, I don't hate it, I'd just like to not do it and still find a way to be productive. In light of the fact that I seem to not have pursued writing as a self gratifying career option, I'm beginning to consider raising a child as a good and appropriate long term project that I would find more rewarding than the activities I'm currently engaged in. Additionally I've gotten to the point in my affair with Jake that allows for me to not be too unhappy about the idea of possibly losing him as a sex partner. I say that now because he's kept me pretty damned satisfied in that regard despite T's continued failure to do so. Yeah, that's a consideration, I may be fine with the idea, but if T doesn't step it up again I may find myself growing really really restless in that regard, a situation that could become much more fraught with complication if he does unbend enough to at least procreate with me. To sum up, I'm not depressed anymore, I don't enjoy my job, I lack a sense of purpose, and I'm tired of maintaining a relationship with the boy toy. Sounds like a perfect situation to bring a child into right? Ok, but T really wants one, and I think I might enjoy the process of raising one.
I know no one is ever really prepared until you're actually doing it. I know this will change my life, and I will probably experience pangs of regret for my old life from time to time, but I think the pros will outweigh the cons. At least, I think they will if all goes well. There is the fact that having a child is such a total craps shoot in many regards and that I am approaching that age when the risks of things going wrong begin to increase, but it seems acceptable to me, kind of a hope for the best attitude I suppose. In any case, if nothing changes between now and spring, I think I'll at least be making the attempt. Autism risks aside, I'm not planning to do another summer pregnancy, that would just suck. Plus I think that way I can stockpile enough cash to finance a few things when I stop working.
Yeah, what the hell am I thinking. No more sleepovers with Jake when the spouse is out of town. No more random trips up to Busch Garden's with him. No more escaping whimsically on the weekends for unaccounted hours while I watch Jake play video games and talk about whatever comes up. And dear god I'll have to deal more with the MIL. Who even knows what my own mother will do if this comes to fruition. Of course by then she should be attached enough to the grandchild over there that maybe it will be a non issue. Anyway, I really have thought about all of these things obsessively, and I'll probably continue to do so, but as matters stand I think it's something I will wind up pursuing, and yes it will change my life.
Jake, you snide son of a bitch, I'll probably miss you and your passive aggressive ways. Ok, you've been getting on my nerves lately with your cute little blame game, your ease to take offense, and your brutal self justified remarks. You can be compassionate, clever, funny, thoughtful and genuinely nice...when it suits you, but sometimes I find you exhausting. In fairness, you probably think the same of me, I know I'm not always so easy to deal with. I can be tactless, and abrupt, I just am not so sure you realize that road goes both ways all the time, and I find that I'm less tolerant of your little blame game as time goes on. I'm not sure what that will eventually do to our "relationship", but I suspect we're going to find out.
Now, on with the holiday season. I will have a mass influx of family in the next few weeks and I'm finally going home for Christmas this year. I'll probably bludgeon my poor little brain into updating soon enough.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Endurance
One month and three starters later my car seems to be functioning again. I understood the first time it went out, the vehicle is about 8 years old, but when I started having problems a mere week later it was a bit frustrating. Plus I was concerned that by driving through that rather large puddle in a rain storm was maybe the cause of the issue. Having the guys next door shrug their shoulders and say they couldn't figure out what was up when my car was starting intermittently wasn't exactly reassuring either. I bided my time for a stressful few weeks, waited for T's car to be free while he was traveling, and found someone with some electrical expertise to take a look at it only to discover that the started was faulty. Yay, get it towed back to the original place, get it swapped out free of charge, pick it up, car starts fine but makes horrid grinding sound. What sort of yahoos am I dealing with. I kept it over the weekend and took it back to say 'fix please'. Luckily this time when they swapped out the starter yet again, they seem to have given me a decent one. God I hope this holds for another few years at least. Amazing how much emotional energy it requires of me to perpetually deal with something I am so dependent on as my mode of transportation, but I think in retrospect I handled it rather well. I was constantly aware of my support network and resources and that did make it easier.
I joined a gym. I am wondering if now that my car works and I'm done with the sessions with the personal trainer if I will settle into some kind of productive routine. I was going to try to start that today, I probably will start that today, but I am irked that I managed to leave my prepared and packed lunch sitting on the counter at home. I have excellent intentions of incorporating more strength training into my rotation. I think I may be hitting me just how important and useful it is. Funny how all the different parts of my brain don't necessarily believe the same things.
Like with alcohol, I know I need to at least cut back. I know it would take a lot of calories out of my diet, and I know it would be generally healthier for me, not that I plan to give it up, just introduce more moderation. It seems easier when T is gone, like he is now. It ceases to be part of my pattern: prepare dinner, pick something to watch, pour a glass of wine, pour another depending on how much television I watch. When I hang out with Jake, alcohol is often not part of the equation. We went to see a movie together last night and had water. I slept fabulously afterward, though my arm always goes numb when I sleep in Jake's bed, not sure why.
It amuses me how pedestrian my relationship with him has gotten. I really don't know what he thinks about it. I don't know if he's content with the current level of interaction. He seems to like having me around when T is out of town, but he also doesn't seem to mind too much when I'm am less available. He still talks about the future and having kids and a wife, sometimes he talks about going back to school, but he doesn't make any moves toward these things he ostensibly wants. I wonder at what point he'll decide he doesn't care, or decide to change his habits. I wonder if turning thirty will change his perception. He's not one to subscribe to generalizations so he may not take those tangibilities into account ever.
Sometimes I think of him more as friend than as lover anymore. Other times I know I would still react if he did start dating someone. While I think I could live (not happily) without the sex, I know I am still very attached to the relationship I have with him and the place it gives me in his life. I know I would lose that if I were displaced in the sexual hierarchy. Maybe it's lazy of me but I rely on him as my primary social outlet outside the house. I revel in the fact that I always enjoy myself with him, and that we have enough things in common to stave off boredom for years. I suppose it's possible he's a surrogate for the healthier social circle that I'm supposed to have, or it's possible I should give less weight to arbitrary social laws and my relationship with Jake is only contextually unhealthy.
I plan to enjoy my week with him and I have a goal to drop two pounds via exercise and lack of alcohol. I'm going to enjoy my fixed car, and my gym membership, and my temporary change of routine, and then I'm going to have a long weekend.
I joined a gym. I am wondering if now that my car works and I'm done with the sessions with the personal trainer if I will settle into some kind of productive routine. I was going to try to start that today, I probably will start that today, but I am irked that I managed to leave my prepared and packed lunch sitting on the counter at home. I have excellent intentions of incorporating more strength training into my rotation. I think I may be hitting me just how important and useful it is. Funny how all the different parts of my brain don't necessarily believe the same things.
Like with alcohol, I know I need to at least cut back. I know it would take a lot of calories out of my diet, and I know it would be generally healthier for me, not that I plan to give it up, just introduce more moderation. It seems easier when T is gone, like he is now. It ceases to be part of my pattern: prepare dinner, pick something to watch, pour a glass of wine, pour another depending on how much television I watch. When I hang out with Jake, alcohol is often not part of the equation. We went to see a movie together last night and had water. I slept fabulously afterward, though my arm always goes numb when I sleep in Jake's bed, not sure why.
It amuses me how pedestrian my relationship with him has gotten. I really don't know what he thinks about it. I don't know if he's content with the current level of interaction. He seems to like having me around when T is out of town, but he also doesn't seem to mind too much when I'm am less available. He still talks about the future and having kids and a wife, sometimes he talks about going back to school, but he doesn't make any moves toward these things he ostensibly wants. I wonder at what point he'll decide he doesn't care, or decide to change his habits. I wonder if turning thirty will change his perception. He's not one to subscribe to generalizations so he may not take those tangibilities into account ever.
Sometimes I think of him more as friend than as lover anymore. Other times I know I would still react if he did start dating someone. While I think I could live (not happily) without the sex, I know I am still very attached to the relationship I have with him and the place it gives me in his life. I know I would lose that if I were displaced in the sexual hierarchy. Maybe it's lazy of me but I rely on him as my primary social outlet outside the house. I revel in the fact that I always enjoy myself with him, and that we have enough things in common to stave off boredom for years. I suppose it's possible he's a surrogate for the healthier social circle that I'm supposed to have, or it's possible I should give less weight to arbitrary social laws and my relationship with Jake is only contextually unhealthy.
I plan to enjoy my week with him and I have a goal to drop two pounds via exercise and lack of alcohol. I'm going to enjoy my fixed car, and my gym membership, and my temporary change of routine, and then I'm going to have a long weekend.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
All Summer
I know I've had at least one short stay at Jake's place since last I wrote and I know we didn't really do much and that was fine. I'm notorious for making plans that I have insufficient interest in following through on. I was supposed to be over there for an entire week this week, my last week of part time employment, but as is his sometime habit, T canceled his trip at the last minute. As usual I was beyond irritated, but also as usual, I got over it. I was looking forward to a week absent of expectations, a week of having the house to myself, a week of Jake and breaking up my usual routine, it was going to be my last hurrah. On the other hand, it's a bit of a hassle spending the night places other than home when I have to be at work the following morning, so, I guess there was that. Anyway, I've sort of folded in on myself this week and just not really bothered with the caring. There is too much to process.
So yes, I do start working again full time next week...Monday. It's been something like 6 years since I worked full days. I've become increasingly less apprehensive about it though. With all the stuff they've tossed in my lap it will be a relief to actually be here to get it done, and I don't think I'm going to mind. It's just another place to spend my time. I am going to have to figure out my lunch breaks. Getting a membership to a local gym is a distinct possibility. Figuring out food choices should be interesting as well.
During my first full time week, T will spend part of it away on a business trip and I am wondering if that will be a hassle for me or if it will fit and suit my personality just fine. Jake is sort of a method of getting away and he's not conventionally demanding. I enjoy his company and the variety, but it will be interesting socializing with him without having had all the alone down time that I'm accustomed to. On the plus side, there will probably be some morning sex, and that will be awesome.
I continue to not be attracted to T and I know it's more than just the quality of the sex. I don't think of him that way most of the time, though occassionally I can summon up some chemistry it's woefully infrequent. It's a relief that our conjugal sessions are as brief as they are since I spend some time afterward in pain due to a mild allergic reaction, and getting it over with seems to be my attitude. Can I fake my way through this part of the relationship long term. He's not possessed of the highest libido so hooking up a couple of times a month doesn't seem to cause much dissonance. I just don't know but I'm increasingly unwilling to leave. I'm comfortable and I don't see that I'd be happier elsewhere. Maybe it's shoddy of me but it seems to be how I'm operating just now.
I did have a dream the other night that I found disturbing. I was going to go and live with/marry Jake and I didn't want my mother to find out, but I'd forgotten about T. I remembered him at some point later, but he didn't occur to me as a hindrance to my plan until toward the end. It felt odd. Not so nice of me to take him quite so for granted.
That's pretty much all that's going on just now. It hasn't been an exciting summer. I haven't lost any weight at all but I do continue to exercise regularly and am at a good level of fitness. I'm wondering if my work schedule will change that. I will try to be alert. For the rest, I am entertained, and only marginally unstable which is to be expected given it's me.
So yes, I do start working again full time next week...Monday. It's been something like 6 years since I worked full days. I've become increasingly less apprehensive about it though. With all the stuff they've tossed in my lap it will be a relief to actually be here to get it done, and I don't think I'm going to mind. It's just another place to spend my time. I am going to have to figure out my lunch breaks. Getting a membership to a local gym is a distinct possibility. Figuring out food choices should be interesting as well.
During my first full time week, T will spend part of it away on a business trip and I am wondering if that will be a hassle for me or if it will fit and suit my personality just fine. Jake is sort of a method of getting away and he's not conventionally demanding. I enjoy his company and the variety, but it will be interesting socializing with him without having had all the alone down time that I'm accustomed to. On the plus side, there will probably be some morning sex, and that will be awesome.
I continue to not be attracted to T and I know it's more than just the quality of the sex. I don't think of him that way most of the time, though occassionally I can summon up some chemistry it's woefully infrequent. It's a relief that our conjugal sessions are as brief as they are since I spend some time afterward in pain due to a mild allergic reaction, and getting it over with seems to be my attitude. Can I fake my way through this part of the relationship long term. He's not possessed of the highest libido so hooking up a couple of times a month doesn't seem to cause much dissonance. I just don't know but I'm increasingly unwilling to leave. I'm comfortable and I don't see that I'd be happier elsewhere. Maybe it's shoddy of me but it seems to be how I'm operating just now.
I did have a dream the other night that I found disturbing. I was going to go and live with/marry Jake and I didn't want my mother to find out, but I'd forgotten about T. I remembered him at some point later, but he didn't occur to me as a hindrance to my plan until toward the end. It felt odd. Not so nice of me to take him quite so for granted.
That's pretty much all that's going on just now. It hasn't been an exciting summer. I haven't lost any weight at all but I do continue to exercise regularly and am at a good level of fitness. I'm wondering if my work schedule will change that. I will try to be alert. For the rest, I am entertained, and only marginally unstable which is to be expected given it's me.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Fresh
While I still remember it I figured I ought to commit the highlights of my recent vacation to the web. I hadn't traveled for a while, for almost two years, and the last time I did travel I didn't get very far. At least, the last time I remember hopping on a plane. After you've done it enough times the events begin to blur together and you don't really remember properly anymore. I suspect that will happen to a good number of things in my life as I continue to get older. Anyway, I traveled, with T, and we had a nice time. It was an interesting contrast going from a resort hotel on the company dime where I had lots of time to myself while the spouse attended meetings. The weather was fabulous if a little colder than I wanted which surprised me in in Arizona. I had wanted to spend more time in a swimsuit. I did still manage to hang out by the pool a good bit but I need darker sunglasses to read properly outdoors. Still, I took my new little Kindle, which I absolutely love, and I got some reading done while outdoors.
I'm still on a bit of an exercise moratorium but I can't handle being totally inert so I was at the fitness center there every day I stayed and I've grown fond of Elliptical machines. I'm also working a bit of running back into my diet with good results though I still can't seem to lose weight to save myself. At least I didn't really gain any while away and that was nice. I just hoped...silly me.
The resort was very nice and since it was a bit of an oasis in the desert there were lots of little animals running around. They have some interesting birds in the desert and they're quite vocal. T liked the owls best. There was also a family of quail that lived near my room. The baby quail were adorable. The rabbits running around were darned cute as well and they have some unusual flora out there that I got pictures of. I enjoyed my time there and I may have helped T be a bit more social with his colleagues at the conference. We went out late for Mexican one night and it was fun even though I was still operating on east coast time and left earlier than later.
Then we went up to the Northwest to visit the family and the weather was a total contrast. I don't really mind, I grew up there, but it changes what you do with your time. We did go hiking and the weather was nice for it. I got some decent photos of that as well. The stay at the hotel along the river was awesome as well. They had a fun wait staff there and the food was pretty good. I introduced my mother to dessert martinis with good results.
We stayed at a very nice hotel for the remainder of the week as well and though my schedule was busier than I would have liked and the internet access, while being wireless and free, was crappier than I would have liked, I had a good time on the whole. Unlike in AZ I had neither the time nor the resources to do any raiding but there were better things to do like hang out with family.
T went out shooting with my brother while I took my mother and sister in law to see How To Train Your Dragon, a movie I intend to own someday. I also shopped for luggage as mine was finally on its last leg. I wound up getting my mother a hat but didn't find a suitcase I liked until the day before we left.
My aunt held a family reunion for my mother's grandmother's people so I met a bunch of second and third cousins with various degrees of removal at her house. We didn't stay long as my mother wasn't feeling well but I did get to see some folks I liked and drink free wine which is always a win in my book.
All told I was gone for nearly a week and a half and I missed Jake terribly but it was convenient as his car had broken down and I was able to let him borrow mine while I was away. He filled up the tank and washed it for me before he brought it back. It's interesting the areas in which I simply have total confidence in him. I was completely unconcerned and happy that it worked out the way it did.
Now he may be going away on vacation the same time T is out of town which would make me sad as I'd like to spend some serious time with the man but que sera sera I suppose. It may not work out that way but if it does I will simply be reconciled to it. Maybe I'll catch up on gearing some of my characters. Unbelievably my hunter now has better gear than any of my other alts.
Perhaps I'll write more later but for now I am in training and the boss will be returning shortly. Just needed to get something down before I begin to forget details.
I'm still on a bit of an exercise moratorium but I can't handle being totally inert so I was at the fitness center there every day I stayed and I've grown fond of Elliptical machines. I'm also working a bit of running back into my diet with good results though I still can't seem to lose weight to save myself. At least I didn't really gain any while away and that was nice. I just hoped...silly me.
The resort was very nice and since it was a bit of an oasis in the desert there were lots of little animals running around. They have some interesting birds in the desert and they're quite vocal. T liked the owls best. There was also a family of quail that lived near my room. The baby quail were adorable. The rabbits running around were darned cute as well and they have some unusual flora out there that I got pictures of. I enjoyed my time there and I may have helped T be a bit more social with his colleagues at the conference. We went out late for Mexican one night and it was fun even though I was still operating on east coast time and left earlier than later.
Then we went up to the Northwest to visit the family and the weather was a total contrast. I don't really mind, I grew up there, but it changes what you do with your time. We did go hiking and the weather was nice for it. I got some decent photos of that as well. The stay at the hotel along the river was awesome as well. They had a fun wait staff there and the food was pretty good. I introduced my mother to dessert martinis with good results.
We stayed at a very nice hotel for the remainder of the week as well and though my schedule was busier than I would have liked and the internet access, while being wireless and free, was crappier than I would have liked, I had a good time on the whole. Unlike in AZ I had neither the time nor the resources to do any raiding but there were better things to do like hang out with family.
T went out shooting with my brother while I took my mother and sister in law to see How To Train Your Dragon, a movie I intend to own someday. I also shopped for luggage as mine was finally on its last leg. I wound up getting my mother a hat but didn't find a suitcase I liked until the day before we left.
My aunt held a family reunion for my mother's grandmother's people so I met a bunch of second and third cousins with various degrees of removal at her house. We didn't stay long as my mother wasn't feeling well but I did get to see some folks I liked and drink free wine which is always a win in my book.
All told I was gone for nearly a week and a half and I missed Jake terribly but it was convenient as his car had broken down and I was able to let him borrow mine while I was away. He filled up the tank and washed it for me before he brought it back. It's interesting the areas in which I simply have total confidence in him. I was completely unconcerned and happy that it worked out the way it did.
Now he may be going away on vacation the same time T is out of town which would make me sad as I'd like to spend some serious time with the man but que sera sera I suppose. It may not work out that way but if it does I will simply be reconciled to it. Maybe I'll catch up on gearing some of my characters. Unbelievably my hunter now has better gear than any of my other alts.
Perhaps I'll write more later but for now I am in training and the boss will be returning shortly. Just needed to get something down before I begin to forget details.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Omission
My birthday came and went but I failed to mark the eve of the occasion as I usually do. I was telling T about it and I commented that I thought I might have lost interest in doing so because so little seems to change from year to year and I found it somewhat discouraging. Maybe that's the case, it certainly seems like a reasonable assumption, and retrospectively the only thing that's changed at all in the past year is that I've done more writing than previously. I still haven't finished anything yet, but I keep encouraging myself.
In other news the fix the doctor did on me is turning out in a rather half ass and lumpy fashion. I would probably consider going in before my appointment with him except that I'm due to be out of town for the next week and a half. I hope nothing is too amiss and that it either goes away on its own or is readily fixable. Liposuction is just weird feeling. With luck I won't be too lumpy to do a little hanging out by the pool in my future. I could stand some relaxation.
It's going to be an interesting trip. In my discomfort and general crankiness I managed to start another longish debate with my spouse over science and religion. I managed to offend him pretty deeply and as per usual the entire argument seemed like a waste of time and emotional energy in hindsight. I actually got so irritated at one point that I left and went over to Jake's place for a bit. That was the nice reprieve of the evening and put me in a better mood. Unfortunately I simply went back home and started where I'd left off. Gah! I'll never learn. I did promise T I wouldn't ever do it again and I am pretty sure I can hold to that. I can care about him without giving a rat's ass what his religious delusions are. I need to keep my perspective and weigh the present against how much it will all matter in the end. The balance is still in his favor and strongly so.
I do feel sometimes that Jake might be easier to live with, and anymore when I get into these kinds of conflicts I think in the back of my mind that in a couple more months I will be financially autonomous, or presumably I will be, but I don't think these thoughts emphatically, and I would prefer not to uproot myself. Anyway, the lingering hostility is taking a while to dispel and I'm really hoping I haven't done any irreparable damage because T is awesome to spend time with when he's not angry with me and this could be a nice trip. I will do whatever I can to make amends.
It certainly decided me on whether to share my plan to loan Jake my car while I'm away. He's been having automotive troubles recently of the kind that require professional repair and it seemed reasonable to me to loan my vehicle to him while it was not in use by me. I trust him and he has an excellent driving record but I know it would not go over well with the spouse. It should be fine, he has spare keys for emergency reasons and can simply use those.
I have been so miserable today. It doesn't help that it's that time of the month and that I have a vicious hangover from over indulging at dinner last night. Half a bottle of wine followed by a martini is not a great plan. Perhaps my misery will elicit some sympathy and this will blow over sooner than later. I am always so startled by my emotional frailty. I know there are so many who have far greater issues to contend with but I'm so set on my life being easy and trouble free, you would think this desire would translate into more diplomacy in the things i choose to say and do, but apparently not so much. Gotta love being human.
In other news the fix the doctor did on me is turning out in a rather half ass and lumpy fashion. I would probably consider going in before my appointment with him except that I'm due to be out of town for the next week and a half. I hope nothing is too amiss and that it either goes away on its own or is readily fixable. Liposuction is just weird feeling. With luck I won't be too lumpy to do a little hanging out by the pool in my future. I could stand some relaxation.
It's going to be an interesting trip. In my discomfort and general crankiness I managed to start another longish debate with my spouse over science and religion. I managed to offend him pretty deeply and as per usual the entire argument seemed like a waste of time and emotional energy in hindsight. I actually got so irritated at one point that I left and went over to Jake's place for a bit. That was the nice reprieve of the evening and put me in a better mood. Unfortunately I simply went back home and started where I'd left off. Gah! I'll never learn. I did promise T I wouldn't ever do it again and I am pretty sure I can hold to that. I can care about him without giving a rat's ass what his religious delusions are. I need to keep my perspective and weigh the present against how much it will all matter in the end. The balance is still in his favor and strongly so.
I do feel sometimes that Jake might be easier to live with, and anymore when I get into these kinds of conflicts I think in the back of my mind that in a couple more months I will be financially autonomous, or presumably I will be, but I don't think these thoughts emphatically, and I would prefer not to uproot myself. Anyway, the lingering hostility is taking a while to dispel and I'm really hoping I haven't done any irreparable damage because T is awesome to spend time with when he's not angry with me and this could be a nice trip. I will do whatever I can to make amends.
It certainly decided me on whether to share my plan to loan Jake my car while I'm away. He's been having automotive troubles recently of the kind that require professional repair and it seemed reasonable to me to loan my vehicle to him while it was not in use by me. I trust him and he has an excellent driving record but I know it would not go over well with the spouse. It should be fine, he has spare keys for emergency reasons and can simply use those.
I have been so miserable today. It doesn't help that it's that time of the month and that I have a vicious hangover from over indulging at dinner last night. Half a bottle of wine followed by a martini is not a great plan. Perhaps my misery will elicit some sympathy and this will blow over sooner than later. I am always so startled by my emotional frailty. I know there are so many who have far greater issues to contend with but I'm so set on my life being easy and trouble free, you would think this desire would translate into more diplomacy in the things i choose to say and do, but apparently not so much. Gotta love being human.
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